"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

StuckinBetween posted 12/23/2019 17:41 PM

I’m finding I’m having a hard time ‘getting back to normal’. If you know my history you’ll know there have been a few As. I posted recently after a whole debacle with his family, his asthma, and our dog (dog is staying). Essentially he had an attack, declared that the dog would have to go, I said, let’s try X,Y,Z first. His family were brought in and I was characterized as a heartless you know what. At one point he was really angry and yelling and demanded his ring back (one he got to signify a new beginning in our relationship). I happened to come across some inappropriate Instagram messages during this time, which kind of turned that whole thing around. Sort of.

H was sorry, ‘I’m just selfish and immature, it’s not you, it’s just selfishness,’ etc etc. He put things right with his family (claiming my behaviour was because I have been so hurt in the past etc etc and they need to try to understand and support me). He didn’t tell them what I’d found.

Anyway, I am having a really hard time not being irritated and angry at him for the smallest things. I ruminate over them and stew (ie he didn’t empty the dishwasher or feed the kids but worked on a puzzle much if the day - I was out, he said they said they weren’t hungry). You know, those mundane titi for tat types of annoyances. He’s totally sensitive and reactive to my criticism. I’m annoyed, so annoyed at him. Yet I know this is not going to help anything. I don’t actually know what will. He went to one therapy session. It always comes down to me ‘forgiving and focusing on the future.’ I think I’d actually not be so angry if he was falling over himself to make it up to me. Stupid stuff like making me a coffee might be nice. He just sees me as this angry critical person and he is pretty bad at handling any criticism. Even a request is seen as criticism.

Anyway, I’m just wondering if any of you have found yourselves in this stuck place and what you did about it. Maybe if I 180’d hard? I know I shouldn’t let him determine my day to day happiness and in truth most of my happiness, satisfaction, and self worth come from other places like my work, kids, friends, hobbies, etc. All those parts are really good.

J707 posted 12/23/2019 18:32 PM

I happened to come across some inappropriate Instagram messages during this time

What were the messages. From the sounds of it, it was enough to upset you. That's completely uncalled for.

He didn’t tell them what I’d found

So he's avoiding the conflict that he made possible. I know relationships are hard but even those little annoying things on the daily add up. If you bring up anything it is criticized upon. Are you happy with your current marriage? I don't know your whole story but he sounds like he doesn't care. I lived that way with my exw for years. I couldn't bring up anything that would question her "not doings" around the house. It always became an argument or excuse or blameshift onto me. So I ended up doing it all. It seems like you have your joy outside of the marriage. Sorry, I don't have much advise on how to deal with him. And soo glad you didn't abandon your dog!!!

layla1234 posted 12/23/2019 18:38 PM

Exercise and when it's really bad, axe throwing and demo rooms work wonders. You should try it. We went axe throwing a few months ago and I imagined OWs face in the bullseye many times.

Unhinged posted 12/23/2019 18:44 PM

Hey there, StuckinBetween. I have to be honest here. Your H has asthma, recently had an attack, and you're expecting him to try x,y,z rather than part ways with the dog?

Look. I understand. I grew up with two dogs. They're were like brothers. I loved them both. My FWW grew up with a dog, too. We both love dogs. Our DS is allergic to dogs (and cats, horses, trees, flowers... nature in general). She wants to do the same. Drugs. Nope. I can live without a dog and still be happy. So can he. If she can't do the same, well... she has her options.

I don't think this level of passive aggressiveness is a healthy way to handle your anger. That's just my opinion, of course. I'm sure other reasonable people might disagree.

As for suggestion... anger management therapy. Worked for me.

cancuncrushed posted 12/23/2019 19:15 PM

Either exercise or extreme focus. A tough project

Anger for me comes and goes. For a very long time. It depends if your spouse is doing the work. Making you feel safe and remorseful.

It’s impossible to calm down if it continues.

OwningItNow posted 12/23/2019 19:24 PM

I happened to come across some inappropriate Instagram messages during this time, which kind of turned that whole thing around. Sort of.

What happens when you don't find them? He gets away with it. He is not remorseful; no wonder you are angry.

Now what?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:25 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]

fareast posted 12/23/2019 21:00 PM

His therapist is helping him rugsweep and if R fails it’s you can’t get over it and move on. The therapist is actually destroying an6 chance at R with that advice. Has he read the McDonald book, How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. He needs serious IC with someone qualified in infidelity.
You need counseling as well. There are tried and true mechanisms t9 help lessen the effect of your anger. Anger is normal. It’s how you channel it that matters.

StuckinBetween posted 12/24/2019 07:18 AM

Thank you for your replies. His therapist didn’t actually suggest to him that it has to come down to me forgiving and forgetting. I guess that’s where the issue ends up. I talked with him last night about why he hasn’t changed through all these years. He knows how devastating these acts are. He has no answers for me except that he loves me, it was all superficial attention and that when things are hard that’s what he would do.

I play soccer and that is definitely a good place to put my frustration. I hate feeling this way. I’m not naturally this kind of person. Anyway thanks for all of your support. SI is a godsend.

Allie84 posted 12/25/2019 01:18 AM

That’s how my wh was too, it’s because the behaviors never stopped, he just got better at hiding them.

I have no advice for handling anger. I broke a TV and my makeup vanity this week. I was so calm and calculated about it, too. Didn’t help me feel better. It’s been two weeks since I made him leave the house and I’m just more angry.

sisoon posted 12/25/2019 12:18 PM

I was taught anger is just a sign that one wants something to be different about one's life. Within that context, there are 2 types of anger. One you can do something about; one you can't.

If you can't do anything about something, in the end your best bet is to give it up. If you can do something about it, do it - or decide not to and give it up.

The As happened. You can't change that, so give it up.

He hasn't changed. You can, for example, set a boundary - tell him, 'Either you change from cheater to good partner, or I'm gone.'

The best exercise I've ever used to get from the anger to giving it up or doing something is to get a pen/pencil and paper and for 3-5 minutes to write (not type)

I'm angry that _____.

I'm angry about _____.

I've never gotten to even 2 minutes without getting to absurd angers, but YMMV.

BTW, the fact that you can do something about anger doesn't mean you have to.

For example, I used to be angry that my W goes to people I fear are quacks for medical help. That anger doesn't do me any good, and she has a right, in my value system, to choose her medical advisers, so I gave up that anger. I don't like her going to quacks, but I'd dislike myself if I tried to pressure her into stopping.

It's true, of course, that maybe I don't fight this battle is because I'm afraid I'd lose. No matter - I've decided not to fight a battle on this front.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:27 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

devotedman posted 12/25/2019 13:03 PM

You said:

He went to one therapy session. It always comes down to me ‘forgiving and focusing on the future.

He went to _one_ therapy session? And then you're supposed to "forgive and focus on the future"?

Sounds as if he puts forth zero effort in introspection, in figuring out his "why"s, and then you're just supposed to rugsweep his behavior. Remember rugsweeping, and that things swept under the rug fester and grow and come out later all trenchant claws and sharp fangs?

Well, that festering, growing monstrosity has reared up its head and that is the source of your anger. IMHO.

As for the dog, well, dogs are pets and family is human and human is greater than pet for all values of pet and human, so out the pet goes _if_ you decide to stay. Which, personally, I'd not, what with the lack of introspection and rugsweeping demands. With those in place nothing is going to change. dm said from experience.

no answers for me except that he loves me, it was all superficial attention and that when things are hard that’s what he would do

Love is an action. Watch the difference between words and actions. He _says_, "I love you," but he acts "that when things are hard that’s what he would do."

As a thought experiment, imagine you were the WS and he was the BS. Would _he_ accept such drivel from _you_, were he the BS? I doubt it. He'd probably get mad, just like you understandably have.

What's keeping you angry and unreasonable is, again IMHO, that you've put yourself between a rock and a hard place. You are enduring treatment that, from a stranger or first-date guy, would send you running. Yet, for some reason, you're not running. You're living with it. Living with being treated unconscionably leads to frustration and anger.

Personally, I'd tell his precious, unknowing, and interfering "family" exactly how he was acting, how he expected you to sit back and take it like a silent martyr, and then tell them to go do something physically impossible to themselves with their opinions. But, I'm a bit saucy like that these post-infidelity days.

Good luck to you, ma'am.

edited to add: Correct "love is an action" behavior would be for him to concentrate on asking himself "why" to every single reason he comes up with, like this:
Him: Well, when things go hard I want attention from a strange female.
Again, Him: Why
Him: Well, that's just how I am.
Again, Him: Why
Him: I guess I'm just a jerk (that old excuse that does nothing)
Again, Him: Why
Him: I get approval from being desired by / desirable to others.
Again, Him: Better answer. Why is that?
Him: It props up my self-esteem.
Again, Him: Why does it need outside propping up?
...

[This message edited by devotedman at 1:07 PM, December 25th, 2019 (Wednesday)]