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Busy af but devastated

hopefullife posted 12/16/2019 13:25 PM

I've been really busy these days, working for almost 20hrs a day everyday. I am happily stressed at work since it's one huge accomplishment, but struggling more than usual personally. Being busy should help me not think about him, but I do. In fact, I'm thinking about him more than I should.

I guess it's because he used to call, comfort, and pick me up at work at times like these. Now there's no one checking on me, no one picking me up, no one comforting me. I cry a lot these days. I'm broken beyond I can imagine and I'm worried I will never be fixed. Damn I miss him. How could I still love someone who treated me harshly? Here I am working my ass off to be okay while he's happily living the life with his new family.

We've gone separate ways and I wonder when and if I will ever recover. I'm not suicidal but if I get hit by a bus tomorrow I'd be thankful. Oh God stop this pain please.

crazyblindsided posted 12/16/2019 13:53 PM

(((hopefullife))) I am right there with you. I am very sad and am struggling with thoughts of death seeming more peaceful it is awful to think this way at this time of year. I look at my 2 kids and tell myself I am doing this (separating from WS) so that I will be healthy for them and for me!

I am NC with STBX and have no one comforting me either. Even when I do receive comforting words from friends and family I still feel like I am drowning. What is strange is that I miss having a family but I don't miss STBX. I miss some fantasy of him I've concocted in my head. The same fantasy H I thought I married. I don't know where he is or if he really did exist.

I don't feel like I will ever be the same again. So far it hasn't and I just keep waking up to a new day and start all over again. Some days are better than others but not in any way that I can say I am truly happy and at peace.

In the meantime I try to stay busy as well with work, kids, and all the trimmings of daily life.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:55 PM, December 16th (Monday)]

woodlandlost posted 12/16/2019 15:07 PM

Hopefullife:

Right there with you. What a brutal situation to have to be dealing with it. You have made it this far...you know and I know it will get worse before it gets better...there is nothing I can say to make anything better...it is just something to ride out. You know this too. You will learn, you will grow, you will move forward and you will tumble into the depths. I and a lot of other beautiful people are right there with you. Stay connected and I hope today gets a little better for you.

Nowandthen posted 12/16/2019 16:30 PM

This time of year is difficult. The adverts featuring happy families, the fake jolliness, the photos of past Xmases that you canít bear to look at... you really feel the weight of all we have lost.

Iíve bought myself a special present this year (a new camera), spending the money I would have spent on him on something for myself.

Itís tough, but we will survive. And when Iím feeling really angry with by POSWH, I remind myself that the best revenge is to be strong, resilient, and positive, and Iím determined to build myself a better, happier life.

UneedToSmile posted 12/16/2019 22:18 PM

Hopeful....my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. And I know how horrible you feel. People say itís like a death in the family, but I think itís worse. I lost my brother and sister 5 months apart and I miss them like crazy. The difference is that I know they loved me and for WH, I canít say the same. They become SO cold and just shut off their concern for you. Then, you still have to see them and/or know theyíre out there without you, just not caring. The pain is excruciating and I wish you could have a break from it. Please donít overwork yourself though....youíll become more sick and weak. Take care of yourself!!

skeetermooch posted 12/16/2019 22:36 PM

((((Hopeful))))

That part sucks - the person who provided a touchstone and comfort is vacuumed off the face of the earth. It's unnatural and traumatic. You are working so many hours - I'm sure you're sleep deprived which never helps anything.

It will get better for all of us.

hopefullife posted 12/18/2019 08:36 AM

Thank you all. Maybe I'm just too tired and it aggravates all the feeling of not having him with me. You all remember the feeling... you're so tired but there is comfort at home when you see your husband and he hugs you. Now all I see is an empty bed.


UneedToSmile, I get you. The people who died left loving us, but the husbands we thought we had lives and hurts us to the core. It's crushing

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