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Divorce finalization is this morning

Louisianalisa posted 6/11/2020 08:09 AM

Any prayers or positive thoughts you can send my way will be so appreciated. It will be done on-line via google meet with the judge in his/her chambers. I fear my WH will not show up, just to play passive-aggressive with me.

We had an uncomfortable email exchange this morning in which WH told me that the only way I will find peace is if I look in the mirror and take responsibility for my part in the destruction of our marriage. I deleted the email and did not reply. The entitlement and projection of these people never ceases to astound me. Just a few months ago he told me that none of this was my fault, that I was an ideal wife who had always gone above and beyond for him and our marriage.

Now he is flipping his script, most likely because today he has to do the one thing narcissists hate doing - facing the consequences of his actions - and this time in front of a judge.

And actually, during our six-month false reconciliation, I did do just that. I did ask him what I had done to drive him away and did try to own it, take responsibility and change to remedy the ways he "didn't feel loved"... What a fool I was, jumping through hoops for a cheater. But I was trying to save my marriage.

And did he do anything to take responsibility for his part of our destruction (his affair and so much more)? No. Not one thing. He faked reconciliation, remained distant, blame shifted, quit counseling and moved out, never looking back.

Thanks for listening everyone. This would have been my reply back to him, but I decided to disengage because this morning is going to be hard enough. Adding an email fight into my morning would only add to today's anguish. So I posted my thoughts here instead.

I know today's divorce finalization is the right thing. After all, I am dealing with an unremorseful, blame-shifting, betraying, lying, unfaithful narcissist. Of course it's the right and only choice for me. But it's still so hard.

LL xo

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 8:10 AM, June 11th (Thursday)]

Anna123 posted 6/11/2020 08:49 AM

I am sending prayers your way! I did the same during wreckonciliation. I begged him to know what could I do, and danced the dance with a pure heart. He on the other hand, had that nasty shark look in his eye for most of that time.

I doubted the divorce still, questioning if it was right, but you know what? If he truly wanted to, even up to this day really, he could come to me with an open heart and ask to start from square one, from a distance. Yours could to. Divorce doesn't have to be the final straw if a miracle occurs and they have an epiphany and work for years to change,(and it WOULD be a miracle). Now you will be in a safe spot to move on with your life. Odds are this feeling will pass and you will just move on and have no interest in him as time goes on.

Take care, good luck, and God bless.

Anna123 posted 6/11/2020 08:51 AM

By the way, note that he is mad about this, not sad. He is attacking, not saying words of regret and sorrow.

Louisianalisa posted 6/11/2020 10:02 AM

Agreed Anna123... At anytime he could show remorse, and while I would never reconcile, I would be willing to have a softer heart towards him. I think I will always feel the trauma of cognitive disonance between who I thought he was for years, and who he really is.

I showed up for the hearing today via video. WH did not video in. Instead he chose to call in via conference call. I think that was kind of cowardly. He refused to see me or even the judge today. The more disconnected he is, the more comfortable he is. If he could have done this via carrier pigeon or pony express, he would have!

Now I have the rest of the day to myself. Not sure what to do. My counselor and I are meeting soon (we Facetime every week) to debrief and then I will try to be good to myself, whatever that looks like today.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/11/2020 10:03 AM

Yes, the best thing is to remain totally silent as he tries to engage you, to release the pressure built up inside him.

Then, try to ďGrey RockĒ him. - info found online.

When I first signed up on SI, one member said she moved on and her XWH THEN went to IC to fix his issues. Thatís when I knew that until my XWH got professional help for himself only, we could not reconcile and I was dealing with a kook. And a SCAREY fake look at that, bc he had tricked me

Please update us today. This is truly the day your life begins to get better.

fareast posted 6/11/2020 10:24 AM

Yes, your STBEXWH is certainly a coward. I have followed your journey. I hope today marks the beginning of a better life moving forward. You can look in the mirror with pride. Your integrity is in tact. Isnít it interesting how he projects his own failings on you. If there is anyone who canít look at himself in the mirror without seeing a shameful person it is him. Good luck. God speed. No contact is your best strategy moving forward.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:29 PM, June 11th (Thursday)]

Outoflove2020 posted 6/11/2020 11:07 AM

I caught myself up with your story and Iím in awe of your strength. You have put yourself first and got yourself out of infidelity. In one of your posts, you said that time and distance has given you some much needed perspective and Iíve really grasped onto that today. My own journey towards that begins today and while I wouldnít wish this crappy world of infidelity on anyone, you give me hope.

Make sure you take care of yourself today, even if thatís allowing yourself to cry yourself into a puddle on the floor. Big hugs and love for you ❤️

Chrysalis123 posted 6/11/2020 14:29 PM

but I decided to disengage because this morning is going to be hard enough. Adding an email fight into my morning would only add to today's anguish. So I posted my thoughts here instead.

Good job not responding- that will drive him crazy because he was trying to get you to engage.

You did it! Time to start your new life without that anchor chained to your leg.

BearlyBreathing posted 6/11/2020 14:31 PM

LL,
Bittersweet congratulations. Itís not what you wanted, but it is the beginning of your new, honest, life. I struggled with NC, but it really is the best thing (Or gray rock). Every engagement with him gave me a nasty hangoveró

Do something for yourself. Plan a trip or do a home spa dayó something. And let the feelings be. You will have lots of them, all over the place. And thatís okay.

(((Louisianalisa)))

Catwoman posted 6/11/2020 15:15 PM

What you are facing is the bucket with the gaping hole in it blaming the water that it cannot be filled. This is typical with people who have personality issues.

The problem is that these people invest themselves in others and divest themselves of the marriage. Grass grows where you tend it. So it sets up an unfair comparison of the marriage vs. the affair.

Mature and complete people don't do this. They seek the things that encourage them in many different aspects, including healthy hobbies, families, friends of the marriage, etc. They do NOT set up their spouse as the only fountain of emotional succor.

You are not responsible for the failure of the marriage. You may have hindsight into things you might have done better and that is normal and expected. But he failed you. You didn't fail him.

Cat

ArkLaMiss posted 6/12/2020 02:20 AM

LL,
Congratulations! You did it. You've made it to the other side!
I, too, am in Louisiana, hour south of Shreveport, and would love to do a meetup when our state is more stable with you and others in our area.
Here's hoping that from here on out you have clear skies, a gentle breeze and a nice cool beverage somewhere amazing! You've got this.

Arklamiss

Louisianalisa posted 6/13/2020 06:20 AM

Thank you everyone for all of your encouragement these past few days. The meeting with the judge went smoothly on Thursday. I had a lot of family and friends praying for me. I spent the rest of the day drinking tea and curled up on the couch watching movies. I love doing that on a rainy day. It was distracting and nurturing.

I was only hoping for a few things to come from Thursday. First, that WH actually show up, and he did. Second, that I remain calm and not cry. Which I did. Calm and no tears. Third, I was hoping that Thursday was the actual divorce date, but as it turns out there is a three week waiting period, so the actual date of the divorce will be July 2nd. Fourth, no computer glitches, as this was done on-line. And thankfully, everything with the technology went fine.

Thanks to those who suggested "Grey Rock"... I know very well what that is, and it was WH's name in my cell phone for a long time! Whenever he would call or text, the name "Grey Rock" showed up on my phone. I changed it though so now his name in my phone is "Not Your Friend"... Both remind me of the frame of mind to put myself in whenever I must engage with him. I had "Lying Cheater" for his name as well, shortly after DDay.

And thank you to those who say they have followed my story. Out of the thousands of people on SI, I have to say I am blown away that I would have caught anyone's attention. My self esteem is so beaten to the ground that I am amazed when people take an interest in me and are inspired. I am so grateful for SI, where we have a platform to tell our stories and to hold eachother up.

Catwoman, I love your analogy of the bucket of holes blaming the water. Great visual, and so true... I just kept pouring myself into him and our marriage, with zero return on my investment. He made no efforts to replenish me or our marriage. I am so exhaused I could sleep for the next twenty years!

And true also that he invested so much into his affair that how then could our marriage compare to an exciting, thrilling fling with a woman 14 years younger than his wife? I was so depleted in the end. I had nothing left to give him, so it was time for him to move on. He found his new supply in 2017 and immediately I became back-up supply in his life. What little crumbs I was getting by then all stopped. He checked out from us and never came back.

And yes, I do have hindsight into the things I could have done better. Looking back on them, the mistakes I did make in our marriage through the years were NOT insurmountable. Whatever wrongs I committed could be overcome and resolved, that is, for two normal committed loyal married people.

In the end, the biggest mistake I made in my marriage to my covert narcissist WH is that I was not a good enough doormat. This was unacceptable to him... How dare I have needs and ask for things from my husband, and want things within my marriage? He would not have any of it.

He devalued me for years, but his years-long affair and brutal discard last year was his final exit because I was not a good enough doormat anymore.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 6:24 AM, June 13th (Saturday)]

nekonamida posted 6/13/2020 21:08 PM

LL, I too have been following your story and I'm proud of how far you've come. You're going to thrive without him.

Louisianalisa posted 6/14/2020 09:29 AM

Thank you Nekonamida, and everyone.

LL xo

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