SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

demolishedinside posted 12/11/2019 21:14 PM

Guys, I seriously am detaching and trying hard to not talk to him (WH) much at all. Because I don’t, he jabs and says comments like, “That’s right. You don’t care. “. It’s all the time. Annoying. But I honestly have not fought with him. My son, 13, keeps making comments about how all I do is yell at his dad. I think it’s to upset me? I can’t figure out his point. Tonight, as he was getting consequences for a rule he didn’t follow, he said, “That’s all you do anymore. You yell. You always yell at dad.” So when I told him that wasn’t true, he told me it was my TONE. Sigh. I am sure he’s angry for getting consequences but I’m surely tired of having his dad thrown in my face. Do I seriously have years of this or will it get better when his dad moves out? How can I respond to his comments/accusations?

I admit that I’m so hurt. I know he has no idea what all I’ve been through and shouldn’t but he knows enough.

[This message edited by demolishedinside at 9:21 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

LLXC posted 12/11/2019 21:19 PM

It could be that he is upset he gets consequences. Or maybe he senses your feelings about his dad, and he might not be able to articulate how complicated it is.

3greatkids posted 12/11/2019 21:21 PM

I’m sorry.

It’s likely your son feels you are the “safe” parent to lash out at while he’s trying to process everything and so many intense feelings etc. plus 13 is a very tough age on its own.

It’s so very hard, and so sad for the children impacted by infidelity. It’s heartbreaking.

[This message edited by 3greatkids at 9:22 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Overcomer1 posted 12/12/2019 07:52 AM

IHS is hell. When you can finally be really separated, I think it will get better. As my WH is a narc, he was able to really manipulate my kids and turn some of them against me (like they felt more sorry for him than they did for me and the way I was being treated). He continued to verbally and emotionally abuse me and because that’s how our family was, they saw nothing wrong with it. But my anger with him was different and somehow wrong in their site. They just don’t have the ability to understand. So, you have to look at your son in this light. He’s already having all sorts of biological issues going on with his body, his brain is changing, and now he’s trying to cope with a mess of feelings related to the breakdown of his family. He’s grasping for something he can control. He may act out more, as a result. Be patient.

Be honest with your son about what you’re going through. Maybe even have a conversation (if he will talk) about what he’s going through. Keep contact to a minimum with your WH. Avoid him when he’s home, as much as you can, or get out of the house if you can. That was impossible for me, but for some they’re able to do that. Show your son that you care about him. You’ll listen to him. Keep being the stable parent. Because you’re the “safe” parent, you’ll take more heat than your unstable WH. It’s so hard, but keep on loving them and following through with consequences.

For me, it has been the hardest thing to gain respect again. Being in an abusive family and children watching their father leave their mom and treat her like crap, doesn’t help kids think highly of their mom. Being an emotional wreck at times myself, doesn’t help either. It will take time and lots of patience and love. Things will eventually get better.

Cheatee posted 12/12/2019 07:53 AM

The parent who is seen as the "safe" one typically receives the brunt of the children's anger. It is difficult to see it in the heat of the moment, but it's actually a complement to your parenting style if you get the brunt due to being the safe parent.

skeetermooch posted 12/12/2019 09:58 AM

Your boy knows you're the one parent who is most likely to care what he thinks and would try to change the tense mood in the household. So, you will get the brunt of it as long as you are under one roof.
Kids mainly can't stand fighting and tension. They can't tune it out. They will say anything to whoever is safe enough to say it too to put an end to it.

Once you aren't living together, I'll bet you son feels a lot better - and you too.

barcher144 posted 12/12/2019 10:54 AM

Assuming that you are not yelling at your son and you are not yelling at WH, then WH is saying stuff to your kid.

This is a common tactic in parental alienation. Basically, the alienating parent makes the kid choose between the parent and the targeted parent loses.

These comments from your son do not seem consistent with comments that a kid would normally make.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 1:39 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 12/12/2019 13:45 PM

(((demolishedinside)))

I can identify with this. Since I have caught onto STBX's tactics I try not to engage any of it.

I am also the safe parent. The one the kids unload on and sometimes will disrespect but I nip it in the bud right away.

I don't know what STBX tells them. I know he does tell others that the medications I am on have me all fucked up. I'm sure my psychiatrist would love to hear his diagnosis of me lol.

Now I just look like the bad guy because I have decided to separate. He tells the kids that he can't live in the house we are in (it's his moms and I'm moving back into our house) because he cannot afford it. Anything to play 'poor me.'

I try to just be there for the kids. I'm not Disneyland mom by any means, but I try to bond with them through being a good parent. I listen to them and play with them. Live in the moment with them.

I really hope this gets easier after separating. The IHS stuff is hell on earth.

DevastatedDee posted 12/12/2019 14:00 PM

Thinking about it some...your WH is a "victim" like so many are. Victims are very good at getting people to feel sorry for them even when they're being complete assholes. These people fool grown adults on the regular. So, it's not surprising that a kid with very little life experience is taken in by his dad's aura of victimhood. He feels sorry for him even when there's no reason to. Your son intrinsically knows that you are the only adult in the house, so he is going to vent his displeasure to you. What would be the point in venting to his dad anyway? You don't expect a poor victim to fix anything.