ChoosingHope posted 6/12/2020 17:25 PM

Hi everyone,
My ex, who used to be known here as Genius, has a lot of problems: "sex addicition" and diagnosed personality disorder. Child custody evaluator said he's probably a sociopath. I think he's 100 percent a sociopath. Led a double life while we were married, into extreme BDSM, etc. Then I found out about all of this and started divorce proceedings, and he made my life a living hell for three years over custody.

I have primary physical custody and the kids live with me except for Wednesday nights and every other weekend. I have legal tie-breaking authority.

My kids are 13 and 15. I just discovered that Genius got into an accident under the influence two years ago. He hit a cab. He failed all the alcohol screenings and got arrested and blew a 0.14, which apparently is very high.

Now, I'm trying to figure out what to do. He's always threatening me with everything under the sun and I really hate to even interact with I'm at all. But I'm wondering if I should try to make sure he's not driving at night with my kids in the car.

Has anyone had to deal with this? I want to make sure my kids are safe. I'm not sure what my rights are, and I really don't know if I want to drag attorneys into this, given all the money it will cost. Grateful for any advice.

Oh, and just for a good laugh, Genius threatened me with his ambulance chasing DUI attorney just two months ago! He said my (amazingly honest and kind) significant other was "badmouthing" him and slandering him in front of my kids, etc. etc., something significant other would NEVER do. Genius was just messing with me and claiming that SO could never be around our children!

SO ended up having to consult his old divorce attorney who told him to ignore it all, that it was crazy and that Genius's attorney was disreputable.

Anyhow, the irony is just too much.....

Mel61 posted 6/12/2020 17:46 PM

Personally, I would talk to your kids and explain to them they should never ride with anyone that has been drinking. If they are with anyone that has been drinking to refuse to get in the car and call you asap. Ask them questions about what they would do in particular situations. Lead them to understand that even if it is an adult not to ride with them. Leave talking to your ex out of it he won't care he is an idiot.

ChoosingHope posted 6/12/2020 18:42 PM

Thanks Mel61. I'm concerned that my kids don't really know what/when he is drinking. I think he drinks a lot at home, and I think it's hard liquor in a glass with ice.

my kids are young teens, but I'm just not sure if they would know, or be assertive enough to stand up to him and say something.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/13/2020 06:47 AM

Genius reminds me a lot of the Nex in my situation.

I had to deal with this with kids a bit younger than yours. Nex was also litigious and so I had to tred very carefully. He had lost a limb in a DUI before the affair so I knew he had a drinking problem.

He also would shame/yell at the kids for being "just like their mother", tattle tales, and did not want him having fun...so the kids were afraid to upset him.

I involved a therapist for the drinking and driving. She worked with the kids to teach them a code phrase to use when calling me which would alert me that they were scared and wanted immediate help. The therapist helped to shore up their self confidence when dealing with dear old dad.

I wish I would have been more aggressive and immediately called the cops for a wellness check... but I was still messed up in the head and trying to untangle myself from codependency and the mind fuck of living with him all those years and extracting myself and the kids from the mess.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:51 AM, June 13th (Saturday)]

ChoosingHope posted 6/13/2020 16:49 PM

Chrysalis! We overlapped here a bunch of years ago and used to compare these two. I remember it all!

I read your profile and I'm so glad to see that you're finally free.

I like the idea of a code word. I can only imagine what else Genius has been up to - what I know is horrible. Genius has deteriorated in every way, but he STILL pursued my significant other's ex-wife last year and even dated her briefly. (Yes, we became the Jerry Springer family thanks to that antic.)

We live in a tri-state area and I looked up court records and he has driving issues in two of them, including the DUI and accident.

I think I'll talk to the kids and then I'll just keep all of this to myself until the next time he started threatening me.

Again, so glad you're doing well! I started nodding when I read that your ex yelled at the kids for being like you. Mine actually told the judge: "My wife is not a good judge of what is risky and what is not!"

The judge looked right back at him and said, "Well, maybe not when she first got married, but it seems to me that she has figured things out since then."

homewrecked2011 posted 6/14/2020 06:27 AM

If you have a little bit of $$ saved up, this is what I would do.
Call around and talk to a few PI’s. Tell them you aren’t sure if xh is driving with the kids. Ask if they have any ideas/experience on getting evidence of this. It’s possible that if xh even getting intoxicated around your children something can be done.

Let’s say xh takes them to an outdoor bbq at a park, etc, can the PI be available to get to the place quickly, get a few photos of xh drinking then the kids getting into the car? Or, I know PIs who act like their vehicle is broken down and leave it on the street for a couple of days —with a tiny, powerful camera recording everything! — like you’re xh stumbling, passing out, yelling, falling down in the yard, etc.

And you’re right about not approaching xh, it’s best to keep the info line open from your kids.

Alateen is a good support for teens with an alcoholic parent.

(Glad to see you’re D and in a good place)

Chrysalis123 posted 6/14/2020 07:45 AM

I remember you too ChoosingHope because I also compared the two men.

Genius threatened me with his ambulance chasing DUI attorney just two months ago! He said my (amazingly honest and kind) significant other was "badmouthing" him and slandering him in front of my kids, etc. etc., something significant other would NEVER do. Genius was just messing with me and claiming that SO could never be around our children!

When Nex did thing like this it told me what he was doing. The thing about people like this is they think they are smarter than everyone including judges, doctors, attorneys, police and this arrogance blinds them to many things.

He's telling you he's badmouthing you to the kids, or he is using a flying monkey.

The stunt with dating your SO's ex-wife tells me Genius still has the target on your head. He will punish you in anyway his sick head thinks up. You know shields up at all times as he is not safe.

Hang in there CH. Do not tell him what bothers you because he will make sure more of it happens. Use authorities to deal with him whenever possible. Hopefully, once your youngest emancipates the attacks will lessen.

And keep posting here. SI was invaluable to me in maneuvering around the problem with wisdom, playing the long game, stealth, and knowledge about how to outfox a person like Genius.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:45 AM, June 14th (Sunday)]

ChoosingHope posted 6/15/2020 13:37 PM

Chrysalis AND Homewrecked!

I feel like I'm back at home here now. (All I need is Cat to show up and tell me that Genius won't be happy until I'm alone and living on the street in a box! - Cat, are you still here? )

Homewrecked: I think a PI might not be a bad idea because it could save my kids' lives. Thank you. I also wonder if he drinks when he's out to dinner with the kids. I have location finder on my kids' phones....hmm.

Chrysalis, your reply stunned me a little. I don't know why I'm still in his sights nine years after our separation and nearly six years after our divorced was finalized. He stalked my SO's ex-wife for months. The first time she "met" him (he sought her out on some online dating app), she said he was a "horrible person." But he kept going, relentlessly. I can't BELIEVE she would date him - he's so gross and has continued to go downhill since our divorce. And she seems relatively normal. But someone he won her over until they had some huge blowup and she dumped him. The whole thing was humiliating.

When Nex did thing like this it told me what he was doing. The thing about people like this is they think they are smarter than everyone including judges, doctors, attorneys, police and this arrogance blinds them to many things.

He's telling you he's badmouthing you to the kids, or he is using a flying monkey.

Wow, just wow. I used to find the whole "projection" thing too nuts to really understand. But it's one of Genius's specialities. So he's badmouthing us. Okay. I can deal with that. Threatening court again, but I've heard that a million times, and it's going to be hard for him to change anything given that our divorce decree is 57 pages of a judge going off on him.

Sigh. Thank you both. I'll try my best to keep coming on here to try to help newbies. Collectively, we've dealt with a LOT.