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Codependent new beginning but itís slow!!!!!

BarbsMarbs posted 12/4/2019 10:48 AM

So, I looked at the site today after almost 6 months since I last posted. I wanted to thank a wonderful person on this forum who responded to my post on grief in the divorce topic 6 months ago but the thread is closed, so I hope Ellen reads this! She identified in my codependent behaviour because I was unable to move on and kept blaming the ex for everything. I went away and did lots of research and was shocked when I came across the narcissistic personality and codependent toxic cocktail of a marriage in which I had been living. I found on YouTube a wonderful (if painful And frightening) seminar called ĎDivorcing the narcicistí. I can recommend if anyone feels that have suffered within a toxic relationship. Since then I follow Sara Davidson, the divorce coach on FB and read/watch bonafide individuals on this topic.

I am low again (I find this time of year hard, facing my third separated Christmas) and my ex is sniffing around as his crazy relationship has ended about 3 months ago and heís living in his mums back bedroom!! Belongings in his car!!! Anyway, of course, I realise, I have allowed his sniffing! Where are my boundaries? I have moved myself and my girls into a new home and said this was our safe place - away from memories - fears etc, but even so he has now been into my kitchen and lounge. He seems so normal and I get lulled and I have to remind myself heís a High functioning liar, cheat, addict, gambler, hedonist, grandeoise personality behind a veneer, who has NOTHING! He is sniffing because I am financially stable, have a home, have the kids and am slowly building my self back up. He also knows my codependency - not consciously maybe but I remind myself he wants my energy because he canít survive without it. I am a supply. Conversely, my addiction is to him. To fixing him. To controlling his addiction - to make him love me - to make him see my pain and my good....

my reading has lead me to ĎCodependent no moreí which arrived today. I have wept over the first two chapters. I have to work on me and my boundaries so that my girls see a better example. My eldest is now 16 and suffering with anxiety and depression. We fight, I make decisions because she pushes my buttons like the ex does. So I ordered the book. I have to look deep inside now and work hard in myself so that next relationships and those with my kids are better for the future. So itís a mixed message about moving forward and to thank Ellen who had no idea that her few words would push me in the right direction. Thanks for reading x

heartbroken_kk posted 12/8/2019 21:22 PM

Hi BarbsMarbs,

I was also codependent and divorced a narcissist.

Let's start with boundaries. You need to keep working on establishing and defending them and not caving.

A boundary is a thing you decide FOR YOURSELF, in an area where YOU have control.

You do not have to allow him into your home. You control your home. Not your kids.

he has now been into my kitchen and lounge

This is not OK. If it was YOU who allowed it, you have yourself to blame. If it was your kids who allowed it, you have to establish some rules about him not entering the house. Literally you have to say that he "cannot set foot" into your home.

Your daughter's depression needs care, get her into therapy and if needed have a doctor see her and test out medication to assist. Don't let your fear for her feelings keep you from enacting boundaries to protect yourself. That would be codependent with your daughter. Got it?

Codependency is a habitual way of thinking and behaving. I put a ton of work into my self-improvement project, as if it was a home improvement project. You can do this too.

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