Return to Forum List

Return to General

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Struggling

tigereyes posted 11/28/2019 15:54 PM

I never thought I would find myself here again. I was married for 22 years to a man who would NOT stay faithful ending up in an affair with my best friend. We had a really ugly divorce. I lost everything and now I have rebuilt a pretty nice life for myself and my kids, or so I thought.

I got remarried to what I believed was a completely different kind of man. We have been married almost 5 months now. 2 months ago I came home from work early one day to find him masturbating to porn. While I might not have taken it as badly before, he had been claiming for days to be unable to have sex with me for days saying that he had a panic attack during sex and didn't feel well enough. So I gave him his space only to find out he was preferring to satisfy himself with porn. I told him how it made me feel and that this felt like a betrayal to me. He agreed and promised it would never happen again.

Now folks, I have been here before. So I put a recorder on his phone. Not proud of it, but I HAD to know. And sure enough, the very first time he was at home alone he immediately went to porn again. And it turned out that he was regularly visiting sites with half naked women on them. And by regularly I mean multiple times per day. I confronted him and he claimed he was just curious. Again the promises that it wouldn't happen again and the full acknowledgement that what he was doing was disrespectful to me. He claimed he had been masturbating to porn about every 10 days or so the entire time we have been together but that he would stop.

I lied to him. I made him believe that I could only see what he was doing on his phone when he was on our wi-fi. Not proud of that either but I felt I was being deceived. And I was. Every day when he would go to work he was going to look at half naked women. And then the big one. I had to go out of town on a business trip and he came with me. I had to attend training every day so he was left alone in the hotel room. Can you guess what he did within 10 minutes of me leaving the hotel? And boy did he enjoy his day. He looked at every half naked college aged girl he could find before he moved on to his favorite porn site. He did it in the morning, went out to buy me a tshirt, and then came back and did it again that afternoon. What is worse is I had sent him a racy photo of myself (doing the pick me dance) and he never even opened it when he wanted to pleasure himself. It was all college girls. When I came back he tried to act like nothing happened. And I lost it. I couldn't keep this up. I wish I had just let him continue to do it every single day of the trip just the way he planned but now the jig was up. I did remove the recorder from his phone because quite honestly, I got the information I needed. And mainly that is that he will do whatever he wants regardless of how it makes me feel and then lie to my face about it.

I've been here before and we have only been married not quite 5 months. What should be a honeymoon period has turned into a sham. He is begging me to stay and now claims it's an addiction he can't control but he is going to go for help now. I feel like I gave him multiple chances to stop, I even begged him crying to please give me time to heal, and he wouldn't do it then so why now? How many chances does someone deserve before you say enough? He his his porn habit from me for over 2 years. He lied about it when caught and has continued to lie to me just trying to be more sneaky.

Advice? I love him and I hate to upend the relationship my kids have been building with him but I don't have another 22 years to waste on a liar with no integrity.

rebplay posted 11/28/2019 19:10 PM

Oh gosh Iím so truly sorry. After divorcing with infidelity involved and now lies in a brand new marriage. This is bad. Iím so sorry. Not sure what advice to offer at this moment. Wanted you to know someone was listening and emphasizing with you.

fareast posted 11/28/2019 19:34 PM

tigereyes:

I am so sorry this has happened to you, especially after your first WH and ugly D. You deserve so much better. Itís the lying and deceit and disrespect. If you want to give him a chance, and by all means if you just want to end it I would say go for it, he needs intensive IC and therapy. Not for the porn addiction per se, but for lying and deceit. Even then there are no guarantees. As you have so painfully learned, without trust in a relationship, there is misery. The relationship dies of doubt and mistrust. Be very careful and thoughtful of your next steps.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

cancuncrushed posted 11/28/2019 20:31 PM

Iím so sorry this happened. How long did you date? Has he lied compulsively about other things? Does he hide other things? Did his past relationships have infidelity. ?

This is your baggage. Youíve been cheated on and lied to many times. Itís hard if not impossible to do anything like it again. Heís lying and hiding sex. It doesnít matter what kind of sex. Itís about the deceit.

What are you willing to do? Risk a few years? Risk more of the same? Or R? How do you feel.

Itís hard not to categorize. If it looks like a duck. 5 months is pretty quick to have these serious issues. 10 min after you leave is pretty quick to do it again. I donít see any effort or Remorse.

We all know that remorse has to be real. To do the work needed.

Do not beat yourself up. People hide. Itís so hard to know. We survive these things believing a new life is out there for us. The silver lining ..... sooner is easier to cut ties. Financially.

For me personally. I would struggle with the Ow preference. Your in the honeymoon stage. He would already rather look college girls sexually. Thatís going to smack the entire marriage. Trigger when young girls are around. It feels like rejection. The self esteem is taking a punch

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:41 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]

sunwillshine posted 11/28/2019 20:51 PM

Sex addiction is not easy to recover and stay recovered from, unless he is completely willing and committed.
Meantime, there is help for you. Check out sanon, check out the forum for partners of sex addicts on this site. Contact a CSAT to find out about partner group therapy.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is devastating. Take care of yourself.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/29/2019 10:29 AM

How many chances does someone deserve before you say enough?


The question should be, how much shit will you put up with before enough is enough for you? It's not about you giving him chances that he deserves. The answer to that question is that he doesn't deserve even one chance. You can certainly choose to give him chances. No shame in that.

You need to decide where your line in the sand is. How much will you accept?

CowardlyLion posted 11/29/2019 10:48 AM

Deleted

[This message edited by CowardlyLion at 6:54 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]

tigereyes posted 11/29/2019 15:38 PM

We dated for almost 2 years before we got engaged. We lived together for 9 months before we got married. He hid it from me the whole time. I had some suspicions, he always took his phone to the bathroom even to shower. I ignored my gut and that is my fault.

It gets worse though. I have a 17 year old daughter. And his obsession with college age girls bothers me because of that. I also have a 26 year old daughter that I dont need him lusting after. She lives in another state but still.

I dont want to believe the worst of him but I can't afford to ignore what is right in front of me, He has made some significant changes in the past week since this all blew up but I dont know if he's love bombing me or if it's real. I dont know what to think anymore.

CowardlyLion posted 12/1/2019 20:59 PM

Deleted

[This message edited by CowardlyLion at 6:54 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy