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"Checking behaviors"

StillFighting4us posted 12/15/2019 22:45 PM

Going through a separation and can't stop what my therapist is calling "checking behaviors". I am obsessively checking the phone bill, her Facebook, the bank account, etc to get a picture of what she might be up to while we are apart. I'm generally no contact with her for the last week or so, but we have a daughter so some logistics are necessary. Short of just stop, I don't know how to let go. All I get from doing this is more anxiety and creating scenarios in my head.

[This message edited by StillFighting4us at 12:04 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

UneedToSmile posted 12/15/2019 23:01 PM

Stillfighting, I finally had to ask my WH to change his passwords so I couldnt check. All I got out of checking was the anxiety, like you said. And If I did find something questionable, hed poo-poo it anyway. He changed his passwords. Im done checking. The fact that I feel like I have to check is why Im separated. As trivial as it sounds, I find other things to do when I want to check and remind myself of all the things hes lied about. That usually makes me decide hes not worth that effort. Praying that you get some relief soon too!

DashboardMadonna posted 12/15/2019 23:02 PM

Hey still,

It's perfectly normal. My WH loves prostitutes and massage parlors, I completely relate to the obsessive investigating. It sucks major ass. It's a sad reality of distrust. Her being remorseful is what will help you heal. My husband is no where near remorseful, so the obsessing and PTSD has gone over 2 years.

I finally stopped checking and filed for divorce....I am just tired of playing his mother... and that's what this does, it throws you into a parental role. My son is 24 and I am just tired and defeated.

TrustedHer posted 12/16/2019 07:54 AM

It's normal.

You eventually need to stop it, though. I had to wean myself off. Stopped the GPS tracking, then stopped checking the phone bill, then removed my email tracking.

One step at a time.

Eventually, you'll learn that none of it matters, once you've decided to divorce.

squid posted 12/16/2019 08:12 AM

180, 180, 180!!

She has checked out of your marriage. And for all intents and purposes, has destroyed it by chatting with other men right in front of you.

She has shown you that she has no intention of wanting to save your marriage. And don't mistake her "confusion" for anything else than wanting to test-drive another man while you stay at home and babysit. You are Plan B. Don't settle for that!

I'm being blunt here, but you need to get your balls back. Value yourself. You are the prize. You can't "save" her. She has to do that for herself. And even then it's no guarantee that she'll pick you. So work on yourself and take care of you.

What you are doing is pain shopping. At the very least, you are playing Infidelity Police and all it does is re-traumatize you.

When you get the urge to this, focus on something you can do for yourself. Run, lift weights, under-water basket weaving...whatever.

These checking behaviors show that you are still focused on saving the marriage. Which is dead. You're addicted to "hopium". You need to accept in your mind that she is not the person you fell in love with. She probably never was. And she has moved on.

Look, I get it. I really do. My XWW checked out of my marriage a few years before I found out she was cheating. I lived on hopium for a while, doing the Pick Me dance. I wasted years eating up any crumbs she would toss my way, thinking that all marriages go through phases like this.

She wants to day other men? Fine. She can do so, but not as your wife.

I highly recommend on pushing hard for the divorce. Lawyer up and file. Today. Don't wait until after the holidays because you think it'll be much easier. Don't delay the inevitable. Remember, if she somehow pulls her head out of her ass and decides she wants to try and do the work (highly unlikely) then you can call off the D process. But don't accept another second of how she is disrespecting you.

There's a thread here in the "I Can Relate" forum about codependency. You should give it a read. Good luck.

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