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Stuck in the void / How do you know what is right?

FlipFlopFlamingo posted 12/3/2019 08:54 AM

I am currently still doing in-house separation. Been holding pretty solid on the 180 with regard to communication and time together. Have been backsliding and not doing so well with sex lately. I don't trust anything she says, but underneath it all I'm still in love with her and it feels right to touch her.

Anyway, divorce papers are being drafted as we speak. Unfortunately, she is beginning to soften and show remorse. I am still no willing to discuss anything with regard to reconciliation because honestly I don't know if I can do it.

Cheating and lying is such a fundamental betrayal that is has shaken me to my core. The fact that she is capable of such a thing would be something that would have fundamentally disqualified her from being my wife had I known. Additionally, her actions, continued dishonesty, and lack of effort since the infidelity has been discovered is probably more of a disqualification with regard to fundamental character.

In the beginning of this process, she blamed it all on my of course. I didn't do enough or pay enough attention. I didn't make her happy. In reality, she has either convinced herself she was miserable to cover for the shame she is feeling, or she was truly unhappy and never made any effort to work on herself prior to finding comfort and acceptance outside of her marriage vows.

When I put facts down this all seems so damn simple. But I have loved her for over 15 years. We have kids together and two months ago I would have given anything to just rugsweep this scenario and go on with my family. However, the advice and things I have read on this board and my individual counseling has led me to begin to realize the importance of boundaries, self-worth, and respect. I can't accept anyone as a wife that would put anyone in front of me. I am loyal. I am a provider. I am a protector. I deserve someone that treats me the same.

Nor really sure what I'm asking here. I have a counseling appointment this afternoon. I know I just have to stay strong for my kids, but I hate to see my wife hurt. I'm so upset that she has thrown everything away and I know she is on the road to realizing it. I'm just afraid that there may not be anything I can do from this point to help her or to move forward with the picture-perfect family that I have always envisioned and worked my entire life to build.

Catwoman posted 12/3/2019 09:15 AM

It's okay for this to be a dealbreaker.

It's okay to feel that this cannot be repaired based on your feelings and beliefs.

It's also okay to change your mind along the way.

What's "right" for you may not be what is "right" for someone else. That's what your IC is for--to help you find your balance and move forward with action that works for you.

You have to heal you. Your wife has to heal herself. At some point, you have to decide what you do moving forward with regards to the marriage. Once you are in a place where more healing has happened, you may feel differently. Or not.

Divorce is incredibly painful and it often takes a long time. If that is what you choose, there's no reason to not take some time in couples counseling to help minimize the impact on your children, as well as both of you.

Cat

fareast posted 12/3/2019 09:23 AM

In your first post on October 24, 2019 you wrote:

ď This is going to hit her unbelievably hard some day. It is a shame I wonít be there to comfort her.Ē

And so it is. You were exactly correct. Consequences. Keep moving forward. Good luck.

Rustylife posted 12/3/2019 12:54 PM

Maybe stop sleeping with her? Who is initiating this contact? The more you distance yourself, the better your chances are of clearing your head. Honestly, with the papers being drafted and all, very few couples come back from that. With what I've seen here, the moment you make a move towards reconciliation, it will go back to being all about her unhappiness, her needs, what was lacking in the relationship that led such a virtuous person to do this Do you really want to resume this argument?

Keep up with your current path. It sucks but it's the natural consequence of cheating on your spouse. Give yourself time. With divorce, you're not dependent on someone else to heal you. I found that to be a very liberating thought during my separation. Reconciliation is just filled with false hopes and constant backslides. Think about that. You might desire it now as you think it is what will help you the fastest but maybe, 2 years from now, even if she magically does all that you want from her, even then, your mind might not reconcile with what she has done and what can't be undone.

HalfTime2017 posted 12/3/2019 13:18 PM

FFF,

I was in your exact same position and felt the same way. How can my WW make such a mistake? We had the picture perfect family. I was a dotting father, a provider, she didn't have to clean, or cook. The fact is, its not YOU and what you did or didn't do. I spent months trying to figure that out, but the truth is, its all about her. What she didn't do to tell you how she felt. What she didn't do as an adult to sooth herself, fulfill her own happiness and to find peace with the great "GIFT" that she was given. The "gift" is the life she had, loving husband and great lifestyle.

Sometimes, the WW's convince themselves of what they thing they actually deserve, and how miserable they are. How unhappy there are! What about you? What about the kids? What about the family and friends? You see, it always turns back to them. Their issues, their selfish endeavors and their inability to see what they have right there before them. Happy kids? Great lifestyle? Loving Husband and home? These selfish WWs start wondering what else they're missing, how much happier they can be, all the while missing whats right in front of their eyes. Everything that they've ever wanted is what they currently have, yet they go searching for more.

You're absolutely right. Its so damn simple, but theyre not you or I. They're selfish, immature, and lack the emotional maturity to self sooth and the awareness of all that they lack. Your counseling session won't help your WW, she has to do it on her own. What I'm here to tell you is that I've been there. What you gave that women, and continue to give your children is something that 90% of what all women want out there. There are going to be hundreds of women who are going to want to take her place. A good hardworking provider, father to the kids and good husband. She had it all, now theres going to be a line of women coming in to replace her. And they will. Trust me.

You know your self worth, and know she knows hers. Every day you stay with her is going to remind you of this situation. Keep up with the 180, and don't backslide b/c its easy. Easy is the route she took. You need to take the hard and correct approach, like you always have, and move on this continued dishonesty WW of yours.

FlipFlopFlamingo posted 12/3/2019 13:40 PM

Thank you all for the input. I know that you are right and know that her negativity and dishonesty has taken more of a toll on me over the years than I have ever realized.

I never kept score during our marriage (as she apparently has). I have never cared or been resentful of any of her shortcomings because we have had honesty and commitment, and I have always put my family first.

Turns out I was the only one that was more interested in giving than receiving. I feel like my individual counseling is putting me on the right track, and nothing that has come from any of those sessions has led me to believe that I deserved any of the treatment that I have received.

It is just really hard to distance myself from someone that has been such a part of my life. My original intention was to continue in-house separation until divorce is finalized, but I'm starting to think that I may need to accelerate that timeline.

I will admit that I have been initiating the majority of the physical contact. I have to do better, but I also have to accept that I am doing my best and am way behind the curve in processing the end of this marriage.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 12/3/2019 13:45 PM

Cheating and lying is such a fundamental betrayal that it has shaken me to my core. The fact that she is capable of such a thing would be something that would have fundamentally disqualified her from being my wife had I known.

Call me crazy but if any of us knew our WS was capable of hurting us in the most horrific way we never would have married them in the first place.

I understand how you feel. Weíve all been in your position. Iím sorry this has happened to you. But please believe me (and others) when I say....it will get better. Cheating was and always will be a deal breaker for me. Donít beat yourself up about that. As humans thats the least a potential spouse/partner should be able to provide.....TRUST. Without trust you really donít have anything as it pertains to a relationship. Iím all about 2nd chances and forgiving. But when it comes to cheating, for me, itís 1 strike youíre out. But only you can decide whats best for you. No one else. Including your WW.

Iím sorry this has happened to you. Stay strong. Keep the 180 strong. Continue to check in with us. And just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

HalfTime2017 posted 12/3/2019 13:50 PM

FFF, IHS is tough, but don't fall back on the physical contact b/c its easy. That is exactly the route your WW took, what was easy, just like her. Thats what the OM took from you, an easy wife.

If you need any futher proof and juice to get you on your journey just read the thread started by Incarnate about 5 below yours. DO YOU WANT TO BE HERE YRS FROM NOW? Living thru this nightmare again? Rip the bandaid off brother. She's giving you easy access to get what she wants, just like what she did with the OM! Is that really what you want or deserve? Don't waste anymore time with this women. Less contact both in conversation and physical will help you move along. The physical contact will only further delay your ability to move along.

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