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Struggling to let go

HauntedEcho posted 12/8/2019 14:37 PM

I know my marriage is over. He has moved out and is continuing to see his AP. He has said and done the most cruel things to me. The divorce papers I filed will finally be served on Monday. Every fiber of my body is screaming in protest. I *had* to do this, I know. I finally blocked him on my phone. I guess he noticed because the carrier sends an auto message that texts are not being accepted. He didnt like that. He told my mom when he came over to pick up his precious special toothpaste and contacts. He also went back to blaming me for the breakdown of our relationship. All he cares about is himself and the money and resources he will be losing in this divorce. My destroyed heart and life is of absolutely no consequence. I thought I was starting to accept this, but I guess a tiny part of me was holding onto hope that he would realize what he was losing. I feel like such a sucker. I keep thinking of him throughout our many years together. Times when he was truly kind and loving. Idk what was real but my mental construct of him as a wonderful man is so slow to die. I still love that man deeply. Not this horrible, selfish man baby. The reality is smacking me in the face. Meanwhile my dreams are haunted by him coming back and telling me he loves me. Intimate dreams. I hate them. I will have to see him on the 17th for our first court date and I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm barely able to get out of bed most days. I sometimes manage bursts of activity and during those times its like I'm outside of my body. I feel like I'm not really alive anymore. My family tries to help me feel better but I'm just this sorrowful zombie weighing them down. I'm in Florida now staying in a beautiful hotel right off the beach and all I can think of is my crumbling life. How do I accept this pain knowing it will be my reality for probably years? How do I stop thinking about him and how he's sleeping easy at night with the comfort of his new "better" girlfriend? (He actually said she was better. Maybe its a good thing idk who she is or I bet I would torment myself even more, comparing myself to her). I feel so broken down already, and its only 3.5 weeks out from learning of his affair. There are going to be so many low points going through this legal hell, moving, changing every single daily routine

[This message edited by HauntedEcho at 2:45 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 12/8/2019 15:32 PM

(((Haunted))). It is still a bit of a ride, but it does get better. Not overnight, not even quickly, really. But day by day moments get brighter. I won’t lie— it will still bring you to your knees sometimes, but less frequently as time goes by, and you will recover faster from each time.

There WILL be silver linings. You WILL see your M in a more truthful, no rosy-glasses way as time goes on. You will discover things about yourself you never knew or had forgotten. But it does take time. Keep looking forward, use your IC, journaling, friends to explore what you might want your future to look like. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how small the steps.

This is HARD. It really is. So be gentle with yourself accept that the feelings you have are normal and because you were committed to your marriage. If you are not in IC, think about finding someone to help you move forward. Protect your future (get what you deserve in the D).

Sending you support —-

FusedGlass posted 12/8/2019 15:49 PM

HauntedEcho, I'm so sorry. This is excruciatingly painful, and beyond words to express to anyone who hasn't been through it. What you are describing is unfortunately normal for someone going through this. But please know that you will survive it all, even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

I'm only about 10 months out from separation myself, but I'll share what my therapist told me in the time when STBXWH left:

Focus on taking care of your very basic needs right now -- eating healthy food, drinking water, a little exercise, and getting as much sleep as you can. Talk to someone every day who cares about you (not him) -- ideally in person, but otherwise on the phone; you need that human connection. (Please don't worry that you're weighing down your family; you need them and they want to help you.) Try to get out into the world at least once a day, just to feel like a person.

As much as you can, try to focus on the present moment instead of thinking ahead to what may or may not happen in the future. This is very basic too. Look out at the sky. Watch the ocean waves washing in and out over and over again. Feel your body sitting/standing where you are. Feel yourself breathing. You'll need to do this over and over again throughout the day.

You will get through this, and it won't always be this hard. Things get much, much better and clearer over time.

Muggle posted 12/8/2019 16:50 PM

All he cares about is himself and the money and resources he will be losing in this divorce. My destroyed heart and life is of absolutely no consequence. I thought I was starting to accept this, but I guess a tiny part of me was holding onto hope that he would realize what he was losing. I feel like such a sucker. I keep thinking of him throughout our many years together.

The first part says it all. He cares only about himself and how it will affect HIM.

YOU realize what he's losing, but he may not ever show that he does. You are not a sucker, you are a vulnerable because you are a good person. You are loyal, loving, caring, faithful, and have all the qualities that he lacks.

You are looking for closure, a "how" or "why" and those are answers we often struggle with the most. We try to rationalize irrational behavior, selfish behavior, and self destructive behavior. All of what you're experiencing speaks volumes as to the kind of person HE is rather than a reflection of the person YOU are.

While a normal person grieves, processes and tries to come to terms with this soul sucking experience, the WS has none of these feelings. We suffer, while they play, enjoy and appear to move on to a new life. This is the worst part of the manipulationship that we experience.

It IS not reality. They aren't better off, they aren't truly happy, they didn't trade us in for something or someone better. They are flawed human beings with no empathy. In time you will realize you deserved far more than he was capable of giving. You will survive, and thrive again. He will still be the sad individual he's become, devoid of any redeeming qualities.

Take one day at a time, this too shall pass, slowly, painfully and often through days and nights filled with tears. When you come out the other side, you will be stronger than you imagined, smarter than when you entered, and empowered with knowing you can survive anything life dishes out. It can't rain forever, there's a rainbow out there waiting to be found.

Hang in there, and keep posting, it will help to let out the pain and frustration of being. No one signed up for this, we all arrived by someone else's decisions. The time we spend here is for US, and we have no timeline to answer to.

Muggle posted 12/8/2019 16:55 PM

[This message edited by Muggle at 4:55 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

skeetermooch posted 12/8/2019 21:06 PM

Hi Haunted,
I'm so so sorry for your loss. You are likely still in shock. This is a trauma and it takes time.

My dday was about 4months ago. I was exactly where you are in terms of trauma and shock, though my circumstance differ a bit. It is a blindside like no other. Think of yourself as a person who just got hit by a truck - of course you can't get up but you will in time.

I don't remember exactly how long it took me to go from where you are now to somewhat better but it happened. There was a moment a few months ago when I realized I wasn't crying every day. I was able to enjoy things now and again.

I still have set backs - it isn't a linear process for sure - you feel better in chunks - but you have days where something triggers deep sadness or anxiety but it doesn't last.

Counseling, medication, friends, reading this site and knowing we're not alone and most of all no contact with the asshole who did this are the recipe.

I know I still have a long way to go but I'm grateful for the folks here and for feeling a bit better.

He sucks and you did not deserve this.

thishurts123 posted 12/9/2019 11:02 AM

I totally understand where you are right now. Like others have said, it takes time and it's not a linear process. My D is final six months and I still struggle. MY XWH wanted to stay married because of money and what divorce would do to him financially. He cared little about the broken hearts of myself and my children. He cared little about our financial security and what the divorce meant to us in that regard. You hit the nail on the head - he cares about himself. That's why he cheated in the first place.

Be kind to yourself and know that better days are coming. It does get better. Yes I said I still struggle but not like I did in the beginning. The kids and I are in a much better place than we were a year ago. I believe I will say the same thing next year.

bella444 posted 12/9/2019 15:21 PM

Haunted - I understand how you feel. I can't offer any comforting words, however I can tell you everyone I've encountered here has been great & very supportive. They all understand & have been a godsend to me. I hope you'll feel the same. :) ((((Hugs to you))))

HauntedEcho posted 12/10/2019 17:55 PM

Thank you to everyone who responded. I have read your words over and over again. I still dont know how I will get through this, as each day feels like a continuation of an endless hell. But I keep coming here and it helps somewhat. I'm sorry we're all in this spot.

StillFighting4us posted 12/10/2019 22:09 PM

I'm right there with you. Separated and splitting time in 50/50 apartment and in the house with our daughter. Her initial affair ended a few months ago, but she's at the very least "dating" 1 week into our official separation.

I feel strong at times, but wake up every morning crying and dry heaving before I even get out of bed.

"Continuation of an endless hell" is a very accurate description.

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