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Coach1984 posted 12/5/2019 14:48 PM

Hi all,

Looking for some insight as I've searched the interwebs and cant seem to find an answer. I believe my wife was engaged in a nearly 3 year EA with our neighbor. He has since moved on and our relationship has been much better. She still will not admit to anything other than a friendship. My question is this: she developed a crippling anxiety issue during this time. It has softened, but she still suffers from panic attacks occasionally. During the EA, they were daily and severe enough that she had to be placed on medication. My question to all the BS out there, does anyone have any similar experiences to this? I've heard of BS having anxiety because of the A, but would a WS develop this level of anxiety by keeping the secret, especially knowing that if the smoking gun were found, the marriage would end?

hikingout posted 12/5/2019 14:58 PM

I did not experience this as a WS, but I do have a former friend/coworker who also had a 3 year affair (she did leave her husband for the AP). I didn't know she was having an affair at all, but she did start developing severe anxiety about 18 months in. She was in the hospital several time for chest pains, had to wear a heart monitor for a time. And was missing a lot of work, went through a lot of trials of getting her medicine right.

When I finally discovered she was having an affair, she explained to me that the A caused her to feel such extreme guilt and confusion that she did feel it was A related. So, 3 years later? She is still on the medication. We aren't friends any more but I still work with her, that's how I know. She just married the AP a few months ago.

survrus posted 12/5/2019 16:16 PM

Coach,

3 years is a long time for an affair so close to home to remain emotional. You know it most likely went physical adults in love are powerfully attracted and don't just send love notes.

Her anxiety is likely from her fear that you will discover the truth about what happened.

You gut is telling you she is still lying have her write out a detailed timeline for the affair and take her for a polygraph.

My W had a breakdown when OM3 was on the scene. Another woman who had a secret affair in her history comforted her at that time.

hcsv posted 12/5/2019 17:10 PM

My ex was a mess during the affair, so different. I told a friend that someday i was going to get a call that he had a heart attack.

Well, I got the call from his boss that he was taken to the ER via ambulance. Funny, I got the call while I was in a therapy session.

While going to the hospital, i had to call his boss and ask if anyone had accompanied him to the ER. I didnt want to meet up with the COW in the ER.

Turns out he had a panic attack. That morning he had started some financial shenanigans with our joint accounts.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/5/2019 17:18 PM

My WH was a mess during his A. Couldn’t sleep, stressed out, super irritated, and sad actually.( cuz he couldn’t have it all? ) I agree it could be due to the A. Especially if it was a PA....

IHatePickingName posted 12/5/2019 21:04 PM

My husband experienced a lot more anxiety during the years he was cheating or trying his best to cheat. And he kept experiencing it until he stopped lying. He says he felt relief immediately after, because he had told me the worst and he no longer had to fear what would happen if i knew. (Of course, he discovered his worst fears didnt compare to reality. He feared divorce and personal shame, not me coming close to suicide. But i digress)

He still has anxiety, and probably always will. And finally dealing with a his shit means he deals with a lot of it on a regular basis. But the specific anxiety about hiding which was ever present is gone. I saw a difference in his demenor almost immediately. His relief was palpable.

cancuncrushed posted 12/5/2019 21:21 PM

My xwh experienced extreme anxiety twice. Once when Ow dumped him. And second when the alcoholism started affecting his brain.

I believe they were part of the same. Blended. No sleep. One or two hours a day. He had to take off work. Take meds. See specialists. He became suicidal.

And then it repeated. He left me for another Ow. Relapsed. And she dumped him. Again. his anxiety is over the top

It hurt me that I was never a stress for him. Only Ow

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:23 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]