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Who can I tell ?

Phcj123 posted 11/3/2019 19:19 PM

Husband cheated 2 months ago and left me. We have a 1 year old and doing joint custody. I am still super angry about this. I know I shouldn’t think these thoughts but I keep hoping that he gets what’s coming to him. That I want him to suffer like me. Hoping the new girl will either come to her senses or it just doesn’t work out. Wanted to get opinions on letting people know what he did. I have told all my close friends and some other friends here and there. Don’t think his family or friends know considering he still denies cheating to me. I am somewhat friendly with his boss at work. He is a personal trainer and cheated with his client, who he is now dating. Would it be wrong to tell his boss if I ran in to him ? Was thinking I would say “guess I learned my lesson not to date a trainer ! “.

Minnesota posted 11/3/2019 19:38 PM

Ultimately, you can spin your story however you want to whomever you want and he will spin his story however he wants to whomever he wants.

I told all sorts of people. My family. My friends. The checkout girl at Target and the ladies at the gas station where I got my Diet Coke every day.

I did not tell her family because it would do no good. I really had nothing to gain except to “win.” And while I was talking to my IC about “winning,” he asked, “what does winning look like? How will you know you’ve won?” And pissing all over her family just to hurt her was not going to do anything for me or my kid in the long run.

Do they know she cheated on me with OM1? I think so. Do they know her current husband is OM2? I do t think so. But honestly, it’s none of my business. Just like it’s none of her business if I tell my family. We aren’t going to see each other that much except at my kid’s events. And if I see them for an hour and they think I’m a manipulative control freak who uses chicken feathers for toilet paper, what do I care?

Also XW and I have a son together. We have to communicate and cooperate and compromise.

You can take the shot at the boss. Will it help you “win?” Maybe. This a long game. Look down the road and see what will get you what you need and what’s best for you (do you have kids?).

Good luck. We are with you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/4/2019 06:49 AM

You could get a billboard or a big sign in your yard. I've seen that.

I might be inclined to tell the boss because his behavior could affect business. It's probably pretty common for trainers to hook up with clients, but there might be some kind of company policy against it. Although, I guess if he's openly dating her now, maybe not.

My fch was a coach at the gym where he met the MOW. I did tell the owners. It was a small, family owned business that billed itself as family friendly. I told them I'd bring down their business if I could find a way. Turns out the MOW was the ex of the gym owner. He, his then wife, and the MOW were all playing one big happy blended family. I've always wondered if the MOW was screwing her ex, too. Wouldn't have surprised me.

Anyway, a month or so later I found out they started cleaning house. They expelled a bunch of members with questionable behavior. The business still went under. When we moved back to the area 2 years later, everyone was divorced. Ha!

FWIW, most relationships started as cheating do not last. If he cheats with her, he'll cheat on her, advice versa. They'll get theirs. Now, is time for you to live your best life as if they don't exist.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/4/2019 06:51 AM

You know what would be fun? Sharing the names and locations of these cheaters so that we random strangers could show up and shame them. Mwuahaha!👹

sisoon posted 11/4/2019 11:33 AM

I get that you're angry and want to out him. What if he wants to come back? Are you done, or would you consider R?

Aside from anger, do you feel you're suffering alone? Do you feel a desire for support from people who love you?

If you want to feel love, will you get it from the people you want to tell?

If you want support, I recommend telling. It's impossible to separate desire for support from desire for revenge, so telling to get support probably will have an edge of revenge to it, but you are entitled to get support.

Phcj123 posted 11/4/2019 12:49 PM

sisoon, I don’t think he will come back. He already casually mentioned divorce and is completely unemotional to me. Also think he is dating that girl.

You made a really good point. I do feel I have support but i also feel I am annoying tpeople at this time. It has been 2 months so I think friends are starting to think I should be over this at this point. I get where they are coming from because they have never been in this position. And also think his friends and family are supporting his decision because they only hear his side. That our relationship was so bad and sure he doesn’t mention cheating. I think this does all stem from a desire for support.

PSTI posted 11/4/2019 16:27 PM

coco, it sounds good in principle but then how do you know that people wouldn't throw people on the list just to be jerks? I could totally see people doing that, sadly :P

Honestly... sometimes I wonder if people who openly cheat would feel shame if strangers came up to them. I mean, I could give two shits about what strangers would say to me about my relationships, right? I know a lot of people would disagree with how I live my life, so my response would just be "yeah, so?"

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