SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

AlphaSilvr posted 12/2/2019 09:24 AM

Hello, all.
Its been awhile since I posted but I figure its time for an update and I could use getting things out.

First off, the woman that moved in with me (GF of 3-4 months moved in with me last spring/summer) and I are back together. We made horrible decision based on horrible situations. We both disregarded our instincts and went ahead with everything. We look back and wonder what the hell we were thinking. We have agreed it will be many years since we move in together, if ever.

I know it was a red flag that we did it, but we talk about it and we both messed up, not just her.

She can be a bit crazy at times, but we talk things through. Its new to me, being able to be honest with how I feel about something and not have someone jump down my throat because they disagree. GF actually tries to see things from my view and talks to me when she disagrees or is uncomfortable with something. We had a really bad start and some other issues, but we are working through them together. Its refreshing, if difficult.

I started seeing a new therapist. She is in my town and calls me out on my crap. I've only seen her a couple of times but I can tell she will be able to help me work through things. She helped me realize that I put up with a lot being married to my XWW... and then went to the other extreme and didn't put up with anything anymore (yes, I was not talking or discussing things with my GF at first).

Things are good on that end.

I have found peace with who I am. I started college, but due to funding issues I can't continue. I learned that its to stressful for me, though, and I really didn't want the debt even if I wanted the degree. :P I don't feel like a failure this time, though (I tried college twice before in my younger years). I tried and learned its not for me.

I started an indoor garden. Its small but coming along nicely and it brings me joy.

I have a few close friends and don't feel the need to go out all the time or try and be something I am not. My apartment is clean, but I am still organizing and getting it just how I, yes, I, like it. I have found peace and contentment in my life and I have found peace with who I am. I don't rely on other's opinions of me to feel good. I am still working on thicker skin, but I am not dependent on other's for my self esteem.

That said, I had an epiphany this weekend. I found out my ex is engaged. I seriously thought I would be hurt, depressed, jealous, or angry. All I feel is joy. Its not joy for her, though, I am not that far along. I feel joy because its validation. I predicted she would be married or engaged in a year. I was spot on as its been a year since I said that.

Now, I feel joy because I was right, but... over the summer I had to call the cops on her now Fiance because of harassment every time we would exchange kids. I didn't press charges but the harassment eventually stopped. He was then arrested about 1-2 months ago for threatening a coworker's life (it was in the papers and my youngest told me he was arrested... yes, in front of my children). Add to this, I am aware, but cannot prove, that they are at least doing drugs (stronger than marijuana... at least meth), and possibly part of a chop shop of stolen bikes (big problem in my town). She has been through 3 jobs in the last year and he has been through at least 3 himself that I am aware of. They have broken numerous promises to my kids already and put themselves before the kids (they smoke heavily despite my oldest having asthma... they believe the daily steroid inhaler he takes is OK so that they can continue to smoke).

I have predicted that if abuse has not started yet, it will soon (his first thought is violence when upset). I predict at least she will cheat on him within 2-3 years and they will be divorced within 5 years. I laugh because karma is coming.

Thing is, my kids are in the middle of all this... hell, even his kids (whom my boys get along with really well). It sucks. I don't care about her anymore, I even pity her the future she has in store... but my kids are going to feel it and that does hurt. It hurts that I can do nothing but watch and wait. I will be ready for them, though, stronger than ever.

destroyed1 posted 12/9/2019 02:04 AM

Dude, I love that last line!

I will be ready for them, though, stronger than ever.

Thanks for the update. I have no doubt that the rest of your predictions will also be correct.

AlphaSilvr posted 12/14/2019 21:27 PM

Thanks, destroyed01.

It helped to write all this out. My therapist continues to be awesome. I told her all of this and she challenged my thinking with "and maybe they stay together for the rest of their lives."
She was pointing out that it doesn't really matter. I will be there for my kids if things turn bad, but thinking and predicting what is going on in my X's life is wasted energy.

She also pointed out that reading people (which I am good at) and predicting people (not so good) are two different things.

My GF continues to amaze me as well. I can talk freely with her, even if she gets hurt or upset by what I say, we continue to talk it through. Its still a battle as we learn about each other and learn to communicate effectively. We started well and rushed things way to fast and it blew up in our faces... but now we take a day at a time and just keep moving forward. :)

oh! One thing my therapist challenged me to do was NOT talk about my X to my friends, especially my GF. If I needed to vent I was to come her to SI and vent but not to my friends. Other than citing examples for regular discussion, I have left my X out of my conversations... and I am finding I think about her or the past less and less already.