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Stages of EA

layla1234 posted 12/21/2019 07:21 AM

I don't know why I still torture myself with this. But I feel no matter the outcome I still need answers. WH passes a poly that says he was never physical with COW, but they pretty much did everything except that. Dates, sexting, naked pics. He has given me timeline after timeline with it saying once he received the pic of her vag, that was it. The pictures stopped. I found out about the affair about 2 weeks after the last picture. To me, that doesn't make sense. In an affair that is only an EA, what's typically next after photos are exchanged. I know some posters have mentioned videos. He swears there were none. Of course, his swearing means nothing. He's a proven liar.

It's true that I had all but decided on divorce. I always said that if there was more information that come out not of his own admission I would leave. He was dumb enough to do that. But now, some things are starting to make sense. I'm getting a better picture of everything and I just want that picture to be complete if that makes sense.

sisoon posted 12/21/2019 08:55 AM

Large parts of life can't be documented - so much goes on in one's head! In a real sense you can't know everything, because you can't know all the thoughts.

In the end, you have to decide for yourself if you have enough. What you describe could be the truth. Your H may be a proven liar, but some of what he says is backed up by the poly.

What's missing for you? What will tell you he's lying? What will tell you he's truthful?

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:39 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/21/2019 08:56 AM

My fch received pics from the MOW, but he didn't send any. Of all things, he was smart enough to not give her that kind of evidence. To my knowledge, there were no videos exchanged.

His A went from supposed friendship to EA to sexting, to a date, to sex in the course of about 2 months.

IHatePickingName posted 12/22/2019 17:38 PM

Ok, this is my experience. That doesnt mean it is at all what happened with him. I have been in situations where photos were shared. Both sending and receiving. I am limiting this to women sending pics because dick pics are a dime a dozen and a different thing. Not all of these were actual EA's, for the record, but none involved anything physical.

I have never sent pictures of my genitalia. My pattern generally started with words, and nice, clothed pictures of me. Later, there may be some teasing pics, with no face, and later still, sexy or naked pics, also no face, but no vulva pics. Sexting usually began sometime after i shared some innocent, fully clothed pic, and long before i sent anything else. I have voice chatted with each person but those were never sexual. I blame it on shyness, which is mostly a lie. Its just a line i have. I video chatted with one person. There was some banter but generally it was about gaming amd not sexual. I never video chatted sexually with anyone except my husband. So if i had sent pictures like your WH received, nothing else would have happened after that. It is the edge of my limits.

Other people i know who have shared pics with me and others, they did not progress beyond the pictures with me, did sext (with others, though i was "in the room" for some of it), and one did sext including voice messages of orgasms recorded. To my knowledge, it never went past there. I know they did nothing in real life.

I asked my husband his experience and he isnt sure if he got any pics of that, but he got caught that time a few weeks after the sexting/pic point, and it included one real life meetup, but nothing physical.

So i think it is *possible* he is being truthful here, especially as you caught him shortly after. I will say that when things suddenly started making sense and coming into focus, it was because i was getting truth from my husband. Before then, it didnt fit and i knew he was lying but when he told the truth, what he said matched my memories and i didnt feel crazy. So i do think that is a possibly good sign. Just dont be too optimistic.

[This message edited by IHatePickingName at 5:41 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

LLXC posted 12/22/2019 23:40 PM

H passes a poly that says he was never physical with COW

Bit all a pply does is measure a change on physiological reaction, on the basis that a.a physiological change means there is a lie. Buuuut if your husband wants something to be the truth or believes ot to be the truth, there wont be a physiological change, and hed pass the poly.

But of he is telling the truth. What does that meam for you?

Walloped posted 12/23/2019 05:34 AM

Buuuut if your husband wants something to be the truth or believes ot to be the truth, there wont be a physiological change, and hed pass the poly.

Iím not quite sure the George Costanza Method works that way IRL.

layla1234, My wifeís A started as an EA, so dates. But no pics or videos or sexting. Just an emotional connection and then straight to a PA. And thatís the next step. Youíve already covered basically all of it. Dating, sexting, pics. He says no videos. Letís say heís lying. Okay. Add that in there. Next step? Theyíd have sex. But poly says they didnít, which is possible. Itís all very infantile and not the least a little bit pathetic, right? Do you believe it never got physical? Thatís just usually where itís headed unless there are certain imaginary lines that people wonít cross for various reasons. What do you think?

layla1234 posted 12/23/2019 09:17 AM

I don't know what to think anymore. In the few times I was in her presence, she was definitely very uncomfortable around me and seems like a generally shy person (of course I don't really know her). It's very possible the shame of what they were doing kept them from crossing that line in person as he says. He says the sexting, compliments, ego kibbles was all online.

I think I might try another poly given it appears I finally have a truthful timeline. I'm just not sure it will give me much closure for the reasons stated above. If he's lying to himself about their relationship, it's quite possible he would pass. I also want to make sure there has been no contact since he left his job.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/23/2019 09:54 AM

If he's lying to himself about their relationship, it's quite possible he would pass.


I'm no expert, so take this fwiw. I don't know that it would work that way for actions. Thoughts or feelings, maybe. It's not that difficult to fool yourself into believing you didn't really feel that way or think you lived the OP. However, I think it would be pretty difficult to convince yourself that you didn't do something, especially when it comes to having sex. You could get into an issue of how everyone is defining sex. You fix that problem by defining it before the poly, or asking more specific questions, which I think you did.

Instead of, Did you have sex with the OW?, Did you kiss the OW?

Did you have any kind of physical, sexual contact with the OW?

Did you have oral sex with the OW?

Did you have sexual intercourse with the OW?

Have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than your W since you've been married?

KingRat posted 12/23/2019 10:01 AM

I think I might try another poly given it appears I finally have a truthful timeline. I'm just not sure it will give me much closure for the reasons stated above. If he's lying to himself about their relationship, it's quite possible he would pass. I also want to make sure there has been no contact since he left his job.

I'd only do it if you have confidence in the test. Otherwise, it will just exacerbate the situation. Like a pilot that has to trust his/her instruments when flying blind, you have to have confidence in the test or there really is no point in taking it.

I honestly think you have to come to terms with the fact that this may be a deal breaker. I think you may be scared of that thought. Sometimes some things cannot be put back together. I know it is scary, but do you have a therapist that can help you explore your feelings?

hikingout posted 12/23/2019 10:10 AM

Itís possible. Lack of physical could be because of opportunity or the lady was getting what she wanted out of the situation and was stringing him along. I would have done that as long as had their not been some pressure about the opportune business trip. It would have taken me a lot longer as it didnít happen on the first trip and almost didnít the second one. There were pics of everything and video chat. I am hesitant to share my opinion on this because the lying and some of the attitudes your husband had displayed when he got here, it itís possible.

layla1234 posted 12/23/2019 10:47 AM

I can see some changes in his behavior. Last week I got a flat tire while trying to get all 3 kids to where they needed to be and then myself to work. It was one of those moments he would have made me feel like it was my fault and just made the entire situation worse. It was also something that I would have used against him in the past for not having a vehicle to accommodate all of us. Instead, he put the spare on for me with minimal anger (we were obviously both stressed out upon finding out my roadside assistance would not be of any help) and the offered the pick both girls up on the way home so I could just take one kid to get a new tire.

Moments like that made me see the person I married, but I'm still very unsure about everything. He's very much a knight in shining armor to anyone who may need it at the time. He needs to be needed.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 10:47 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

LLXC posted 12/23/2019 14:10 PM

Iím not quite sure the George Costanza Method works that way IRL

Eh. We studied polys in grad school. They are unreliable. Granted, cheaters may not be as manipulative as criminals, or suspected criminals, but polygraphs only measure a physiological response.

Anyway. Layla. I thought you had decided on divorce. What has changed?

I don't really understand why you need a poly. You know plenty of what happened. If you know everything right now, do you want to remain married to him? If not, why do you need to know the rest? If yes, and there is more and that would lead to divorce, why not just assume there are things you will never know and then decide from there if you want a relationship. And then, truly,if he is changing, is that enough for you?

You know what though? Based on e everything you know now, if your daughter or best friend were in that situation, what would you tell them? Listen to that advice.

nekonamida posted 12/24/2019 06:23 AM

Moments like that made me see the person I married, but I'm still very unsure about everything. He's very much a knight in shining armor to anyone who may need it at the time.

Layla, this isn't progress. He simply acted in a way that wasn't abusive for once. Blaming you and causing a fight over something like this is abusive. Grumbling and solving the situation is just normal. Really a D+ effort. You're worth more than that.

What else is he doing differently? You said you got a truthful timeline finally. Are there any other lies he's holding onto or is your gut finally quiet?

layla1234 posted 12/24/2019 09:56 AM

The problem is I have no idea if the timeline is truthful. I will say he is ready to take a poly to confirm the timeline is true and before he was fighting me on it because he knew there were details I didn't know. The problem I have is the stuff he has revealed is obviously damaging, but I have no idea why he kept it from me.

He revealed two more one on one dates I didn't know about that he says occured before any sexting or picture sending (so why not tell me about them?). He told me in the beginning all of the pics (2 of his dick, 3 of her private parts) had been taken and sent at home. He revealed to me in the new timeline this was not the case. One of her pics she took from work and sent to him while he was driving home. He then pulled over into a parking lot and took a pic of his dick to send to her while she was still at work. These new details take me either way. In one way, I can see it never getting physical because this was a stupid teenage game of you show me yours, I'll show you mine. On the other hand, I think if he was willing to pull over into a parking lot and risk exposing himself then there definitely could have been a physical affair. I just don't know.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 10:00 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

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