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Nolife posted 11/24/2019 09:36 AM

my husband is a three-time cheater first 40 years ago caught with sister in-law in my home. Resulted two years later in separation apart 3 months reconciled with his lies unknown to me.

Second 38 years ago with a woman i considered a friend.

third 32 years ago.vwith a 21 year old. He lied about the second one with the friend for 38 years. He lied about the second one while I was going through the third one. May 2019 was D day And I’ve been trigger truth to death. Four decades of my life was taken on a 38 year affair because we were separated and we got back together and he started our life on all Lies. He was asked for the truth and lied all this time. I’m everything described and then some in my these forum pain.

My question is for both Ws and Bs.
While we were separated I stopped by to get child support he and one of his friends he grew with was there with him hanging out and I causally asked what they were doing. The friend popped off being very ugly in his tone and basically being a smart ass and said. Well we’re going out to night to try and find us some women to have some fun with. God that hit me like a dagger. Looking at my husband I expected him to stop him or something and I just said the first thing that popped out without thinking and it was stupid but it was in defense, hurt and shock. I said well I’m not doing without as I glared with pain at my husband for not stopping him.he continued to tell me how I wasn’t he friend and my husband was his life long friend and he was looking out for him. I left cried all the way home thinking how could my husband let him talk that way? He was the cheater and hat why I left. I thought he respected me.
Then a short time later my husband saw me dressed up under going out somewhere were and had the audacity to say (who’s the lucky guy) and again he just was trying to hurt me and I popped off And said who says it one!

Why couldn’t he just ask me what I was doing instead of trying to hurt me and playing games.
He says that his feelings about that led him to being able to screw my friend and lie to me for 38 years taking 4 decades of my life when agreed to get back together. Really! Please help me understand from a Ws spouse how I’m to blame. Please!

My therapist says he’s looking for ways to blame me or attach me to him for him doing what he did .
She says what is in his head is what he concocted to make what he did ok lF he had thought for one instant there was truth to it he would have asked out right rather then playing games with my heart and his. She says he should have thought how could I have allowed my friend to hurt my wife. While I sat there.

He says he didn’t tell me because he was ashamed and didn’t want me to know for 38 years. Why can’t I except that?
How can someone hide that and not be dying inside everyday in pain If you love your spouse .
Therapist says he’s not excepting responsibility and we can’t move forward. I just need answer from both please I’m dying inside.

[This message edited by Nolife at 10:07 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/24/2019 09:53 AM

Sounds like your therapist knows what s/he is talking about. Listen.

Don't trust your CH's words. You know they mean nothing. He has lied to you for at least 38 years. I sure hope that "friend" is no longer around. He is not a friend of the M, which makes him not a true friend to your CH.

You will never be able to make sense of what your CH did or why because you are not 6cheater. I remember desperately wanting to figure out how my fch could do such a thing. 5 years later, I still don't know. If I think about it too much, it hurts my head. There is no sense to it.

What you need to figure is if you want R or D. Then, decide what to do about whatever you want. Stop focusing on him. Focus on yourself. What do you want? What do you need to do to get what you want?