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"Memorializing" the stoopid things WH said

Hope2B posted 11/30/2019 03:16 AM

I'm in my late 60s, six years out, not really what I could call healed, living under the same roof as roommates, working on "meh" and doing IC/MC/support groups.

I want to memorialize all the stoopid things Happy Hank said after the 2 DDays--he spent many years with a hooker, who looked like WH's ideal woman...bleached blonde hair, large fake breasts, long legs, tiny waist. If nothing else, maybe it will provide some humor in the *stoopid things they say* category.

Grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine... this is gonna be long...and thanks in advance if you read it and get all the way through! I'm going to use text breaks so it doesn't look like an overwhelming Wall of Text.

Re-writing history & minimizing/rug sweeping and excuses:
It was for companionship
He had a “relationship” with her
He was special to her, he thought he was the only man she was seeing
He didn’t think it would bother me much
He was thinking of ending it
It was only Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am

It was a business arrangement
It was just sex
It was just sex for money
Didn’t kiss her (she said it made her uncomfortable), there was no foreplay
If we had a renewal of vows for our 25th, the A wouldn’t have happened
The affair was just 252 hours – and he was quite pleased he thought of this! The fool!

At first, admitted 2 – 3 x/mo, then he rewrote history to 1 – 2 x/mo
Sex with her was just like when you go to a movie —you pay, see the movie, then done and go home.

Instead of thinking of how long the A went on, I should think of it as just 252 or so hours that he was with her, and the rest of the time, he was with me. (Oh goodie! )

He was bored, life wasn’t ‘fun’ anymore like when he was younger
The A was my fault because I yelled at him, he says, for something
He didn’t feel he could buy me expensive gifts so he was really pissed at me.

I was too demanding (that he pay attention, be thoughtful, pick up after himself, flush the toilet, & not live like a pig)

I was an Alpha Female & he didn’t like it (but he liked the money I brought in!)

I yelled at him for something (leaving chocolate out where one of the dogs got it, ate it, and had to be rushed to the doggie ER!)

He was mad at me for something.
He didn’t learn enough about his religion (but yeah, he knew right from wrong)

He was pissed at me because I banned a friend from our property because the friend stole from me and lied to me and lied about it even when I caught him in the lie and had proof!

Keep “Happy Hank” Happy was his total focus

I always made the call about spending money—he always wanted to spend $ on ‘fun’ but never went out to get another job to increase our income so my focus was on bills coming due (and BTW, I worked two and sometimes three jobs during most of our M to make ends meet).

He was the King and could do no wrong, and anything he wanted, he made sure he got, it was all about him and no one else mattered (yeah, he said this).

I was just sharing airspace to serve him, meet his needs, he took me for granted and didn't acknowledge me, treated me like sh*t, etc. (I thought he had a stroke or brain tumor based on how he was treating me & insisted on medical tests)

Nothing was exciting in his life, he was bored and wanted to do something dangerous
He was relieved he was caught because he didn’t think he could have stopped it himself (In case you haven't figured it out, dear reader, he's a liar)

It was my fault because we weren’t having sex (he had ED and PE and attempts at a variety of physical intimacy things were unsuccessful)
He was sex starved--but couldn't 'perform' with me

He admitted I became someone who could help take care of the house, pay the bills, cook and put food on the table, and he thought of me as a part time employee who happened to live in the same house.

He went for “attractive” and physical beauty instead of “inner” beauty...and actually said that I was *unpretty*

Of note: It was easier f*cking younger and thinner and prettier Beach Barbie (for money) than it was talking with his wife about revisiting sex issues because then he’d have to have sex with me and miss out on f*cking the pretty young blonde, and besides, the blonde was so very pretty and “pretty” was important.

He was bored and he was lonely.
He never had ED with the slunt...but of course, he had PE because she was just so exciting and her body and her lap dances and her performances were all for him! She made pretty good money for 5 or 6 thrusts worth of "work."

*********

He still seems to have little remorse or understanding of the depth of pain and betrayal he’s caused. He hasn't a clue how to feel remorse because it's always been a Happy Hank-centric world. No amount of IC and MC changed this.

He called the A one mistake...(that went on for years). Yeah, I called bulls*t on this & said it was a mistake he made over and over again, and he deliberately chose to do it, every time he made plans to lie, every time he went to the ATM to get money, every time he made sure he had enough gas in the truck, every time he tried to get hold of her to make a “date” and he thought about her in between time, too, every time he made sure he called in an Rx for his "boner" pills (odd that those pills just didn't work with me) .

A few months after DDay #2, I found out he had sex in the passenger seat of the truck. I sold the truck immediately. He thought nothing of my sitting in the same place where the slunt sat.

Well, that was quite a vent, and typing it all out had me reliving it again, but admittedly, in a more detached way. Divorce has been out of the question for a couple of reasons, so I try to do the best I can with life as I'm living it now. Thanks again for reading this, whether you read it all the way through, or just parts of it.

Edited to correct grammar or spelling

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:33 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/30/2019 07:20 AM

He was special to her, he thought he was the only man she was seeing


He was the only man the prostitute was seeing? He must've been paying her very well. Whose money did he use? Sounds he used at least some of yours unless you kept your money separate. He has told you how many hours it was. You should write a bill for reimbursement for the money he spent on those 252 hours, plus interest, of course.

All those statements are so fucking stupid! It's mindboggling.

Why are you still with this cheater?

mchercheur posted 11/30/2019 09:24 AM

OMG! I could have written so many of these myself:

He didn’t think it would bother me much
He was thinking of ending it
It was just sex
The A was my fault because I yelled at him, he says, for something

They all have the same lines.

They need to vilify us/rewrite history in order to justify what they did.

He still seems to have little remorse or understanding of the depth of pain and betrayal he’s caused. He hasn't a clue how to feel remorse because it's always been a Happy Hank-centric world.
Yes, ^^^this adds salt to the wound.

I know you have your own reasons for staying, and believe that it is the best decision for you.
Sending you strength and hugs.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:24 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Stumblingon posted 11/30/2019 17:52 PM

252 hours with a hooker? I have no idea what their rates are but that sounds like a hugely expensive affair.

mchercheur posted 11/30/2019 19:02 PM

252 hours with a hooker? I have no idea what their rates are but that sounds like a hugely expensive affair.

I am sure that now he thinks it was "just a little bump in the road."

Wool94 posted 11/30/2019 19:16 PM

252 hrs = 10.5 days

Doesn't sound right.

weddingbelle posted 11/30/2019 23:00 PM

So many of these I've heard as well and my husband didn't even have an affair. Yep, that's right, I caught him grooming a woman at a wedding we were at and nipped it in the bud. I did find out after over a year of TT that he'd been subtly emotionally abusing me and our son for years, among other things, but I've received the same deceit you all have. It's why I'm here. So much of this crap resonates with me and after all, if I hadn't caught him, he would've done the same thing. Good on ya HOPE2B! More, more more. I'm gonna sit down and write some stuff down to share. Might be cathartic! (((HUGS)))

mchercheur posted 12/1/2019 22:25 PM

I did find out after over a year of TT that he'd been subtly emotionally abusing me and our son for years
Infidelity is abusive.
Cheating on one's spouse and then blaming them for it is abusive.

sisoon posted 12/2/2019 14:19 PM

Hope,

If you go into your profile, do you see an option for a journal? If so, you can cut and paste your post and save it in your journal for posterity.

Hope2B posted 12/6/2019 01:53 AM

Coco, the ludicrous part of this is that, of course, he was NOT the only man the slunt was seeing--she made her living by prostitution... but he believed that she was only seeing him.

Mchercheur, yes, I'm sure he looks back and thinks it was a little bump in the road... and I'm also pretty sure he doesn't even think of his A except with perhaps a faraway look of fondness that "thems were the days" kind of attitude. Sick, isn't it. Yes, infidelity is abuse.

Stumblingon and Wool, I ascribe this to WH's magical thinking, and yes, the sum of the money spent, was huge.

Weddingbelle, I had been carrying that list with me since DDay #2, six years ago. For many of us, it's cathartic to share here and to get responses of understanding and support.

Thanks, sisoon, I didn't realize that journaling option was even there.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 1:54 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

mchercheur posted 12/7/2019 00:13 AM

he was NOT the only man the slunt was seeing--she made her living by prostitution... but he believed that she was only seeing him
A lot of cheaters think that their relationship with OW is SO *special* , when in fact what is going on is cheap and superficial and all about getting ego kibbles.

Maybehurtforever posted 12/7/2019 00:40 AM

Mine too thought he was exclusive with all his hookers. When I saw how dumpy and ugly one was he actually said “I realize I should have been more discerning”. I thought that one deserved a place.

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