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When a Family Member Cheats

NorCalLost posted 11/6/2019 18:01 PM

As someone whose cheating former spouse alienated his daughter and family from me, I have thought a lot about how it must feel to be related to a cheater, the awkwardness when you know deep down that they did something wrong, but you still feel pressure to 'have their back' because they're family.

I guess this mostly applies to cheaters who don't stay with the BS, as in my case. But I think that even in cases where the couple stays together, the cheaters' families sometimes minimize or avoid talking about the cheating altogether. I remember when my first husband first cheated, I told my mother-in-law, and she said, "I'm not happy with him at all for doing that," but that was all that was ever said. By anybody.

It's easy to say "I wouldn't stand for it," "I would stick up for the BS even if my relative were the cheater," et cetera. But over and over, I see where families close ranks around their cheaters at the expense of the BS.

Has your family ever had a cheater within it, other than your own WS? How did the family handle it? Did the cheater stay with their BS?

layla1234 posted 11/6/2019 18:59 PM

My dad cheated on my mom when she was pregnant with my brother. I knew what was going on because my mom would tell me my dad was with his girlfriend. I lost a lot of respect for him. He had an EA with the same woman again in 2011. He and my mom are still together, although not very happy. I have always had my mom's back without a doubt and have encouraged her to divorce if it would make her happy.

Evermore posted 11/6/2019 19:34 PM

My parents marriage ended due to cheating in my late teens. I never asked the reason why their marriage ended, but my parent that was the BS insisted on telling me.

I was mad they told me for years and sided with the WS.

Still 20 years later I resent them a bit for dumping their crap on me like that.

Having been through the experience I am more empathetic, still there is a distance between us from how it went down

hopefullife posted 11/7/2019 07:52 AM

over and over, I see where families close ranks around their cheaters at the expense of the BS.

Blood is thicker than water. I now understand the extent of that. I have a trust/distrust relationship with my WH's family. They knew about my WH's lies and deceit and they never had the decency to not tolerate my WH. They even met with the OW. They are genuinely nice people to the point I feel it crosses the boundaries of morality already. I've always told my WH that when it comes to his love child, I will never matter to his family. They won't care if they step on me as long as their grandchild is okay. They said it's only the child they are looking out for, but they treated this OW as if she'd done nothing wrong. I partly blame them for their son turning up this way. He just knew they have his back no matter what. Right now I think they are estranged, but of course it won't last.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/7/2019 08:16 AM

My mom cheated on my dad and got pregnant by the OM. My dad wanted to work things out. They eventually divorced because my mom was a selfish, narcissistic bitch.

The only person who ever talked about it to me was my stepmom. She was trying to warn me that I was going to end up a horrible person just like my mother. Part of that was to tell me exactly how and why my mom was such a horrible person. Not exactly the best thing to do to a 14 year old girl.

No one else talked about it, although they all new. Kind of impossible not to when my younger sister was born. 🤷‍♀️

My families are not close. My dad doesn't have any siblings. His mom lived half a country away and was uninvolved. I was only 4 when they divorced, so I don't know the reaction of my mom's family at the time. I can't imagine there was much. No one has ever been much involved in the others' lives.

sewardak posted 11/7/2019 08:47 AM

My dad cheated on my Mom when I was 10, left her for OW, and proceeded to start a new family with OW and OW would NOT allow us in the family.
I see my dad about once a year. My mom feels I'm dishonoring her by doing this. Their bullshit has created drama in my life. It's so. very. unfair. Grow up ppl.

RedHeadTemper posted 11/7/2019 09:09 AM

My sister cheated. She left for the AP who was an addict. Her BS was a clean quarky kid.we liked the BS. Told him he's awesome and that my sister is nuts.

My sister I have to live with though. She's blood. So you have to love the sinner, hate the sin.

Sucks either way. I can say that when she left her H and her A came to light my heart broke and hurt. If your a WS, just know that not only have you broken your BS's heart, but you broke your siblings, parents, and children's hearts. Infidelity is so messed up.....

ScarredSurviver posted 11/7/2019 09:34 AM

My wife's cousin left her BH for the AP who is nearly 20 years older than her and had 2 adult children not much older than her. They've married and she's now pregnant with their second child. Being an in-law of extended family is a little awkward at holidays since we host most family functions. I never talk to them even though they are in my house. The rest of the family does the small talk, but it's soooo weird. Her BS is a great guy and I still see him around and chat with him when we see each other. Just seeing her with the AP is a huge trigger for me and I can't stand it. The BH had supported her while she went to school to be an athletic trainer. She currently works with the sports teams at my kid's school so if one of my kids takes a shot to the head she's the one that will evaluate them for concussions. It sucks knowing that she may be the first responder to my kid's injuries especially knowing that she hasn't made good decisions in her past.

sunwillshine posted 11/7/2019 11:05 AM

Infeidelty runs deep. Both my family and my fwh family had infedelity. It sort of makes sense that we ended up together. My mom cheated all her life and probably still does. She is in her late 80s. Growing up, being expected to keep her secrets certainly made blood thicker than water. I loved my stepfather deeply, but at 12 was too afraid to tell my mother's secrets. He found out anyway and took it out on me, because I didn't tell. Very sick people.
With my fwh family, I had always known my sil m ended in infedelity. I just found out that the xh's wife is the wifetress. I intuitively knew I did not like her, but thought she had come along after the divorce. Nope, she was the ow. this was of course years before I met my husband. And my sil has had to deal with this for years. When my fwh was a teenager he was influenced by this xbil and his sick brother. Their attitudes toward cheating certainly added to his old attitude.
I guess my point is that, cheating is rampant in our families.
I am so grateful that my fwh and I are in recovery and can perhaps set a better example for future generations. My nephews (on my husband's side) recently commented on how much he has changed for the better and I couldn't agree more.

NorthernMSB posted 11/7/2019 12:19 PM

My dad cheated on my mother, ONS situations and my mother and him argued a few years about his secretary. Background noise in my childhood.

My mother was engaged to another man in her home country when she met my dad on a work contract. They married after 6 weeks and over the years she still saw the dumped fiancée when she travelled back to her country. They also wrote until he died. She also had an affair with my dad’s subordinate when my parents lived overseas for 10 years in an expat community. My sister has cheated on everyone she has ever been with including her current wife. The current wife is the OW from her last relationship.

My WH father left for over a year when WH was 16 for another woman. Just left and then came back and it was never spoken of again. This was 39 years ago and my MIL never slept in the same room with him again.

So...Lots of cheating going on.

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