I had been feeling pretty hopeless lately. I found a few emails that I wrote to my WH back in 2007 when we had been dating for 3 years. He had broken up with me a few months before because he "wanted to explore what was out there". He never had any sexual partners before me and this was always something I was afraid of. So I guess you could say that was the first time I really lost trust in him. I don't think I ever got it back.
I have struggled to try to build trust up because my WH not only told lies, but told them in a way that made them perfectly believable. He never admitted to anything without me prodding. There has never been a situation where he has come to me first to tell me something or gained trust in any way. A few times while he was travelling for work, he broke boundaries that we set together. I know he has a lot of work to do to be safe. But I'm trying to sit back and watch like everyone has suggested here.
After seeing a post about hidden folders, I looked into that with his phone. I played around with it on my phone first and set up my passcode and explored it a little bit. Then when I had his phone, I was ready to see if he had used this before. I felt that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was super relieved to see the "get started" screen that told me he has never used this app. One small step.
Anger is a big problem with him. He also has FOO issues and many other things that I think contributed to this affair. I told him I would not remain in the marriage if he did not get help for these issues. He told me he had found a person and sent an email inquiry. I wasn't very hopeful because again, he likes to do just enough to get me off his back. I intentionally never mentioned anything about this appointment. He would update me, telling me he still hadn't heard from him. He said he would call him on Monday (today). I just waited. Tonight after work he told me he had called him back and scheduled an appt for next week. Another small step.
I feel like this is huge for us, but I also feel that voice telling me to cool it because it's going to take a lot more than just these 2 things. But I'm so tired of being sad and depressed that I just want to take this and be positive and optimistic.
Also, unrelated but I had my IC appt yesterday and it just so happened to fall on the date I had a miscarriage 4 years ago. She asked me how I felt about it. I told her that up until a year and a half ago that was the single most painful event in my life. Now, it seems like a drop in the bucket compared to this hurt. That was pretty profound for me. It means that time really does heal. I'm hopeful that I can one day feel about this affair how I do now about my pregnancy loss.
Married: 5-15-11
3 kids: ages 6, 3, and baby born in Sept.
D-day of EA with married COW:7-18-18
So much missing info from my story. I'm too exhausted to add it all. Divorce process started.