SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

Newbeginnings24 posted 12/16/2019 16:53 PM

Hi everyone,

So I found out this week that WH has dumped the OW. He let her down ‘gently’ apparently. Shame I wasn’t given this privilege!

They have separated/thrown their toys out of their prams 3 times in 5 months.

Can I ask if others have experienced this and what they thought?

I almost find it harder when he isn’t with her. Because when he is I can blame their dysfunctional relationship for him not wanting this marriage but if he’s single I find this difficult.

I look forward to the day that I am not directly affected by his shit. His life is so chaotic now and still completely out of character.

One bonus is I have applied for D online. I felt great once this was completed. Another tasks ticked off my list.

NB x

UneedToSmile posted 12/16/2019 22:05 PM

I’m going to ask a forbidden question....but do you think it’s because if he’s not with her, you feel like he might want R? Do you still hope a little bit? Sorry if I’m way out in left field, I’m just wondering if what you’re experiencing will be what I experience.

Newbeginnings24 posted 12/17/2019 01:39 AM

That may be the case, but I dont think it is, if I am honest. I am more unaccepting of him wanting to be single over being married, happy and a family. It kind of made sense (no sense at all) that he wanted to be with someone else. But when he tells me he is lonely, misses DD, has a stressful job etc I just think to myself. Why are you doing all this?! There is so much effort that goes into D and separation I’m not quite sure why you would do this just to be single. He does have issues (my opinion and the opinion of our friends) and is in IC but all of it is still strange to me. I have accepted his decision and I am moving on well with DD. Planning ahead for our future. I’ve applied for D and continue to keep focused on my dreams.

He hasn’t once said he regrets his decision. He has said he may regret it in time. Maybe he is unsure what he wants. We were together from a young age and he suggested this caused him to leave because he hadn’t had the opportunity to experience anything else. He is emotionally very immature as it seems and any sort of R would be a complete mistake for me, as I would be sacrificing too much. Why we can’t ask the WS on here advice I do not know? Getting an opinion from someone who has walked in his shoes would help explain things to me more clearly.

NB x

UneedToSmile posted 12/17/2019 05:56 AM

Well, it sounds like you’re pretty clear-headed. I know it seems weird, but what you said gives me hope. I have done the back-sliding thing way too much, but I feel like I get closer to where you are with each slip. It just sucks that they have to be there to muddy the water. I wish I had the backbone to say, “it doesn’t matter what you want!” when WH says he doesn’t know what he wants or won’t agree with me on kids or separating. I hope everything goes smoothly for you and that you’re feeling great soon😊

Newbeginnings24 posted 12/17/2019 07:40 AM

My DDay was the end of June. So I am slightly ahead of you. I have a friend whose DDay was March and she’s that bit further ahead of me. Time is a healer and whenever people said that to me I rolled my eyes. But you have to have backward steps to move forward and realise they aren’t worth it and they don’t deserve us. So many people have said to me post DDay that they were our friends for me and not him.

Don’t get me wrong I have difficult days. Mainly around worrying what others think of me and my actions. But I soon realise that these are the result of what he wanted and therefore I cannot be judged and if I am then those people aren’t worth worrying about because they must be unhinged! I saw his mum this morning who looked absolutely awful and my first thought was aww shall I ring her afterwards. And then I stop myself and think. No she isn’t my responsibility and is that of her husband and children’s who are the ones causing her hurt and misery. My WH’s brother is having an affair and he’s now started putting his children to bed, leaving the house and returning in the morning before they wake up! WTF?!

Thank goodness I’m away from their dysfunctional family, it’s just a shame I had a child with the wrong one!
NB x

little turtle posted 12/17/2019 09:07 AM

My XH had an off and on relationship with his OW. It was easier for me when they were "on" because I could focus on myself and do what I needed to do. When they were "off" he was in contact more and making random comments that didn't really mean anything... like you said, nb, he doesn't know what he wants, he misses the kids, blah blah blah.

It wasn't until I was happy with someone else that XH expressed regret for what happened. And as the kids got older, he realized how much he will miss out on them (and myself too, as we have them pretty much 50/50 now. Initially, he only had them every other weekend).

While they are "off" you can still blame him for not wanting this marriage because he isn't doing any of the required WORK needed to get back together with you. Stay the course and focus on yourself. Easier said than done, but you sound like you're doing great!!!

Newbeginnings24 posted 12/17/2019 10:27 AM

Thanks little turtle.

It’s good to get someone else experience and understanding that it is hard to deal with WH’s when they are off with the OW. When you said about your XH contacting you more when he was off with his OW. This is something that I experience, he also tried to make me feel guilty for not wanting any contact or relationship with him, he also increases his interest in our DD and comes out with stupid comments. Like.....if we were still together you wouldn’t like me being away with work so much like am I now.

And yeah, he isn’t doing anything to R or even show an ounce of sorrow. He’s so far removed from reality right now that he is unable to sort out our D, finances and childcare arrangements. Well I have given him what he wanted and given him a D or Christmas.

He works with the OW so I would imagine they will continue to be on and off until one of them leaves the company and moves on. Which he has suggested but not for this reason. I have no doubt in my mind that he will regret the time he has surrendered with his DD due to the decision he has made.

NB x

hopefullife posted 12/18/2019 08:48 AM

I envy you. I hope I get to that feeling of wanting them together instead of him being single. It seems you're out of the wanting karma field. In my case I still want them to separate because I can't get past the feeling (yet) of the OW living the life. I feel like there is no karma for her.

Just continue focusing on yourself and your kids. I am also looking forward to the day I no longer care about what he does. Praying for us!

nekonamida posted 12/18/2019 08:58 AM

NB, he's not the brightest bulb in the box, is he? He left a stable, good marriage for a high school drama level shit show of monthly break-ups and make-ups.

Some people mistake drama for love and passion. If they aren't fighting to keep the relationship and having their love for the other person tested constantly, they don't feel it or see it. Some people feel empty and unfulfilled if their love life is stable and happy. Some people become addicted to being in a bad relationship because of the roller coaster ride it puts them on. I'm betting your WH is one of those people. I'm sure he misses some of his previous family life with you but I'm also sure he's justified it with whatever bull crap mantra he needs to tell himself to willingly stay in such a ridiculous and immature situation. With or without her, he is a dysfunctional person all on his own and he will probably replace her one day with someone who's not much better.

Newbeginnings24 posted 12/18/2019 13:41 PM

Hopefulife - you will get there. I do have moments where I wonder why he has another woman and what is it she offers. But then I remember that they’re both messed up and that’s what they offer each other. Nothing I can add there when I’m stable and boring. He’s better when he is with her bcoz he stays away from me and doesn’t make much effort with DD. He sees her but just goes along with the flow when it comes to childcare arrangements. When he’s single he wants to see her more and I feel use her to fill his time, not actually enjoy her.

Nekonamida- your post couldn’t of come at a better time! I’ve had a terrible day bcoz he has now gone back on his word of arrangements with DD over Christmas so he’s therefore back with the high school crush! I am absolutely fuming and want to smack him one. He is so pathetic and weak and I cannot believe the shit storm I am in after a nice, stable relationship for 15 years. I can’t be arsed with his constant changes and entitlement. I could scream at the top of my voice right now. He is an absolute idiot and just wish I didn’t have to deal with him. I can’t cope with years of let downs! Bring on D completion and financial settlement.

NB x

hopefullife posted 12/19/2019 00:50 AM

nekonamida, ours was stable and happy. Maybe I did lack the drama the OW gives him all the time. Theirs is a manipulative abusive shit show which I was not able to give. I know they deserve each other, but I can't help but wish somebody else, not this horrible woman who'd do everything to break up a family.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 4:50 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]