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Niece Triggered Me

NorCalLost posted 11/6/2019 17:21 PM

Had a long phone conversation with my niece last night, during which she was singing the praises of the man she began seeing immediately after dumping her boyfriend of eight years, and who has basically been living with her from the moment they met a month ago.

She claims she didn't cheat, but I know her ex caught her on dating sites, which led to their last major blow-up. She was dating other people literally from the day she was officially broken up and (like my wayward ex-husband) has not been alone at all since ending the relationship.

My niece talked last night about how, at the end of their eight years, every little thing her ex did irritated her and how that is not the case with her new bf. She then talked about how nice it is to actually be physically attracted to her partner, because (news to me) she hadn't been attracted to her ex during their last few years together. She actually joked about it with coworkers.

This hurt to hear, because not only does all of this speak to her selfishness and superficiality and inability to be alone - my appearance and his lack of attraction to me were two of the things my ex hammered on me about repeatedly at the end of OUR relationship.

I had gained 25 pounds due to medication - AND I have since lost all of that weight and more, but one of the last things my ex said to me was "Shame on me for wanting to be with someone that I can be attracted to for the rest of my life." Go figure that his OW and the one who he's dating now are by all accounts, nowhere near as cute as me! I'm not trying to sound superficial or arrogant, just affirming that he would have left no matter what I looked like, or how much I weighed for reasons that had nothing to do with my appearance.

It still hurts to this day that the person I loved my whole adult life just didn't physically want me anymore, and told people that - and that my niece is doing the same thing to HER ex.

hansvoleman posted 11/7/2019 05:39 AM

"Shame on me for wanting to be with someone that I can be attracted to for the rest of my life."

Your ex sounds like one of those embarrassing and annoying knobs who get upset that their lovely wife hasn't lost the baby weight 2 minutes after having his child. And your niece sounds like one of those young women who buy into the idea that they are failing if they don't comply with that bit of insanity. Years ago I would have blamed the Kardashians, all fashion advertising, the fall of the Ottoman Empire, Brexit, the phases of the moon or anything else to explain why someone would be like this. As I approach retirement age, I've just accepted that there are shallow people, evil people and stupid people in the world and I am happier when not around them. As your niece is family though maybe it would help you if you explained to her how you feel? Is she young enough not to have had to question her own actions?

His comments and his actions towards you are undoubtedly hurtful and cruel but your assessment that he would have left anyway is correct. I think the sense of grievance is stornger because you probably overlooked so many flaws in his personality and deeds in the relationship to make it work. However his assessment of the failure of the relationship is reduced to things you can't really change or control like how you look, or how attracted he feels. You are left wondering why bothered with you in the first place.

Just remember that he says he "can" be attracted to his now wife but she may rue the day when he decides that he "cannot" as he just has with you. Maybe I am odd but I am attracted to my lover (wife, girlfriend or SO) because I have an emotional connection that surpasses how she looks at any point in time. My current wife (who I plan on keeping - in case you are reading, dear) was a 330 pound blonde when I met her. She's now 140 lb, grey and 15 years older but i still fancy her something rotten.

[This message edited by hansvoleman at 5:40 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/7/2019 06:34 AM

I know it hurts. It was a hurtful thing to say. You know it wasn't really about you and your attractiveness, though. It was all about him and his shallowness. Shallow, immature people don't understand the ebb and flow of a LTR.

Does your niece know what you've been through? Can you tell her what you think of her behavior? Maybe someone needs to set her straight.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/7/2019 07:56 AM

Wow what horrible things to say :(. To joke about it with coworkers? Shesh! It hurts when a family member acts like this (your niece, my uncle).

Oh yeah, sure, her new BF has no annoying qualities and she'll wuv him forever after knowing him a month .

While there's a strong possibility she was cheating, at least she didn't try and force him into an open relationship which seems to be all the rage these days. My ex-WW has a friend who was flirting with a guy for a year then demanded an open relationship with her current BF (together about the same amount of time as your niece), and then dumped him two weeks later. That guy she blew up a LTR over is like 5 ex's ago at this point (in 3 years).

My ex-WW also cannot be single and alone; I'm still relatively young and I see so many young people in my social groups that act the same. It's like dropping your old boring "toy" and going out and getting a new one, and it never ever brings lasting happiness to the person.

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