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Someone help me understand

Barelymakingit posted 12/13/2019 18:30 PM

I happened upon this website and forum through google. Iíve been trying to find someone out there that has been through the same thing and/or get advice from others without disclosing who I am. Iíve finally got the nerve to post something so here goes- be patient with me itís a long story. My husband and I met when we were 19 and 24. It was a long distance relationship that did not work out. Partly because of my age and partly because of distance. We ended up reconnecting later in life after we were both divorced when he was 42 and I was 37. Amazing chemistry just like it was when we were young. Both of us had been through a tough marriage with affairs and all kinds of horror. When we found each other again we knew it was meant to be. We both admitted to thinking over the years what might have been if we would have stayed together. No longer would we go through hurt and life would be grand. Boy was I wrong. His adopted children from a previous marriage were grown and I had a 7 year old son that I had from in vitro from my previous marriage. I was told I would never have any more without medical intervention. 2 years into the relationship I got pregnant. We had planned to get married but this speeded up the process. I felt like this was a God thing, amazing because I was told I would not be able to have anymore. He had never been able to have any thus he adopted previously. He was so excited to have a biological child he was on cloud 9. We were strong. Everything was there, the chemistry and love. I finally got my chance to be really happy with the love of my life. Fast forward to April of 2018. We have a one and a half year old and he starts having issues keeping an erection. It was kind of shocking as our sex had always been amazing. He decides to go to the doctor and finds out he has very low testosterone. His blood pressure is awful so viagra is out. The doc urges him to see a endocrinologist and his friends from work said go to the low t clinic. He starts testosterone shots and everything starts working again. Life is grand for 3 months. He then starts being completely disconnected and depressed. He loses 45 pounds and looks like he has lost his best friend. I knew something was major wrong and he just kept telling me it was stress from having to provide. We did have a lot of financial stress going on at the time so I just went with it and tried to be supportive. Fast forward to February 2019. He sits me down and says I have to tell you something.... his exact words were, I havenít had sex with anyone at al but I have something on my penis that is worrisome. So he showed me and it looked like a wart to me. I had never had warts and never had HPV or any STD ever. I told him It was impossible because we had all the STD tests when we had our daughter. I felt very uneasy because of his behavior over the last months and I asked him if he had any physical contact with anyone since we were married. He gazed off into the abyss and uttered yes. My whole world turned upside down. I literally had the breath knocked out of me. How? Why? When? He answered with he went to a massage parlor and she gave him a hand job. I went ballistic. I have never hurt so much in my life. I told him I needed space so I went over to my sisterís house. Mainly because I couldnít explain to my kids what was wrong with me. I talked with my sister about it and she told me that you canít get anything from a hand job. Sheís a doctor so she knows. She said it was likely sex or oral sex. After many lies and half truths from him I finally got ďthe truthĒ it was a blow job. He said early summer he got a flyer on his car from a massage parlor. He knew it looked shady but was curious as to what would happen if he went. He Said he went and it was just like any other massage until she told him to turn over. She then got naked and started arousing him and asked what he wanted. He told he said I donít want intercourse and she apparently started giving a blow job without asking anything else. He did admit to touching her down there as well. he said a few minutes in he was convicted, remorseful and told her to stop and thank you for the services. She got dressed left the room and he ďfinishedĒ He says he is very remorseful, sad, ashamed, and has done everything in his power to show me it was a one time mistake. He did contract genital warts from this act. It was confirmed from the doctor. He had to have them burned off and all kinds of mess. I have never had any evidence of warts but Iím sure they will appear. The doctor vaccinated me though. There is just a lot Iíve had to go through. He went to counseling and they told him he compartmentalizes in his mind. Heís able to separate sex from love and all the other stuff they tell you. Heís truly sorry and we have been trying to work through everything. He lost weight, is severely depressed from his actions, but there is one question he canít answer and that is why. We had a great sex life and he says he loves me completely. Iím barely hanging on here. I get sick when I think of my husband doing thus shameful, scummy, act. We have been trying to reconcile for the family but I feel like I just found out. I canít get over this. Itís so gross to me. Can anyone help me with a why if you are happy and in love? Iíve read all the books and had counseling but feel I am getting nowhere.

HellFire posted 12/13/2019 19:25 PM

Why he did this, is up to him to figure out. That's part of the hard work he needs to do.

I'm sorry he did this.

I'm not one to sugarcoat. I tend to be blunt. I figure a betrayed spouse has been lied to enough, that they deserve to hear the truth. And you do not have the truth.

He is lying to you. All cheaters lie and minimize. But for you to assume that he has told you the truth, right off the bat, is a mistake.

Women at those kinds of massage parlors, do not just get naked for no reason. And they certainly don't give blow jobs unless there is some kind of agreement ahead of time. She was told by your husband he wanted a blow job. They are not there to give away their services for free. She did not leave the room, and then he finished. He finished with her in the room. The chances of that being the only time he was there? Slim to none.

You need to have him take a polygraph. It sounds extreme, but you cannot even begin to start the reconciliation process, until you have the truth. And you don't have it. I'm sorry.

BigMammaJamma posted 12/13/2019 19:25 PM

I am so sorry you have a reason to seek out this forum. I am glad you found us.

DO you think he would have told you if he didn't have genital warts?

Barelymakingit posted 12/13/2019 19:37 PM

Hellfire here is what I know. He is a liar. I fear there is so much more I do not know. I need to know the truth. How in the heck do I get a polygraph?

Barelymakingit posted 12/13/2019 19:40 PM

Bigmammajamma he would have never told me had he not contracted anything. I know that. Thank you for your support. I am sorry it happened to you. It hurts so much.

HellFire posted 12/13/2019 20:02 PM

Do an internet search on polygraph administrators in your area. Find a reputable one. And schedule the test. Then tell him he is taking the test. Do not let his response, when you tell him he is taking a polygraph, sway you into thinking that he is being honest. Most waywards will agree to take the test. Because if they say no, then it's obvious they're lying. Be prepared for what we call a parking lot confession. It's when they wait until right before the test, and then they drop a big bomb on you, and hope that you think that you have the entire truth, and you won't follow through with the test. Always follow through with the test.

ibonnie posted 12/13/2019 20:07 PM

Both of us had been through a tough marriage with affairs and all kinds of horror.†

Who cheated in your previous marriages?

BigMammaJamma posted 12/13/2019 20:43 PM

It hurts and its disorienting.

There is the reality that you know and you have been living and then now, everything that you know and lived is a lie. I am so sorry and I know so well how you feel right now.

He is a liar. He is going to minimize and try to convince you that his role in all of this was passive, it just happened to him. This is complete bullshit. He was an active participant. He could have back out at any time.

He is not safe, love. It is not your job to fix this. You are not the reason it is broken.

heartbroken_kk posted 12/14/2019 00:08 AM

So, now that you know that he is a liar and a cheater, you need to realize (and this is hard) that EVERYTHING he's ever told you about himself could be a lie.

As in, if he told you his wife cheated on him and that's why they divorced, it could be that actually he cheated on her.

My guess is that his cheating behavior goes back to just after the birth of your child, or maybe even before.

Men often have trouble with erections because of the guilt they carry from their affair. They think about their extracurricular sex while having sex with you and then lose their erection.

Whatever he told you about the wart on his penis was also likely to be a very practiced story that may have zero correlation with his actual behavior.

None of what he's told you is believable.

He may or may not be sorry. Maybe his lover dumped him and he's heartbroken over that, and that's why he's lost all the weight. It could be anything.

Stay in therapy. Make sure you set yourself up with support from a trusted psychologist.

Don't waste your time with marriage counseling.

He could also go get himself into therapy. But don't you do that for him. Read up on the 180 and why you shouldn't try to fix his problems for him.

BigMammaJamma posted 12/17/2019 14:07 PM

Hi There-

Just checking in. How are you?

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