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I am really sucking at the 180

leavinglimbo2019 posted 12/3/2019 02:22 AM

I think I 180'd better the first time around. He is still living here and I go back and forth from sadness to anger. When I'm sad, I want him to comfort me as he has been my source of comfort for the past 25 years. When I'm angry, I want to vent at him so I engage and then he is mad at me and drags out all the old arguments about me being cold, always only doing what I want, making all the decisions myself and driving him to other women.

I need to figure it out because it seems like he will not be leaving any time soon. Rents are very expensive so he can't afford anything on his own. I have suggested moving in with OW but that doesn't seem to be an option. I think it would only be fair that she get to enjoy him 24/7. we have to get our finances figured out and mortgage refi and such before he would have money to get his own place. We are in a community property state.

Anyway, I guess I should vent on here more often so that I don't need to talk to him. It is a weird place to be. I keep asking him what his plans are. I guess that is a mistake. I need to make my own plans.

WornDown posted 12/3/2019 08:05 AM

Vent away! IHS sucks.

And remember: Try and try again.

Just keep working on the 180.

Chili posted 12/3/2019 09:54 AM

I need to make my own plans.

Yes, yes, and yes.

You don't have to figure out every last piece of logistics right now, but you need to "make plans" for you every single day. What are you doing to heal? What are you doing to make your own safe space and place in the house? Have you started to outline all of your legal options? Instead of engaging with him in conversations where he makes everything about you, can you do something else? Take a bath with a good book or music? Join a hobby club? See your own close friends?

Try and shut out the noise where he tells you all of the reasons why you caused his cheating. And guess what, anything about doing the 180 and taking care of yourself are NOT further "reasons" for him to run out an continue to cheat on you.

And from what you wrote, I'm not sure he's making any plans for himself besides hoping you get over it or seeing how he can go on cheating or some other little rug-sweeping move. Please don't tie your cart to his horse. It seems stuck in the mud right now. Focus on you. Start doing some of the driving - it will help you from feeling like you're in limbo-land.

leavinglimbo2019 posted 12/3/2019 10:37 AM

Last night I did some thought work and planning. I set some goals for the next 3 months to move things along on my terms. I am in charge of finances so I will go over those and see what options there are for the house refi. I have been doing some creative art classes and will continue to do things like that.

Although I am very sad about the ending of this relationship, I also recognize that I really donít want to be in it any more. That would be true even if he hadnít been unfaithful again.

I will keep re reading the 180 and detaching guides. It shouldnít be that hard as heís hardly ever here but when he is, I fall back into those familiar patterns.

nekonamida posted 12/3/2019 11:55 AM

making all the decisions myself and driving him to other women.

Seriously, screw him! What an ass to say that to you after all he's put you through.

Keep at the 180. If you fall, just get right back on it. No need to dwell on it. Mistakes are going to be made when you have 25 years of history. And keep on making those plans for you - BUT - Make the plans that are BEST for you regardless of what they mean for him. If you can move in with family and friends sooner, DO IT and make him pick up the slack with the house.

I can see you're still very focused on his needs - can't rent, no money, too expensive. But guess what? He's not concerned with you in the slightest. He's not sitting around thinking about how he can be fair to you in the D. He's thinking about himself and all too willing to play on your good nature to keep bankrolling him even if it's at your expense. So if it's convenient to refi the house and wait on things, that's okay but if it's better for you to do anything differently, do that instead. He's an adult. He will figure out where to go from here if he needs to.

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