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New here and newly separated

StillFighting4us posted 12/3/2019 20:41 PM

On about night 4 of "official" separation and it's agonizing. Wife and I have been married 11 yrs and have one child. Her drinking and illness have been stressful and she has accused me of being cold when she was ill and emotionally abusive for being upset when she was regularly unable to care for our child and household. She was also sexually assaulted 4 yrs ago and never received counseling.

I suspected and confirmed my wife texting and eventually calling another man-- a high school friend living in her home town across country. I confronted her and she said he was just a friend, but she said was done and wanted a divorce. I initially said I was pretty much done too and slept on the couch a few nights before realizing and very strongly believing I wanted to fight for our marriage. I began showering her with affection in the form of gifts, notes and physical touch. I started IC as well, though she refused to seek any counseling and accused me of waiting too long to get help. I thought we were slowly moving in the right direction when I caught her planning to meet him in another city. She went through with the trip and made the affair physical.

She filed for divorce but made no plans or orders before taking another trip where she would again see him. Shortly after her returning home, he essentially said he only had time to be her friend (how thoughtful). I hoped we could work on reconciliation as he was out of the picture, but she was not interested.

All throughout, we have remained amicable and even enjoyed each others company. She has said it's like we are best friends, but "it's different" and she doesn't have romantic feelings anymore. I argue this is actually a deeper connection, but she says it is just comfortable. She has frequently wanted to cuddle and initiated intimacy.

I finally agreed to a separation as I suspected she was again talking to someone. My affection was also sometimes wanted and sometimes shunned, making me a wreck. She has also frequently gone out dancing and made new friends, some being males who I have caught texting her. I said I would no longer sit home while she went out until 2am, and was ready for a separation. She delayed the weekend we had planned to start, and that same weekend went out until 5:30am.

It's taken a few weeks since to work out details, but we now share an apartment, switching out 50/50 to be with our daughter in our home. I'm certain she's talking to someone again and believe this one is local and physical. WE started couples therapy but she's not certain she wants reconciliation (and has not admitted there's anyone else in the picture.)

I know she's giving me little to work with, but I'm a wreck when she's away. I still love her and want to save our family. I'm certain she'll take full advantage of her freedom now that we are apart and it makes me physically sick with anxiety.

I'm a great Dad, and taking advantage of every minute with my amazing daughter. Meanwhile, mommy failed to call and talk to her tonight. Back to being Dad, thanks for letting me vent!

fareast posted 12/3/2019 21:46 PM


Sorry you are here. We all know how the kick in the gut feels and the sadness. You may be fighting for your M but you cannot do it alone. It takes two and your WW has checked out of your M long ago. She will continue the status quo as long as you allow it. Stop. You were doing the pick me dance. It never works. You canít nice her back. The pick me dance makes you look weak to your WW. You canít force her to change. She has filed for D. Have you been served? Do you have an attorney? If not you need to get one and get this D moving. Right now she is stringing you along as a Plan B while she goes out and parties and continues her Aís while you watch your child. Is this the life you want?

You deserve better. Always value yourself. Be there for your child. Stop doing things for your WW. She fired you from caring. Start pushing the D as hard as you can. Get a separation agreement. If she wants the D, she may agree to more advantageous terms in the D. Use your t8ming and determination to move on for you and your child. Keep track of all of the times he ignores your child and fails her parental responsibilities. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:18 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Buster123 posted 12/3/2019 22:14 PM

I'm sorry but you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with here, she's gone and dating openly right in front of you, please end this farce and speed up the D process, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar, don't forget to get tested for STDs, contact a pitbull D attorney.

Bleu posted 12/4/2019 02:51 AM

fareast and Buster 123 have summed it up.

Please move forward and concentrate on you and your daughter. As time passes and you work the 180, you will gain clarity about your marriage.

It's a tough journey but one of great value.

Bleu posted 12/4/2019 02:51 AM

Deleted dupe.

[This message edited by Bleu at 6:33 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 12/4/2019 14:18 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation StillFighting4us. Not to be brutal but it looks to me like you've done everything wrong so far. You're giving your cheating wife the freedom to cheat consequence free while you sit at home and pine for her. That's the quickest way to losing everything you thought you had. It's called the 'pick me' game and you're losing just like everyone else who's ever played that game. You have only two goals at this point in your life. 1. Get yourself out of infidelity (you're still in it) and 2. Take your life back (you can't begin this until you're out of infidelity). She says she wants her own life apart from you. Give it to her. Don't delay. File for divorce now. This is how you get out of infidelity. Then you start your life new. Start hanging out with friends you've neglected over the years. Take up those hobbies that you left long ago. Start your new single life right now. She's already started hers and she's not coming back. You need to get busy and start enjoying life again. Read about and do the 180; disconnect from her. Talk to her only about finances and your child. Don't speak to her about anything else, period. She wants her alone life; give all of it to her. Don't babysit if it's not your turn to have your child. Let her find her own babysitter. Stop being available; stop cuddling; stop entertaining her. She's not your friend and she stopped being your wife a long time ago. Take control of your life; take it back from her; she's trampling on it. Value yourself enough to not allow anyone to treat you like crap. You have value; act like it. Take care of yourself.

StillFighting4us posted 12/4/2019 19:09 PM

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. I fully concede that the "pick me" dance was the wrong thing to do, and I witnessed it gradually push her further away. I do still disagree about (or maybe not yet ready for) a full 180. We have separated, which is absolutely necessary as I could no longer be around for the pain she was causing. Frankly, I feel some relief when she has our daughter as I know she's not out those nights. During the separation, I will absolutely work on me. Went for my first (voluntary) run EVER tonight. I'm nowhere near ready to date, so I see no harm in holding off moving the divorce forward while we are separated. That may change as I regain my self esteem and clarity. And perhaps it's false hope, but she may see how much I have my shot together, too. If not-- I'm in a better place either way.

All that being said, I still check the phone bill obsessively and her social media. I know this has to stop. I've removed most "smart" devices in our home as to not have that info (garage, doorbell, lights). Small steps I suppose.

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