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Still hard to accept new reality

Cenny posted 12/9/2019 16:16 PM

I moved out over a year ago after finding out about 10 years of off and on infidelity. Even after moving out I hoped for him to want to change. He said all the right words, but his actions were not convincing enough.

The divorce was finalized in May. Moving on after 20 years has been so hard to do. I miss my person, my best friend. I am so angry our life was not enough for him. I had to lose stability, my life as I knew it, and 1/2 of my finances so that he could sleep with young women. It will never be fair.

He still claims to love me.

I have moved on. I have lived one year alone for the first time in my life. I traveled alone and started dating. I am extremely independent and self-efficient, however, I do not feel joy as much anymore (if at all).

My ex-husband left for Habitat for Humanity last week to a third world country. For a man who would never volunteer, donate, or travel this just sent me over the edge. I am so angry that he gets to move on and suddenly he is a good person? This action is so out of character.

I know I should not care, but I do. I want justice, I want a break, I want to know what to do next with my life.

Thanks and good luck to all this holiday season.


BearlyBreathing posted 12/9/2019 21:08 PM

(((Hugs)))

CatsNTats posted 12/9/2019 21:28 PM

Cenny,

I have lived one year alone for the first time in my life. I traveled alone and started dating. I am extremely independent and self-efficient, however, I do not feel joy as much anymore (if at all).

Oh man. Does this hit home. I know that joyless feeling. I'm there too. I'm hoping that this Wellbutrin I started this past week starts to help with the depression.

Have you spoken to your doctor or someone you've established care with about that feeling? I hated Lexapro - because it fucked with my sex drive (it works on the Serotonin level), but Wellbutrin is supposed to work on the Dopamine side of things minus the nasty side effects of SSIs like Serotonin. I don't know. I've only been on it 4 days and it sounds like you don't actually feel the effects of it until a few weeks in after it has built up in your system.

Also are you in therapy?

I want to know what to do next with my life.

What do you do now? And what do you want to do?

I just fought to make it through the toughest 1st semester of nursing school in my life after WH death in October.

I didn't think I'd make it - but I did. Because I was not going to let him take this from me. This is what I wanted to do. And my lab partner told me tonight - "Not only can you do this, it is a sign you are supposed to be doing this." with a nurse emoji following it.

What do you want to do next? Do something that makes you happy. Or that will pay off in your future. Find something you enjoy and don't let him take that from you. You've got this.

Chrysalis123 posted 12/10/2019 04:55 AM

My ex-husband left for Habitat for Humanity last week to a third world country. For a man who would never volunteer, donate, or travel this just sent me over the edge. I am so angry that he gets to move on and suddenly he is a good person? This action is so out of character.

Heís not suddenly a new person. This is a show.

Can someone change their character with zero effort?
Thatís proof his trip is for show. And is a typical ploy of people like him.

Try to NC him right out of your mind. NC= no more hurts. The less you know about his life the better for your well being.

It takes lots of time to find your center after something as devastating as this. Itís a life rewrite and it is hard

It look at you and all you have accomplished. Bravo!!!

ThisIsSoLonely posted 12/10/2019 11:31 AM

For a man who would never volunteer, donate, or travel this just sent me over the edge. I am so angry that he gets to move on and suddenly he is a good person? This action is so out of character.

Try to put a different spin on it - lose the focus on him and focus on the recipients of his actions - if he manages to help someone out there that otherwise would not have gotten help - be happy for them. Be happy that even if this is his attempt at making himself "look good" that someone will BENEFIT from his self-serving behavior. Maybe he is really trying to make changes - only he knows this - but who cares really? Who cares if he "looks good" in someone's eyes - certainly not you!

skeetermooch posted 12/19/2019 14:42 PM

Cenny,
This sounds so hard. I'm imagining this will be in my future as well. Argh.

Newly single middle-aged middle-aged men try to reinvent themselves to attract women but it's doubtful a ten year cheater is going to change because of one volunteer adventure. He can put it on his tinder profile, get a few dates or maybe a new gf out of it and then cheat on her. At least he nailed a few planks for someone in a developing nation, I guess. Ick. Any woman worth her salt will see right through his I'm suddenly a do-gooder bs.

He's just dressing himself up in sheep's clothing to lure in another victim.

The positive I take from his idiotic image control is the idea that maybe we should find our own adventures. Otherwise we are leading the same lives absent our constant companion, and that gets a little lonely.

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