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Setting limits before separation agreement

Breakingapart posted 5/21/2020 21:14 PM

So WH has been FaceTiming my youngest , older three kids wonít see him or speak to him. He said he would social distance because he is in health care...however has only come to see the youngest once in his birthday from a distance for 15 mins. Since then ( early April) he asked for him to sleepover last weekend. Despite my concern, I let him. Today he came over to drop off a present for my eldest. ( whole other shit show!!!) anyway...he stayed and played on driveway with youngest. Tonight he texted that he wanted my youngest to have another sleepover on Monday.
As a side note, sleepovers have resulted in poor next day behaviour as he is allowed to stay up late and eat waaay to much garbage!
I said I didnít think school nights were a good idea And that we should maintain his stable sleep and school schedule. Also that ďsleepoversĒ should be on the weekends.
Now he is pissed saying that it was my youngest idea to sleepover and that I let him decide when to talk to him on FaceTime so why wouldnít I let him choose when he wants to sleepover? Pissed that I said I ďallowedĒ my youngest to sleepover and play today.
Im trying to set limits and let him realize there are consequences to his selfish behaviour ! Our separation agreement is not complete yet...
I feel like I said what I needed to and shouldnít respond any further. Any advice?????

NotTheSideChick posted 5/21/2020 23:10 PM

Boundaries around the kids STAT. You donít need the whole separation agreement figured out to get that handled. The kids need consistency and stability, and this situation is not providing them that.

I would start with something similar to what youíre doing now. Maybe one overnight on Saturday every two weeks? And reevaluate in a month.

He also needs to be giving a heads up when heís coming over and there should be an understanding around how long heíll be around and what he can hang around for.

The FaceTime/phone calls should also be outlined. Again, consistency for kids.

If there are strong boundaries, thereís nothing to fight about and clear expectations.

My H gets the kids every other weekend, every Monday, and he FaceTimes with them every night around 7. He asks the kids to call him during the day, but they never do. We donít do anything as a family and holidays are discussed. Thatís our current and temporary agreement.

Breakingapart posted 5/21/2020 23:27 PM

Thanks. Trying to calm myself down before texting back....best I not respond tonight. Iíve said they needed stability since the beginning. Seems he wants what he wants when it suits him...and it pisses him off that I fight that. He tries to turn it on me and tries to make me feel like Iím the bad guy in all of this!

He says it was my little guyís idea for the sleepover but I also him him talking on FaceTime and hear my little one discussing what WH should do to lure the other kids to visit....I hear him negotiate how many bags of cookies he should keep in stock....etc....

I think I will write in the morning and state that he is free to try to FaceTime the kids at a particular time and that the kids can answer if they choose. As well, that sleepovers can be every other weekend if they want it.

I donít know! Iím so sick of this shit! Iím sick of having to share my kids, of worrying about if she will be there...what they are doing...etc. I didnít choose any of this and I donít want to share my kids! This is all such bull!

Breakingapart posted 5/21/2020 23:27 PM

Thanks. Trying to calm myself down before texting back....best I not respond tonight. Iíve said they needed stability since the beginning. Seems he wants what he wants when it suits him...and it pisses him off that I fight that. He tries to turn it on me and tries to make me feel like Iím the bad guy in all of this!

He says it was my little guyís idea for the sleepover but I also him him talking on FaceTime and hear my little one discussing what WH should do to lure the other kids to visit....I hear him negotiate how many bags of cookies he should keep in stock....etc....

I think I will write in the morning and state that he is free to try to FaceTime the kids at a particular time and that the kids can answer if they choose. As well, that sleepovers can be every other weekend if they want it.

I donít know! Iím so sick of this shit! Iím sick of having to share my kids, of worrying about if she will be there...what they are doing...etc. I didnít choose any of this and I donít want to share my kids! This is all such bull!

[This message edited by Breakingapart at 11:27 PM, May 21st (Thursday)]

messyleslie posted 5/21/2020 23:35 PM

My attorney recommended I just send a straight "the kids are available for a visit on this day from this time to this time, if you want to visit during that time please let me know 24 hours in advance or I will assume you do not want that time and will make other plans"

My kids aren't old enough to have their own phones but I have already told them they are able to call their dad whenever and my oldest has an alexa she can call him on but they never do. He can call me as well, but I think if it became a habit or felt overwhelming I would probably give him specific times he can call then tell him I was muting him outside of those hours.

Breakingapart posted 5/21/2020 23:49 PM

I was afraid to set boundaries about when he can see them because Iím afraid he will say Iím keeping them away from him on purpose....Iím worried that by not agreeing he will find a way to use it against me when it comes to visitations when dealing with our lawyers. My three older kids wonít speak to him or see him at all.....Iím afraid I may have to force them to see him and that kills me. Iím not the bad guy, and I donít want to be in their eyes.
Setting strict boundaries may be my only option...I know he will be pissed and send nasty texts in response and probably wonít agree to it.....
Nightmare!!!

messyleslie posted 5/22/2020 00:28 AM

I was afraid to set boundaries about when he can see them because Iím afraid he will say Iím keeping them away from him on purpose....Iím worried that by not agreeing he will find a way to use it against me when it comes to visitations when dealing with our lawyers.

I literally talk to my attorney about this every single time we talk. She keeps reminding me that we don't have a court order and that its not my job to actively encourage a relationship. I'm totally allowed to say these are the times that work for me. Now if he was asking for more time then maybe you need a discussion, but saying that he isn't allowed to have time just whenever he pleases is not in any way getting the kids away from him.

I don't know about the older kids not wanting to see him, but perhaps making them available and then its up to them? I might ask the attorney about that.

Catwoman posted 5/22/2020 07:51 AM

I would find out what the "norm" is in your state and craft something around that.

Also, you will need X days of notice if he is not taking his parenting time (barring an emergency).

Then, keep scrupulous records on how often he exercises his parenting time.

If you're having school night issues, I would definitely not do weekday overnights until school is out for the summer. Perhaps he can have dinner with them on that night.

Cat

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