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I'm having a hard night

skeetermooch posted 12/15/2019 04:30 AM

So, a friend let me know my STBX went out of town for the weekend, I'm sure hooking up with one of the skanks or hookers he's seen there. It's a place he's done much carrying on over the last two years.

Just the day before he'd sent sad little missives about life losing all meaning and in the morning left a xmas wreath outside my door.

I couldn't stop myself from texting him that if he didn't come back I would divorce him - that this was the last straw. After a bunch of bs excuses for why he was there he agreed to come back. 2 minutes later he reneged.

Now I'm up at 3 am with a burning pit in my stomach. He just bought that book on helping your spouse heal from infidelity and has been spouting little catch phrases in his random unsolicited text messages. I guess it re-lit the hopium pipe.

I can't sleep thinking of him spending two nights in a hotel with another woman (or multiple hookers). This is the man I committed to spend my life with two short years ago. This wasn't some shitty relationship - I adored him. We were doing really great things together. And now, I've got his evil twin - a selfish, vindictive asshole, who is pretending to want to R and continuing to betray me for sport.

I've told my friends not to tell me about him but he's dog sitting for her and he informed her at 6am that he was leaving right then for the weekend. She's 2000 miles away and he left her dog alone.

I must make it even more clear to my friends to stop telling me about him. It's too fucking hard. On the other hand, since the hopium was lit, maybe she was doing me a favor reminding me that nothing has changed.

I'm stuck in toxic glue and can't wrest free. Wtf is it going to take to fully grasp that he is pathologically dishonest and walk the fuck away? When am I going to lose the image of the man I married - when am I going to get that the good side is not real and he's never going to wake the fuck up and I'm not safe and I don't deserve this?

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 4:31 AM, December 15th (Sunday)]

3greatkids posted 12/15/2019 04:42 AM

Iím sorry youíre having such a bad time if it. Hopium is indeed a powerful drug. But heís showing you who he is; believe him. Youíve been married only 2 years? You should still be in the honeymoon pretty easy going phase. Life is too short to continue this way, how many years down the road do you want to be dealing with this behavior?

You are worth more than this.

ShatteredSakura posted 12/15/2019 08:35 AM

Just the day before he'd sent sad little missives about life losing all meaning and in the morning left a xmas wreath outside my door.

I couldn't stop myself from texting him that if he didn't come back I would divorce him - that this was the last straw. After a bunch of bs excuses for why he was there he agreed to come back. 2 minutes later he reneged.

Their inconsistent behavior just makes you want to slap some senses into them doesn't it?


Dog sitting...cat sitting...is your BH cosmically linked to my WW?

Chili posted 12/15/2019 09:27 AM

Wtf is it going to take to fully grasp that he is pathologically dishonest and walk the fuck away?

To use a platitude - you'll get there when you get there. That whole thing about deserving better - even if it means navigating life without him or a man and sticking with family and friends in your life. Even if it means you take some risks and trust that it will all be ok. That all of that is so worth getting away from him and his mess. When that settles into your bones and you say "enough." Whatever he says will no longer matter in your decision. When you can say - "that's nice - hope you do get healthy - maybe we can revisit *us* when you do." But right now, We. Are. Done. And I do not wish to discuss it further.

He will not do it for you. He will not change his behavior unless he wants to. He has to want to do it for himself. Mine never did - I'm hopeful yours might, but gently, it's not looking good.

I mean if I can be obnoxious for a minute, did he take "Helping Your Spouse Heal" with him on his tryst? For a little late night reading? So he could practice some of the advice in there? Give me a break.

I know all about these kind of nights (I was a puker). He abandoned me early on and carried on with her while I literally made myself sick thinking "what in the world is going on with my life."

You have been heard. Continue to detach from him. Let him dig his own grave. Regardless - stay disconnected from his continued bad behavior. It's his to own. Asshole.

skeetermooch posted 12/15/2019 10:53 AM

how many years down the road do you want to be dealing with this behavior?

Zero! I'm still in the fog because I allow some contact. It's scary going completely NC - it's ending it. It's final. I know my feelings will die and his probably will too and there's no going back.

Their inconsistent behavior just makes you want to slap some senses into them doesn't it?

Clawing his eyes out is my go to impulse

you'll get there when you get there. That whole thing about deserving better - even if it means navigating life without him or a man and sticking with family and friends in your life. Even if it means you take some risks and trust that it will all be ok. That all of that is so worth getting away from him and his mess. When that settles into your bones and you say "enough."

You're so right Chili. With my previous cheater, I got to a place where I didn't care if I was living in a cardboard box, alone for all eternity - I just wanted out. I was done. I'm not 100% there yet.

I'm the hugest second-guesser and I can really torment myself that way. My preference is to make a decisive move when I know I won't ever second guess it. I'm not there.

It's like I'm doing this to myself when I endure harm after harm and go back in for more. It's as if I don't have my own back. When did abandoning myself become acceptable? And, for what - a cheating loser??

Charity411 posted 12/15/2019 11:16 AM

Skeeter, I hope you are doing better this morning. As hard as it is, he is showing you who he really is and you need to believe it, for your own sanity. He is extraordinarily cruel. He knows just how you feel and he's taking every opportunity he can to reel you in just close enough to twist the knife again.

I'm curious about your friends. Why do they feel the need to keep telling you about what he's up to. You have a friend who knows what he's put you through, and yet, she chooses him to dog sit. If I had a good friend who some asshole did this to, I'd stay as far away from him as possible. The last thing I'd do is let him into my house while I'm not there.

And you mention the need to make it more clear to your other friends that you don't want to know about him. How do they know about him? Better still, if they are so capable of knowing about him now, where were they while you were making the biggest mistake of your life by marrying him?

Now there's a good chance that they tried and you wanted to hear none of it. I've been there done that. I realized it in hindsight, when the pain cleared away. If that isn't the case, lose these so called friends. They are not your friends.

As long as you engage in any contact with him, he feels in control. This is about control. I suspect it's why he likes hookers. If you're paying the bill, you're calling the shots. He wants to come back on his terms only. He gets autonomy to do whatever he wants, and still has you. That makes you a hooker of the best kind. Free. That's not what you signed up for.

I know you're sick of hearing it, but the only answer is to completely eliminate any means of him having any contact with you whatsoever. If that means changing your number, do it. Cut off any friends who need to tell you about him, because he's using them to get to you. He's going to try every trick in the book to get through to you, not because he loves you, but because he can not stand to lose that control.

I had a long term relationship like yours, just didn't marry him. When I was in the phase of ending it like you are now, I did something that ultimately helped me throught it. I wrote down everything he promised when ever he was trying to suck me back in. I kept a running list. Then when I was sad, and lonely and tempted because he was trying to contact me again, I'd take out that list and check off which things he actually did. Not a single one. It would slap me back to reality, and stop me from having the "what if" conversation in my head all night. I'd end up laughing at myself for ever believing it even for a minute.

You'll get through this, and you will faster if you have absolutely no contact with him. He can't get in your head unless you let him. You will find that as each day passes you will grow to first get angry, then stop wondering and then not care. He's a small blip on your screen of life. And if you are like me, you'll grow to hate him, because you'll finally get rid of the emotions that kept you from seeing the real guy. And you'll wonder how you ever even thought of being with him and be grateful that you didn't lose even more of your life to this terrible person.

skeetermooch posted 12/15/2019 11:49 AM

Charity,
I'm a mess this morning as bad as last night - wtf do you do when your body is trembling and your heart aches and you can't stop crying?

He's consistently insisted I'm not as sad or hurt by this as I profess to be. He's convinced I'm just faking it to have some advantage over him. He plays dumb when he breaks a promise - tries to find some technicality that erases the promise.

He sent me an email this morning basically saying he's done and wants to be alone - after I told him we're getting divorced - he can't resist one last rejection - I'm so messed up right now. I have a meeting today for a volunteer thing - I just want to take a Xanax and sleep and pretend this isn't happening.

Sometimes I think oh, it's all some big misunderstanding and he didn't do all the things I suspect he did - though there are plenty he did do - in black and white and he's admitted to. I feel like since DDAY all of the fights have been about my suspicions - paranoia bc my trust is so broken. I don't actually know if he's done a thing.

Well, he's at least triangulated - created situations to tweak my jealousy and then denied them and told me I'm wrong.

WTF - I had a man I adored and thought adored me and had my back and a few months ago he was sucked off the face of the earth. I just can't believe how painful this all is.

skeetermooch posted 12/15/2019 11:56 AM

The friend with the dog - actually I set that up because she needed a sub-letter/dog sitter and it was a way to get my husband out my house and into something he can afford - since by that point all his money had been blown on hookers, etc.

She was doing me a huge favor. She called me because she was livid about him leaving the dog with no notice and wanted me to know what he was up to bc she very much doesn't want me giving him any second chances.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 11:57 AM, December 15th (Sunday)]

rebplay posted 12/15/2019 13:24 PM

Skeeter- go to the volunteer thing. Staying home alone when youíre going to explode seems like the thing to do, but getting out and staying busy is better. Iím so sorry youíre going through this. It sucks and thereís no easy fix for the horrible emotions we go through.

Charity411 posted 12/15/2019 13:36 PM

I'm glad to hear that about your friend. Hopefully she'll get him out of her house now that she sees firsthand how cruel he is. I totally understand about the crushing pain. Rejection hurts like hell just once. I understand what it's like to have them do it over and over and over again.

Stop opening his emails. Send them to spam. Look at it like giving your brain a rest. He's shown you over and over that he isn't going to send you something you want to hear. And if he does, he's going to pull the rug back out from under you in the next one, because it makes him feel good to know he can.

You've been through a rough night, so if I were you, I'd give myself a break and stay home tonight. But only do that if you are going to resolve to turn your phone and computer off. If you are going to rest, don't let anything screw it up. I remember when I was where you are, I actually went to a hotel for two nights and didn't talk to a living soul. I was in the tourism industry and a colleague who was the general manager of this high end hotel comped me a room for two nights because he could see I was at a breaking point. It was amazing how much good checking out for two days did for me.

You are in my prayers. Mind you not you and him, just you. Every once in a while I see someone on these boards that reminds me of myself and I can't help but want to hug you and tell you it will be ok. Maybe not in ways you thought it would be, but it will, and it will probably be more than ok. Someday you are going to laugh and say to yourself "what the hell was I thinking?"

skeetermooch posted 12/15/2019 14:20 PM

Stop opening his emails. Send them to spam. Look at it like giving your brain a rest.

That's good advice. I need to put the breaks on for a minute, maybe resolve to only check every Wednesday or some limited schedule. We do have to meet to do some paperwork so I need a little checking. The sooner he signs some stuff the sooner we get divorced.

Staying home alone when youíre going to explode seems like the thing to do, but getting out and staying busy is better.

That makes sense to me. At least in this case I'll be amongst close friends so if I cry it won't be embarrassing.

amazing how much good checking out for two days did for me.

I'm just afraid without some distractions like housework, my son, the pets, I'll be even more susceptible to looking at emails, etc. I don't really know what to do with myself. It's all so hard.

Sometimes when I'm know I have to go to a meeting or some other obligation it's absolute torture, but once there it provides brief interludes where I actually stop thinking about him and my marriage. I have a huge fear of losing it in front of strangers or running into him somewhere.

Someday you are going to laugh and say to yourself "what the hell was I thinking?"

I have no doubt you are right about that, which makes it even more frustrating that I'm struggling to let go.

This flashes of thinking that maybe he's right - maybe I am over-reacting, maybe I'm being too mean and unforgiving, maybe I'm paranoid since he cheated and I suspect him even when he's innocent. I worry he will harm himself and I will realize it's my fault - I was too hard on him, etc.

DevastatedDee posted 12/16/2019 11:31 AM

Zero! I'm still in the fog because I allow some contact. It's scary going completely NC - it's ending it. It's final. I know my feelings will die and his probably will too and there's no going back.


You're right. Your feelings will die. This will be a tremendous gift and a cherished thing. Know what I think about most days? Me, my kids, my dogs, what I need to do, what I want to do, work, etc. Know what I rarely think about? Him. I actually never wonder what he's doing because I don't care anymore. It's not my problem.

You WANT to get to this place, trust me. What's holding you back is totally normal human stuff like grief. I get it. It feels like a death and it kind of is. There is "what we thought it was" and "what it actually is" to accept and move on from. It hurts a lot. That will pass, thank goodness.

I won't begin to speculate on what his feelings actually consist of. Pretty sure they're worthless to your well-being.

crazyblindsided posted 12/16/2019 12:03 PM

I did something that ultimately helped me throught it. I wrote down everything he promised when ever he was trying to suck me back in. I kept a running list. Then when I was sad, and lonely and tempted because he was trying to contact me again, I'd take out that list and check off which things he actually did. Not a single one. It would slap me back to reality, and stop me from having the "what if" conversation in my head all night. I'd end up laughing at myself for ever believing it even for a minute.

This is really good advice. Something I am going to start doing.

(((skeetermooch))) I am so sorry your WS keeps toying with you. I would almost look at the friend's message to you as a slight blessing... that he is not changing anytime soon.

I too struggle with second guessing right now. Honestly it sounds like you are untangling the 'trauma bond' you have with him. I have a lot to unpack with my STBX too.

My STBX is doing EVERYTHING he can to look like a 'Good Guy' and a 'Martyr' pulling the whole... 'look at what I'm doing for you and what you are putting me through' crap. I feel like I a saving myself from him and now he is the martyr! Crazy crazy making.

I'm as NC as I can be while IHS and I feel like I'm being tortured on a daily basis due to him acting nice and me struggling with cognitive dissonance and second guessing.

I wouldn't wish this dynamic on anyone. I know it is going to take me YEARS to recover from this process too. Like I didn't waste enough already from all the cheating and limbo over the years.

My fairytale ended as a nightmare.

Hang in there this is really hard.

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 21:55 PM

'look at what I'm doing for you and what you are putting me through' crap.

Yes - mine too. Before I went NC he repeatedly said things like, "You threw me out on the street for no reason." The amnesia was worrisome

I tried an IHS situation - him living in the guest room but we were fighting constantly - it was very hard to not talk, to not be provoked or manipulated. I didn't trust him one damn bit and he was doing very little to help me trust him. And yes, the cognitive dissonance was intense and it made it so hard to get clarity when Mr. I-should-have-an-Oscar-for-best-liar was spinning his tall tales.

It's taken all of the past 8 weeks for the fog to clear some. The less we talk the clearer it all is. My anger is starting to give way to acceptance combined with grief. Anger was a little easier to be honest, but this is progress. Ok, I need to eat those words because he just totally pissed me off

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 10:31 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

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