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Death of Hopium

SadLibrarian posted 4/27/2020 17:00 PM

Hello friends,

I did something stupid, but I think it was actually a good outcome. Funny how you can be blessed like that sometimes.

So we have been going through the divorce process while WW continues to be in a relationship with the OM who she left for. Several weeks ago I was dumb enough to text her, and we have had small bits of contact over the weeks that follow. Well last friday I had built up enough hope to send her an email that divorce still isn't what I wanted. I have no good reason to want her back, and she certainly hasn't shown remorse or repentance for her horrible behavior, but whether it was the trauma bond, or some other stupid thing, I said it.

Well this morning I get back en email saying that she's sorry if she gave me the wrong idea but that our marriage can't be saved and divorce is the right thing to do. I was wrecked at first, but quickly afterwards I started to feel some peace. Somehow that seemed like the final straw. I can now feel like I gave every effort, I gave her every chance she could have had, and she walked out. Now I can move forward and leave her to the consequences of her own life decisions.

I hate that I still have to be in even minor contact over final financial and practical things to wrap up with the divorce, especially her finally taking our dog, but I can also see starting to move forward to life afterwards. Assuming we are ever out of quarantine

BentandBroken posted 4/27/2020 18:58 PM

Sometimes we need that kick in the ass to keep us moving in the direction we needed to be going. My xWH and I separated on Dday with minimal communication, but it was enough communication for him to hint that he was alone and there might be an "in" for R. I finally got up the courage to ask him if he was still seeing AP (with a firm, "Don't f*#&^% lie to me!")

Turns out he was. "But not very often," he said. Does it get any more wayward than that?! Kinda like being a little bit pregnant.

That ridiculous conversation broke me like a second Dday. But it pushed me to finish up the financial end of things and we are officially done.

It is a blessing, albeit a painful one. And now you can move forward for yourself. And by the way, I'm so sorry about your dog but looking forward to your "Karma" post in a year or so when your xWW's relationship with AP falls apart.

fareast posted 4/27/2020 20:35 PM

I am glad you were able to get some peace. Just a reminder: from what you have described your WW has been emotionally abusive throughout your M, and an alcoholic as well. She is toxic. She is a home wrecker who helped destroy a family with two young children. A serial cheater who was kicked out of her ministry when her infidelity was exposed. You are going to be so much better off without this jerk. Always value yourself. You deserve so much better.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/28/2020 16:57 PM

It IS helpful when they kick the door closed.... even if it hurts when they do it.
Keep moving forward. Sunnier days are ahead.

Summer1976 posted 4/29/2020 03:50 AM

Hello

I too came off Hopium last week. Iím almost a year from the day he told me he was leaving. Taking off my wedding rings last week was one of the most difficult things psychologically Iíve ever had to do. Shattered dreams. Iíve spent the past week with a permanent lump in my throat and crying at everything but strangely alongside that feeling a little better about the future. I guess you canít fall off the floor and the only way from here has to be up.

I know it sounds morbid but I often think to myself that when my time comes, I want to die knowing I did all I could to save my marriage. You can too.


SadLibrarian posted 4/29/2020 05:34 AM

I know it sounds morbid but I often think to myself that when my time comes, I want to die knowing I did all I could to save my marriage. You can too.

That's very sweet, thank you for sharing. And thank you all for the support.

FlipFlopFlamingo posted 4/29/2020 09:38 AM

I was in the exact same boat. I did everything I could to save my marriage. Fell on my sword, professed my love, maintained that things had the possibility of survival if we were both willing to put the work in. She wasn't willing, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

After my divorce was finalized a couple months ago, it was literally like a switch flipped. I went from wanting nothing more than to maintain my family unit, to knowing that chapter of my life was closed and that it was time to move on.

It gets better. Things aren't perfect, mostly in that we have kids and are having to maintain some level of contact to manage that scenario (especially in light of what is going on with the world). But they are better than they have been in a long time.

I am also looking back at my marriage differently. Once you get to the other side, you can see things more like an outsider and realize that they may not have been as "perfect" as you believed at the time. Hang in there and keep moving forward. You may not really have a choice, and it is always better to take action than to resign yourself to someone else's control.

Ging3rly posted 5/3/2020 13:57 PM

FlipFlopFlamingo:

I was in the exact same boat. I did everything I could to save my marriage. Fell on my sword, professed my love, maintained that things had the possibility of survival if we were both willing to put the work in. She wasn't willing, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

That's exactly where I'm at right now...I'm the WS and have been doing everything possible to rebuild with my XBS 7-months post-split, but he started an EA-turned-PA "not-really-cheating-because-he-was-leaving" before we separated and is still involved with the OW (in some capacity - he always avoids the subject when I bring her up), so the willingness to put in work is completely one-sided. Even with months of breadcrumbs of Hopium, I've gotten up and fallen back on my sword repeatedly and keep running into rejection...but the realization that the effort isn't mutual and reconciliation of any kind requires us to be on the same page at the same time (and it isn't), is ever-so-gradually pushing me out of my Hopium addiction. Man, is it difficult though!! Still working on it...

Anna123 posted 5/3/2020 15:59 PM

I know it sounds morbid but I often think to myself that when my time comes, I want to die knowing I did all I could to save my marriage. You can too.

Summer and Sad. The good news is, when you die, you just won't care. I felt the EXACT same way when I finally flipped the switch. So happy I did everything I could. Now looking back, I know I needed it at that time, but I would rather just have that time back as my own. Hind sight is 20/20 though isn't it and you are doing what you need to do for yourselves at this time.

Take care.

betrayedafter20 posted 5/4/2020 14:50 PM

SL,

Totally get this.
Limbo is much worse. Its so hurtful when there is a string and no finality. So you either have to do it for yourself, or they do it - but either way, it's better.

I know congratulations is not the right word to say to you - but in a sense now you can move forward.

You are free, and with a clear conscience.

Decimated posted 5/5/2020 15:27 PM

I was in the exact same boat. I did everything I could to save my marriage. Fell on my sword, professed my love, maintained that things had the possibility of survival if we were both willing to put the work in. She wasn't willing, and there was nothing I could do to change that.
After my divorce was finalized a couple months ago, it was literally like a switch flipped. I went from wanting nothing more than to maintain my family unit, to knowing that chapter of my life was closed and that it was time to move on.

This was me too. I tried everything when I should have been kicking her ass out the door. I'm actually ashamed by the way I acted. I should have listened to the veterans here and acted like a man.

I finally woke up after the D was final. XWW was still texting and calling me on a regular basis. Probably just to keep me in orbit as a plan B or C, maybe D. One day she called and I didnít want talk to her. I knew it was just a trap so suck me in. Something inside me snapped. She started talking and I stopped her and said,

ďYou know whatÖDonít ever call me again, donít text me, donít email me. I never want to hear from you again and remember, this is what you wantedĒ. As she started crying I hung up.

I was instantly overcome by the most satisfying and liberating feeling. What a rush! I finally found my balls. I needed to slam the door on her, hard. My kids live with me so I had no reason to talk to her and I havenít spoke to her since. It was the step I needed to take to emotionally move on.

OP, She is hopeless. You tried, she didnítÖyouíre done. You did everything you could. Be comforted by that fact if it helps. Keep up your strength and resist the impulse to, if possible, ever speak to her again. Sheís out of your life 100%, she earned that. If she trys in the future, slam the door on her. It feels great!

[This message edited by Decimated at 3:28 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

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