SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

heartachenpain posted 12/9/2019 00:21 AM

The last few weeks have been what I can only describe as the true meaning of hell. In the beginning when my wife first left it was a long period of shock. It still bothered me very much but not even close to how I am feeling now. I guess when in shock I held on to the hope of her return. The woman who meant so much to mean and(I thought) vice versa could not just forget about me. The one I spent the last 10yrs with and that promised to be by my side through anything would cool off and return. She never did though.

Within a matter of a month or so I was replaced by someone else. Fucked him and had no problem admitting that he was not going anywhere. Even hearing it from her I was still in shock. It didn't hit me until my daughter wanted to show me her selfies. As I looked at my daughters selfies that were taken pointed at a dresser mirror I noticed pics on the dresser. Pics of my wife and another man smiling, kissing and looking happy as can be. Just like that my whole world came crashing down around me.Shock quickly turned to deep depression.

It's like a slow torture that feels never ending. A constant empty feeling along with anxiety. Mind constantly racing and having to deal with the what if's and guilt. Feeling emasculated as you cry because mind movies of your wife fucking someone else keeps popping up throughout the day and night. Wanting so badly to stop loving them but you can't because if you truly love someone you can't just turn that switch off. It fucking sucks. I want to stop loving her. I want to not care about her but I can't just stop caring about the person I spent the last decade with.

How can she just stop caring? Was it ever really love? Is it possible for someone to have really truly loved someone and walk out on their marriage and not look back? Even after she left, even after she admitted to sleeping with someone else and continuing that relationship still would say she was in love with me. How can somebody that has spent so many yrs with you, started a family and built a life with you toy with your emotions like that? I'm just so fucking lost. My entire world has been turned upside down and I just don't know what to do. I want to feel better each day but instead feel worse.

Reason I am being put through this is because she didn't feel loved. All this torture, all this misery over her not feeling like I loved her enough. I spent my entire life with her. Everything I did was with her and our kids or for her and our kids. I busted my ass to get where I am today for her and our kids. To show her that she had a husband she could rely on. During our entire relationship remained faithful and committed to her. Didn't even have the slightest interest in other women and told her all the time that I had everything I needed at home. When she asked what I wanted for birthdays I would tell her nothing, that I had what I wanted. Her. I just can't believe that this is what I get in return for being a loyal, faithful and hardworking husband. I don't see myself ever being the same again. It's like a piece of me has died.

Chrysalis123 posted 12/9/2019 06:39 AM

Hi Heartachenpain. Your anguish is radiating off the page. I'm so sorry she betrayed and gutted you. You have been critically injured, and if it were physical you would be in ICU for weeks.

With that said it's important to handle yourself with loving tender care.

Reason I am being put through this is because she didn't feel loved.

To me this is not true. The reason she did this has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you could do or not do to make her betray you. That is all on her.

Look, you were in the same marriage and it never occurred you to harm her like she did to you. That is all on her.

If she is now blaming you on top of the cheating- that sucks and gives you a very good peek into her mental state.

At the moment she is NOT a safe person for you. In my opinion you need to go into batten down the hatches mode and protect yourself and your family from what she may decide to do. Secure finances, credit cards, etc. Secure the care of the kids. Protect pensions and protect yourself from any loans because in divorce debts are split 50-50.

You may want to seriously consider a divorce action because in most states the finances are frozen. If she pulls her head out of her ass and starts making choices that shows she is a friend of the marriage you can always stop the divorce.

I know it feels horrible and like torture right now. Keep going and the pain and agony will slowly go away.

Know in your heart you are a good man and a good dad. You daughter needs you as healthy as possible because mom is looking out for herself at the moment.

heartachenpain posted 12/10/2019 09:55 AM

Thanks for the reply and you are correct I need to snap out of it and begin taking action. Divorce looks like my only option. I tried letting her know how I felt and that I was willing to fight for our marriage. She completely avoided that and basically spoke like we were already divorced. She told me she was completely devoted to me during our marriage and that I go from trying to make her feel guilty to trying to make her sound like an awful person. All I do is bring up the fact that we are still married, that she is seeing someone else while married and that I wish she would realize that and fight for our marriage instead. It’s dead though. She’s completely shutdown and gave up. She has no problem going without us talking. She was my entire world. I don’t have hardly any family at all. I have my mom who lives in a dif state and my brother who also lives in a dif state and has his own life. So every problem, every exciting thing, anything I wanted to share with someone it was her. We shared almost a decade together. How is it so easy for her to just forget me? How is this not killing her like it is me? I couldn’t even think about dating someone else right now. She’s been dating someone for months now. I just feel like none of it was real. I was in love with someone who could have cared less about me. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life and I’ve been through a lot! I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone and don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I Just don’t see myself being able to love someone again the way I did her. It’s not worth the hurt in the end.

crazyblindsided posted 12/10/2019 12:32 PM

(((heartachenpain))) I am so sorry for the pain you are in. It is by far the worst thing i have ever gone through in my life because it has taken me YEARS to get the strength to leave and it still hurts

Within a matter of a month or so I was replaced by someone else.

I really think this says more about her than you. She cannot be alone with herself and needs constant validation to 'feel love.' Not a good combo. Many times a poor relationship choice is made due to impatience and jumping in with both feet immediately.

It will take time just time (I hate that dreaded word). In the meantime keep detaching and if you are not I would recommend seeing an IC during this time. Make sure to start working on building a support system of friends and family and try to stay busy.

How can she just stop caring? Was it ever really love? Is it possible for someone to have really truly loved someone and walk out on their marriage and not look back?

I have asked myself these questions over and over again and my own answer is that my STBX doesn't love himself therefore cannot love others in a healthy way including me. They can walk out on love because they are empty inside.

skeetermooch posted 12/10/2019 13:07 PM

You're right, it makes no sense what she did. It is absolutely not normal to suddenly stop loving one person and switch all of that love to a new person, not as an adult who's been married for years. This is something 16 years olds do, which may tell you something about her state of mind.

It's the worst torture in the world to experience this kind of rejection. It's not your fault and you did not deserve this. You will be okay.

See a therapist if you can. Make sure you're eating and sleeping well. Be careful with booze as it generally makes anxiety and depression worse. If you have good friends you can talk to or spend time with that's great. If not, come here and reach out.

She sucks. You are a good and decent man.

HalfTime2017 posted 12/10/2019 13:52 PM

heartachenpain-

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation as you. All the questions and feelings you have right now are valid. We all went thru something similiar on this forum.

Remember to take care of your health b/c lack of sleep, eating and exercising will further affect your well being.

The people on this site are here to help you navigate thru this. When I say that we've been thru exactly what you're going thru now, believe us. Read thru the thousands upon thousands of thread in Just Found out, or General and you'll see that you are NOT ALONE. What you're going to find out is that the wayward wives all act very similar, and that there are steps you can take to help your situation.

Right now, you're playing the pick me dance. You want to fight for your marriage. Problem is your wife doesnt. It takes two to save a marriage, and you're air boxing, none of your punches will land. Maybe at some point she may decided to start fight for you and your marriage, but you cannot do it alone, and it will only make it worst.

Once you get some clarity, you'll see that her aborant actions are hers alone, and that she has now involved and infected your daughter by showing her that Mommy can have a boyfriend while be married to daddy. IS that someone you really want to be with? Also, I'd hate to tell you this, but from the looks of it, your WW is checked out in an exit affair. Usually they try to hide the affair, but shes' already letting your daughter know that shes moved on, shes not trying to hide anything.

Your best move is to contact an attorney, and get moving on the D. She's already told you she wants out, and she's shown you by having a boyfriend who shes obviously introduced your daughter to. You can spend the rest of your life wondering about why she did what she did, if she feels remorse, was it real?..... Right now, you need to get in the game like others have said and connect with an attorney and make sure you protect yourself and your daughters interest.

Remember, listen to the folks on this board. We've been thru it, and are here to help you.

heartachenpain posted 12/10/2019 14:36 PM

Thank you for the replies. As for the sleeping and eating it’s been very difficult. I’m not able to really eat anything. If I’m lucky I can maybe eat half a meal a day. Sleep I get a few hrs of but have a lot of trbl falling asleep and wake up all throughout the night. As soon as I awaken the pain just hits me like a ton of bricks. I pray a lot but I’m starting to think no one is listening. I ask to have some of this pain taken away because it feels like it’s too much to handle. I hurt for my daughter and step daughter who I’ve raised as my own since she was 1. Their family is broken up and they have to see what’s completely not right as normal. My daughter has to try and act like it doesn’t bother her when I can see that it is. It kills me that she is only 8 and has to worry about not showing mom and dad or anyone that she is upset. She did end up telling me like a month ago that she was talking with her school counselor about everything and that it really helped. She played it off so well that if she wouldn’t have told me I would never had known she was hurting. She stays with me the majority of the time which really helps and I do my best not to show the pain I’m in because I know it will only hurt her. My step daughter also acts unbothered by it but I’m the only dad she has ever had and I worry about losing her after the divorce. Her dad is a pos and I’ve raised her like my own daughter. I think of her equally and always will and she thinks of me as her dad. She’s already got problems from all the disappointment her biological loser of a father she has fed her. I just feel like I failed as a husband. One of you mentioned the pick me dance and air boxing, that’s exactly what it felt like when I spilled my heart out trying to get her to understand what is really going on. I realized though that she has put up a wall and the words aren’t even reaching her. She’s about to be 32 and myself 34. This new guy is like 25, has nothing going for him and probably never will have anything going for him. He certainly will never be able to give my wife and 2 girls a good life. All I can do for now is make sure my daughters are not going to be around this guy who my wife doesn’t even know. I guarantee she will try to rush in to living with him. She started seeing him late Aug, the wonderful man went to jail on Sept for a warrant he had and she’s remained with him ever since. That’s who I got left for. I busted my ass to get the career that I got, to make sure that we lived a decent life and didn’t have to struggle and to show my wife how much my family means to me and in the end I get left for what sounds like a complete loser with absolutely nothing going for him. It’s like a sick joke or prank is being played on me. Like I’m waiting to wake up from this nightmare and laugh about it over breakfast with the family that I built but instead it’s reality and I’m stuck picking up the pieces while she my wife is happy as can be with her wonderful “boyfriend” fucking unreal!

HalfTime2017 posted 12/10/2019 17:29 PM

HAP- keeping posting on here. Vent here. The folks on this forum will help listen to you and guide you thru it. If you haven't already, read the 180 and read thru as many threads as you can get thru in the JFO and General forum so that you can see how this all works out. You are not alone, and unfortunately there will be many others like yourself that will join today, tomorrow and the years to come.

Your hopelessness is not for not. Trust us, it will turn. That pain you feel will get better. You're 34 and time is on your side. Make sure if your daughter is talking to the school counselor, she also has an outlet outside of school as well. Let her see a counselor outside of school if she needs it. Its hard for her to talk to you b/c its between you and your ex. She needs a safe space to let it out, and sometimes the parent is not a safe space because its taking sides. Just keep that in mind.

Follow these steps, and set a goal for yourself for the next 7 days.

- Get rest. If you need an aid, contact your Dr. or maybe look into over the counter sleep aids. You cannot be present for yourself or your daughters if you do not get rest.

- Go exercise, it will help you rest and clear your mind. It will help you get some of that anger/saddest out as well. Blast your favorite tunes and work out hard. You'll be glad you did this. Itll set you up for your next phase of your life. And you are going to have a next phase of life, just like the rest of us.

- Look up at least 3 local attornies and schedule consults with them next week. Know your rights, and know what you're going to be up against. Do not leave the marrital home, let the ex go stay with her boyfriend.

- Stop doing the pick me dance. Limit any contact going forward with the WW. Keep it to scheduling of kids only.

- Separate your finances. That means talk to your attorney and take the steps that they advise you to protect your money. Let them guide you legally and do it right, so that its not going to be used against you in a court of law.

heartachenpain posted 12/11/2019 08:19 AM

Thank you for the reply and for the steps to follow. All of what you wrote makes complete sense and I will definitely follow your advice. I’ll look up and read the 180 as well.

We haven’t lived together since Aug. She left and has been staying with her family. As for her staying with the bf that makes me nervous as my daughters will have to stay with him as well. The thought of a random man around my girls and I’m not going to lie even around my wife makes me really nervous and I go straight into protection mode. I do plan however to follow the advice of keeping contact only about the kids. It’s better for my mental health.

Today she sent me some old pics of her saying things like “look how pretty I was back then”. Part of me wanted to reply and let her know how beautiful she still is but then the objective side of me knows that is not the right thing to do as she has a boyfriend. That hurts to even type out. It just feels so awkward even reading back. Like I mentioned in previous post she speaks of our marriage in past tense so I guess to her having a new bf isn’t awkward at all. I guess sending me those pics is just another sick way of torturing me letting me see what I no longer have. I’m definitely going to continue to post and read here. If I don’t I really believe Im going to have a complete mental breakdown. Anyway thanks for listening and for giving advice on how to move forward.

squid posted 12/11/2019 08:49 AM

heartachenpain,

I guess sending me those pics is just another sick way of torturing me letting me see what I no longer have.

This is a true narcissist. Google "narcissistic triangulation". She is getting off on the narcissistic supply you are feeding her.

Hardcore NC and the 180 are the only ways forward for you. Communicate about kids and logistics only via text or email. Block her on all your social media. Maybe you should stay off all social media for a while too. Your seeing her pics on your daughter's social media is collateral damage that you don't need. If she calls, send it to voicemail and reply via text or email ONLY if it's regarding things mentioned above.

She's a stranger now. And someone that does NOT have your bests interests or emotional well-being in mind. You are merely someone she can use until she finds someone else to get it from. I know that's brutal to hear and even harder to accept. But the sooner you can do that, the easier this process will be.

This is where some emotional disconnect is in order. Think of the D process as a business transaction that you are entering into with a hostile adversary.

So lawyer up and go into it with a battle mindset. Just put your head down and get to it. After the dust settles and you have your final judgement in hand you can let your guard down and lick your wounds.

This whole thing sucks. I totally get it. We all get it. Yesterday was my 1 year antiversary of my D. It's a shit sandwich no one deserves. But you will get through this. And we're all here to help you through.

Keep posting.

ShatteredSakura posted 12/11/2019 09:49 AM

(((heartachenpain)))

The bit about sending you pictures is just wow...what a bitch. She is looking for validation, but she replaced you with a new boyfriend. What the hell is she thinking? Can she be that cruel?

If it was my WW, I know the answer - it's because she was feeling lonely and the new guy wasn't around for whatever reason. We've been separated for a while now, and usually that's the major reason when I hear from her. As people like to say on here, she's looking for ego kibbles.

So much of what you wrote resonates with me, even seeing new pictures of her and her new guy. Some time ago I managed to see a FB photo mine took of her AP together in the car and it made me sick. She posted the picture with it hidden from a lot of people we mutually know; the only people who could see it were the people they knew from several jewish social clubs they belong to. The happy comments some people wrote were even more of a kick to the gut, as if I didn't exist.

The feeling of being discarded, disposed, replaced...it's one of the most awful feelings ever. And she too felt like she wasn't loved enough...the woman was an emotional blackhole, nothing was ever enough and she barely lifted a finger for any of our domestic responsibilities. It's ironic her biggest complaint about feeling lonely or rejected because I wanted to go work on a hobby for a while in the next room (for one example)...and she rejects me in the most painful manner possible.

These people are broken and we can't fix them.

skeetermooch posted 12/11/2019 11:01 AM

And she too felt like she wasn't loved enough...the woman was an emotional blackhole, nothing was ever enough and she barely lifted a finger for any of our domestic responsibilities.

They are black holes. This crap about not being loved enough - never heard a word about it while we were together but now, it's one of the many excuses he pulls out of his ass to justify hurting me in the worst way possible.

bella444 posted 12/11/2019 12:47 PM

heartachenpain

I feel for you. This is the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced (& still going thru it). The people on this site are great! They understand and can help you deal with this unpleasant nasty situation you've been drug in to.

((((Hugs))))

ZenMumWalking posted 12/11/2019 13:44 PM

Hardcore NC and the 180 are the only ways forward for you.

THIS.

As painful as it is now, you should take this opportunity to begin to detach. As in

Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Her.

She is NOT your friend. Take care of yourself, take care of your children, and IGNORE the fuck out of her.

She's off in la-la land, there is nothing you can say or do to change anything about her. She didn't cheat because of anything you did or didn't do, she cheated because she has poor adulting and coping skills.

Hang in there heartachenpain, and let us help you get through this.

((((heartachenpain)))) <---- hugs to you

heartachenpain posted 12/11/2019 14:57 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies. It means so much right now just to know people actually care and that people are/have gone through it and completely understand. It really is the most awful l, traumatic thing I think I’ve ever been through. I was very close to my grandma and when she passed I don’t even remember being this devastated. The vision of my future is gone. All the plans I made, all the dreams I had for us is just gone like that. I came from a broken home and was raised by just my mom and the one thing I wanted to do in this life was give my children what I didn’t have. Not packing a bag to go stay house to house.

Like a few of you have said about not being enough, seems to the common theme. Why couldn’t they had just broke things off and divorced if they truly didn’t feel it was enough. Let me move forward with my dignity at least. Instead I get left in the dust trying to build back my self worth. I just still can’t believe I am sitting here writing this. I just want to know that I will be able to love someone again as much as I loved her and that I will be able to fully get over her and move forward from this. Right now both of those things feel unrealistic. I have decided as someone mentioned to deactivate social media. I also believe I am going be to put my phone on do not disturb and just disappear from the world for a while with the exception of this site and work. Thank you all once again and I’m sorry that you all can relate to this living hell that is being experienced. I just never want to feel this way again.

LLXC posted 12/12/2019 15:37 PM

Reason I am being put through this is because she didn't feel loved

It is entirely possible she didn't feel loved. It is possible that the love you showed isn't how she needs love to be expressed

But so what? Did she talk to you about? Tell you what she needs? Ask what you need?
And it's also possible that she loved you and felt loved right up until she difnt. What she did is shitty

[This message edited by LLXC at 3:39 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]