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AP was another couple

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Megall79 posted 11/25/2019 15:13 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies. You all have given me lots of things to think about, and new questions to ask that I didnít think of before. I did ask him if anything had happened before, and of course his answer was no. I did have a brief time after Dday where I did speak with OW to ask her questions and to get her side of the story. She said that she had to tell her H about her feelings 2 years ago because it was eating her alive, and that is when they began discussing their wants/needs and whether or not it would be ok ďif something happenedĒ. I understand some people are ok with, or learn to be ok with, the whole idea of an open marriage and being poly. I always say to each their own, as long as no one is getting hurt. But in this situation I was very, very hurt. This was not an open relationship in my book... and it still isnít. Itís not even something I am willing to even consider wrapping my head around (for our marriage)

We are both 40 years old, so there will be no more children entering in our lives. The daughter we have (mine, from a previous relationship) just turned 17. I am ok with not having any more children as I am enjoying the freedom that having older children bring.

I havenít exposed him to family. Only 2 close friends of mine IRL know, and one online friend. That is my only support network outside of finding SI. There is a part of me that wants to tell, and there is a part of me that doesnít. I think if I did that it would alter everyoneís relationship with him, and with me as well since I chose to stay. I donít want people to hate him, but moreso I donít want anyone to look on me with pity. I am still deciding whether or not I will tell my mother. My mother has been through the same thing, the only difference being that she and my father didnít R, and he married his AP. My mother would probably kill my WH, carve hm up, and serve him to me on a platter with a smile on her face. But she also knows how to survive and get through this. Just in a different direction.

I know that a few other people in the annual camping group we (used) to camp with know. I am a little bit astounded that not a single one of them has reached out to me to see how I am faring. Then again, I know that OW told them what happened, so who knows what kind of spin she put on everything. I may be, and probably am, the bad guy in her story. Ruining her little love triangle, or some such bull. There are a few other women (wives) in the camping group that I know donít know, and I am wondering if I should reach out to them. Not saying that their husbands will do anything like this, but rather to let them know what kind of person they have within their circle, and to be wary.

I will be reading up on post nuptial agreements. Itís something that I didnít know was a thing, so thank you for steering me in that direction.

In the meantime, it continues to be a daily battle. For both of us. He is in complete shock over what he has done, and continues to do whatever he can to make me feel safe and secure. Even when he is going through bouts of self loathing, he still makes sure I am taken care of first.

Today, I am in a somewhat ok headspace. Iíve been doing a lot of reading, and am trying little things to better take care of myself. I know some people think I may have blinders on, but trust me, I donít. I am very aware that (despite what he says) there are no guarantees that he wonít do this again. I have also made it very crystal clear to him what will happen if he does. Until then, I am resting in the arms of SI for support, and talking to my friends a lot. I refuse to turn into a bitter shell of myself. *I* deserve better than that, and I am going to see to it that I will eventually be happy, one way or another, and come what may.

Dontworrybehappy posted 11/25/2019 18:52 PM

I am so sorry. I feel that these types of infidelity are the easiest to get into. Just because the closeness and the friendship already developed. But you sound like a strong women. I to felt with a DB they are hard to move on from. My husband and her kissed a couple times. I was devastated and it took me a decade to work through! But I am here and I am also facing my mistakes and my infidelities I did. I do wish more situations like the DB posted more itís nice for relation and support. But I wish you the best. Stay strong and keep your mind healthy. All of us need to cause when you get consumed in it you lose it! Trust me just ready posts I was crazy and obsessive. I wouldnít even wish this on the friend who did it to me.

Beachwalker posted 11/25/2019 23:30 PM

Megall: I am sorry you have been put into this situation, but I am glad you found us here.

My WW was also involved in a threesome. The story I am told is her female coworker persisted in getting my WW involved with her and her H. My WW said she gave in and did it 1 time to get her to stop asking her over. I donít believe all that story, however, because my WW made up a game to play the next time she went over, then shared that game with at least 2 of her other boyfriends. For the life of me, I canít understand why someone would make up a game about an activity they were supposedly embarrassed by, then share that game with others.

I understand how the explanation from the WS, regardless of what that might be, wonít make any sense to you and me. Of course the right thing to do would have been for him to talk to you first. If you werenít open to the idea of an open M, then he needs to choose. If you are, then off you goÖ. But I think our WSes didnít come to us first because they were sure in their minds we would say ďnoĒ and they wouldnít get to do what they wanted. I.e. Ė selfishness. Perhaps a WS will chime in and share what went on in their minds and give us their perspective.

Öwho was ADAMANT that he despised cheaters,Ö

Yeah, my wife asked me a question the other day, and I guess I took too long to answer because she followed it up with, ďAnd donít lie to me!Ē A moment passed, then she said, ďI know what youíre thinking: I lied to you for 28 years so why canít I lie to you?Ē Thatís how long my WW had been carrying on her secret life, and that WAS what I was thinking. She also didnít like me flirting with other women (which I didnít do Ė ever), but she could have sex with whatever guy she wanted. And Iím not supposed to look at porn, but she can take nude pics and send them off to other men. Can you say, ďHuge double standard,Ē boys and girls? Unfortunately, this seems to be typical thinking of a WS. You and I had better keep our marriage vows and toe the line, but they can do whatever they want.

I guess this just goes to show what kind of thinking is going on in their heads sometimes. I know this doesnít apply to all WS, but it sure seems to apply to yours and mine! You know, to this day Iím not sure what to do with this information. Iím sorry I donít have any really good advice for you, but I just wanted to say that youíre not alone. You are not the only one going through this. But, keep listening to the good folks here at SI and they will surely help you. (And me!)

Striver posted 11/25/2019 23:49 PM

I know that a few other people in the annual camping group we (used) to camp with know. I am a little bit astounded that not a single one of them has reached out to me to see how I am faring. Then again, I know that OW told them what happened, so who knows what kind of spin she put on everything. I may be, and probably am, the bad guy in her story. Ruining her little love triangle, or some such bull. There are a few other women (wives) in the camping group that I know donít know, and I am wondering if I should reach out to them. Not saying that their husbands will do anything like this, but rather to let them know what kind of person they have within their circle, and to be wary.

Your WH is in the same boat. Why would he be any better?

Your WH is "in shock" at what he did. I'm sure it was a big surprise to him.

But, like I said, he is playing with house money at this point.

You have potentially 30+ years with this sort of foundation. What are the consequences for WH? "Don't do it again" seems to be about it.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/26/2019 05:39 AM

I am the example of what happens when you sweep it under the rug to focus on life. They will keep lying, keep cheating.

Donít be like me.

Now Iím disabled and stuck

Megall79 posted 11/26/2019 07:18 AM

To those who are pushing or judging me for not giving consequences, what suggestions do you have other than leaving? I have chosen to stay and try to work it out. Trust me, he is not getting away scot free and we talk about it every single day, often with tearful results. There is no rug sweeping or pretending that it didnít happen. Rather we are two broken people trying to work through this and come out the other side together. As for the group we camp with, yes my husband is in the same boat, but we will not be attending these annual trips anymore and if I do talk to the other wives they will know why.

To those who can relate, Iím so sorry that you went through similar situations. It makes it a little more difficult. Not just the A, but the fact that the AP was once someone you invited into your home, who accepted your food and ate off your plates and smiled in your face while stabbing the knife in your back.

I do have full access to his computer and social media, emails, etc and he has blocked her phone number. While I can see and confirm with my own eyes that no further contact has been made by either of them it doesnít stop the worry. I have an event this Saturday evening that I am going to with my mother and my daughter. He will be home. It makes me nervous. I know he wonít get a chance to go see her even if he wanted to (she lives 2 hours away) I am still nervous. He says that he doesnít even want to see her again, ever, so why am I still feeling insecure about going out and doing something nice with my family? Sometimes I really hate being stuck in my own brain.

fareast posted 11/26/2019 08:01 AM


Take care of yourself and take your time. Exercise, eat healthy, and do nice things for you. Your emotions will be all over the map for a while. This is not a race. Give yourself time to process the trauma and observe your WHís actions, not his words. Time is your ally.

Even though you are recently wed this is a long standing relationship. I understand your reluctance not to just dump him and run. But be vigilant. He should be totally transparent. If he hasnít read it, he should read McDonaldís excellent book: ďHow To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.Ē Investigate whether a post-nip agreement is enforceable in your state. Being nervous about being away and leaving him alone is totally normal. He destroyed your trust. What is he willing to do to alleviate your fears while you are separated. Texts, calls, FaceTime, etc. You will receive a lot of diverse opinions and advice here all intended to help you survive infidelity. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Good luck.

KingofNothing posted 12/11/2019 14:06 PM

Perhaps you should get a VAR and put it in his car. You might find it revelatory.

tushnurse posted 12/11/2019 15:02 PM

Welcome to the club none of us ever wanted to join.

You have rec'd some good advice so far.
You ask about consequences for him, while you try to move forward.

Have you considered asking him to complete a Poly?
Have you made him get full STD testing?
Is he in IC? What are his reasons for doing this? For cheating and swinging, just prior to his wedding? He needs to do some real work here and dig deep to figure out his why's, and if you haven't asked about a polygraph, I would encourage you to do so, and then tell him you are planning on it.

If he pushes back you have more to learn about him.
The STD testing isn't really a consequence, but a necessary part of this, and I don't care if they use protection, or whatever other excuse he has.... I just reviewed a case one of my team worked with today, and it was a woman who developed anal cancer, secondary to HPV. He needs tested, you need tested.

I would share with the other women in that group what he did, and who he did it with, more as an opportunity to warn them about her, and to take back some control and power.

A's are very traumatic, they are a double whammy of betrayal, and it takes years to recover even when your WS is committed and doing the hard work. Know that your pain won't just magically go away, and he needs to be patient, and willing to do whatever you ask of him. If he ins't then you need to very very very careful.

demos posted 12/12/2019 07:20 AM

This happened in our close circle of friends. We have/had a group of long time friends. Mostly couples but some singles. 20+ year friendships. Hung out all the time. Usually together. Sometimes guy events (sports events, bar, etc) also girls events (whatever girls tend to do ha). One of the husbands used to hangout with another one of the husbands and his wife at their place. Not unusual in our friend group. This was a regular thing for years and years. They were all friends but the wife of the first husband would typically stay home with the kids when her husband would go to the other couples place to watch a game on tv or just have a couple drinks. The details aren't important but that wife that stayed home found out that her husband and the other couple had been having threesomes for 12 years! And not once or twice a year. Pretty much anytime the three of them were together. In this situation the other wife didn't have a romantic thing for her husband. It was just a NSA sex thing.

The couple stayed together. The couple he was hooking up with really felt they hadn't done anything wrong. Their story was that they had a lifestyle that was discussed and the other husband wanted to participate. The couple was concerned about the other wife but the three of them agreed that it would be just between them and no harm no foul.

Half of the circle of friends kind of agreed with that on some basic level. The other half didn't and felt the swinger couple should never have involved the other husband even if he wanted to. It fractured the friend group and to this date we don't hang out in a large group like we used to.

I realize this isn't your situation because you said the other wife had feelings for your husband. I'm sure that makes things even worse. I know the betrayed wife in our situation has never recovered from the duration and frequency that her husband participated. It's a terrible situation.

Megall79 posted 12/13/2019 06:45 AM

Thank you, Kingofnothing, I ordered one tonight and it will be here next week.

They used to call each other on his drives home from work every day. And he would "get lost" and take the long route home so that he could continue talking with her while I was at work. Today, he thinks I am working a full day, but I am not. I will be home an hour before he is. It will be interesting to see if he "gets lost" today too, thinking I am not home waiting for him. I know exactly how kong his drive home is. He insists that he is not, and I've seen phone bill records... but there is still a part of me that is curious.

Megall79 posted 12/17/2019 07:25 AM

I donít know if anyone is still following my story or not, but I needed to add to it - even just for myself.

He did come home on Friday when he was supposed to, and he was happy and surprised to see me home. It kicked off a good weekend where we went away together. There was a slight sour note on the drive home. We had to drive past the city where she lives (2 hours away from our home) and while driving around the city I got quiet and sad, and panicky. It sounds so silly because itís just a stupid city... we werenít stopping anywhere so there was zero chance of running into her or her husband. I was able to calm myself down though by reminding myself that nothing had changed since the morning, when I was still so happy. He drove, and held my hand the whole way home. That is going to be my go to when I feel things creeping back in on me... asking myself ďWhat has changed since I was last happy?Ē I found that it was able to help me come back into focus much faster than before. What happened is never going to not suck, but I need to start recognizing the now, and what he is doing now for me, and for us.

squid posted 12/17/2019 08:10 AM

We had to drive past the city where she lives (2 hours away from our home) and while driving around the city I got quiet and sad, and panicky. It sounds so silly because itís just a stupid city...

I hate to tell you this but everything is going to trigger you for a while. Your world has been turned upside down. The one person you trusted with your life just stabbed you in the back. And now you're married to him. I'm not saying that to pour salt into your wound. But it gives an appropriate spin on your situation. Now you're constantly in fight or flight mode because you are on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As others have said, you really only know the tip of the iceberg. And every bit of new information learned from this day on will be like another Dday. Demand a timeline and a polygraph test. This may allay your anxiety a bit. But be prepared for more to come out. ALL CHEATERS LIE AND MINIMIZE.

Your emotions are going to be all over the place for a while. Focus on the basics: eat, sleep, hydrate, exercise if you can.

As for telling others, do it. These are real life consequences for his actions. And if anyone looks at you differently for staying, maybe cut them out of your life. Now is the time to form a posse of true friends and support systems.

I wish you luck. HUGS.

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