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WS and your children

BetterTimesAhead posted 11/3/2019 14:51 PM

Am I the only one that cringes now when WH is alone with my son? Not that he's going to hurt him, but concerning what they talk about. My son is 14 and I cringe thinking what kind of misguided advice he is giving my son, particularly about girls. A couple times I heard their conversation and had to intervene to straighten it out. And I feel like I can't even do anything about this because I am not with them at all times. Is it just me?

J707 posted 11/3/2019 17:36 PM

Yes I do but we don't live together and are divorced. I get some doozies back after they get back from my ex's house. All I try and do is provide my knowledge, wisdom and comfort for them. Keep a stable home here with open healthy talks about life and the do's and don'ts. Damage control in a sense. My son(18) knows his moms full of shit, my daughter(12) is starting to learn that she is. You can't control what someone else says and it sucks to have to worry about it as a parent.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/3/2019 17:40 PM

I have 4 boys, ages 8, 12, 15, and 28. I don't worry about what my fch says to them about girls. I have always been very vocal about how I think people should be treated. We are open with each other. I'm the one more likely to talk to my boys about important stuff. My fch is an avoider. He only talks to them when I tell h ok m to.

BetterTimesAhead posted 11/3/2019 18:28 PM

Thank you J. I do my best to provide correct information when I know about it. What concerns me is what I don't know about. Of course, being a son, he feels more comfortable speaking with WH so it is difficult for me to know everything he has questions about.
Coco, WH does talk with him and I worry about misinformation. I just try to let my son know I'm here to talk about anything. I don't want him following in WH's footsteps.

Atg100 posted 11/4/2019 01:55 AM

I share your concerns - my ex has the kids for 50% of the time.
But as others assured me - all we can do is living by example and leading a value based life .
Which the WS just canít do.
I canít imagine it being easy for a teenage boy .
But there is so much complex stuff going on at that time.
The only personís behaviour you can influence is your own.
And you are just a well controlled , cerebral person, Iím pretty sure your son looks up to you as the steady influence in his life.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/4/2019 06:38 AM

I do my best to provide correct information when I know about it. What concerns me is what I don't know about.

I think as long as you are talking to he will get the right messages and information. You don't have to wait for h was m to come to you. You can go to him.

An example from us is when I found condoms in my 15yo's pants pocket. I told my fch because I thought he should talk to him. We've always talked about sex and safety, so it's not like it was going to be one big talk. Just sort of a check in.

I asked my fch what he said afterward. It was mostly logistics and consent. Nothing about emotions or attachment. So, I talked to my son about that part. Boys might prefer to talk to men about such things, but some things they can only learn from women, imo.

BetterTimesAhead posted 11/4/2019 09:44 AM

Thank you for those kind words atg. I feel him identifying with WH more as they are both males and it just makes me even more aware of the conversations I am not privy to.

I agree with you coco. I've already told my son that I know he might feel more comfortable talking to his father about certain things, like girls, but he should remember that I am actually a girl so I can give him better and more information about girls than his father can. That his father thinks he knows a lot about girls but he doesn't know as much as I do (obviously). I will keep in mind what you say, about following up with the moral, ethical and emotional aspects. Thanks!

crazyblindsided posted 11/4/2019 12:07 PM

Omg yes with an NPD it really makes you want to roll your eyes most days. We are separated but I will overhear conversations that make me think 'what in the everloving fuck?'

It was this way when we were M'd too. I would often disagree with his parenting styles now I know why. I have always been the more responsible parent. He is more Disneyland dad, but likes to point out every detail I do wrong

Unfortunately we can't control what they say but we can try and undo it with our own parenting.

BetterTimesAhead posted 11/4/2019 15:52 PM

LOL crazy. I guess you are right. No sense worrying and being anxious about what I cannot change. I will just have to be more vigilant to undo whatever ridiculousness he does.

PSTI posted 11/4/2019 16:06 PM

Yup. My xH doesn't really view women as people- that came out during the last stage of our relationship. Apparently *I* was different because I was his wife, but otherwise? Nah, he just saw them as interchangeable walking vaginas that he wanted to be able to fuck. Heavy into that pick up artist shit.

So yes, I worry what he's going to tell DS who is going into puberty. But I remind myself that he'd actually have to see him to teach him stuff, and I think DS will get a much better handle on relationships and intimacy and stuff like that from us. We actively model consent, building intimacy, and communication inside relationships. I think setting the positive example is much more important than worrying about what he hears elsewhere.

BetterTimesAhead posted 11/5/2019 14:11 PM

Thank you for your perspective PSTI. I know WH will always be in my son's life no matter what happens with us so I will have to deal with it. I just hope my son realizes who is the one he should model himself after.

Incarnate posted 11/5/2019 14:48 PM

I am terrified of what my STBXW is going to say to my girls. I already know that she was trying to hint to my oldest that I was abusive to my ex AND to my girls, but my oldest was like, "Yo, Dad's never been anything but cool to us. Even when he gets angry it's because we were assholes."

She is pushing the LGBTQ thing on ALL of my girls, insisting that my 16yo is ace, my 11 year old is lesbian or bi, and that my youngest is trans because she is a tomboy, and showering them with affection over those things. This related directly to her huge proclamation that she is a lesbian (after having a week of sex with a DUDE and his wife, and falling head over heels for the guy and breaking our marriage off to be with them).

So yeah. I'm petrified what is going to happen once I move out and can't nip that behavior in the bud. All I can do is present a stable, solid base for them to go to where they can be away from her chaos.

Atg100 posted 11/5/2019 15:36 PM

- thatís some mess she has created .
Everyone looking at it from the outside can clearly see thatís not normal .
As young impressionable people, your children wonít have perspective.
But then again, what she is dishing up for them will deeply confuse them.
Be sane , be stable .

BetterTimesAhead posted 11/5/2019 18:09 PM

That sounds like a very tough situation Incarnate. Your oldest already sounds like she has a firm grip on things and like you said, you can only be there to impart your morals and wisdom and hopefully it will counteract anything your WW says. Wishing you peace and strength as you navigate this.

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