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A small step

layla1234 posted 11/4/2019 21:28 PM

I had been feeling pretty hopeless lately. I found a few emails that I wrote to my WH back in 2007 when we had been dating for 3 years. He had broken up with me a few months before because he "wanted to explore what was out there". He never had any sexual partners before me and this was always something I was afraid of. So I guess you could say that was the first time I really lost trust in him. I don't think I ever got it back.

I have struggled to try to build trust up because my WH not only told lies, but told them in a way that made them perfectly believable. He never admitted to anything without me prodding. There has never been a situation where he has come to me first to tell me something or gained trust in any way. A few times while he was travelling for work, he broke boundaries that we set together. I know he has a lot of work to do to be safe. But I'm trying to sit back and watch like everyone has suggested here.

After seeing a post about hidden folders, I looked into that with his phone. I played around with it on my phone first and set up my passcode and explored it a little bit. Then when I had his phone, I was ready to see if he had used this before. I felt that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was super relieved to see the "get started" screen that told me he has never used this app. One small step.

Anger is a big problem with him. He also has FOO issues and many other things that I think contributed to this affair. I told him I would not remain in the marriage if he did not get help for these issues. He told me he had found a person and sent an email inquiry. I wasn't very hopeful because again, he likes to do just enough to get me off his back. I intentionally never mentioned anything about this appointment. He would update me, telling me he still hadn't heard from him. He said he would call him on Monday (today). I just waited. Tonight after work he told me he had called him back and scheduled an appt for next week. Another small step.
I feel like this is huge for us, but I also feel that voice telling me to cool it because it's going to take a lot more than just these 2 things. But I'm so tired of being sad and depressed that I just want to take this and be positive and optimistic.

Also, unrelated but I had my IC appt yesterday and it just so happened to fall on the date I had a miscarriage 4 years ago. She asked me how I felt about it. I told her that up until a year and a half ago that was the single most painful event in my life. Now, it seems like a drop in the bucket compared to this hurt. That was pretty profound for me. It means that time really does heal. I'm hopeful that I can one day feel about this affair how I do now about my pregnancy loss.

backtonormal posted 11/5/2019 17:03 PM

I'm sorry you're having to go through so much. It's terrible to not only not trust our husbands but then to have to try to do our own investigation to see if they're "being good" was what drove me crazy and made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Thankfully, I realized that I wouldn't have to look into his phones, emails, etc. if he had not lost my trust in the first place and if he would just tell me up front that had possibly made "another" mistake.
In the rebuilding process you have to acknowledge and celebrate those small steps. Those small steps can get lost in the big picture. More importantly, when our husbands take those small steps I think we need to make sure they realize that we notice. For instance, you could tell your husband how much you appreciate the fact that he finally made that appointment because you know that must have taken a lot of courage (or something to that effect). We don't have to "gush" over the little steps and I can really only speak for my own husband, but when I simply acknowledge those little things then he started doing more little things and eventually took responsibility to do the big, hard things.
I hope this all made sense. I'll be praying for more small steps and hope you find your joy with each small step as they come.

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