messyleslie posted 6/19/2020 01:41 AM

I got my draft parenting plan and judgment today. I have been annoyed with my attorney because it has taken longer than she said it would, but still when I got the email I didn't really want to open the attachment and read over it.

Once I did I felt a flood of sadness, cried a little and just felt overwhelmed at all the legal stuff and like it all coming down to just these words on these papers. It also felt a little like walking out of a final and I used to cry after that too. Like maybe I'm at another camp on the climb to the top of the mountain.

I called my WH to ask him how he wanted to go over it - if he would prefer he and I do it together, my attorney send it to him (he is an attorney and representing himself) and he just starting sobbing. Like couldn't breath weeping. Apologizing and saying how much he messed up and how he misses me so much and how his life is nothing without me and he will do whatever I need and he knows he can never make up for how he has hurt me and it will carry that with him for the rest of his life.

Its weird. I just don't know what to say. I'm sure old self would have told him it was okay and that I understood how sorry he was, but now I just don't say anything. I don't respond to it at all. It feels mean but also I don't know what to say - he did in fact really mess up. He also really hurt me and I hope he does carry that with him for his entire life and I really do have an expectation that he does everything in his power to make up for it by providing for us and being generous and supportive. I know his hurt is not mine to fix, and I know he is alone without any other support system because he pushed away everyone.

I feel sad and feel a lot of compassion for him. Addiction and mental illness were not his choices. He didn't chose to be an alcoholic or bipolar. He did in fact make choices that made it so those things were worsened and he didn't get help to make those things manageable in this life and he did in fact choose to have an affair and he was in fact abusive. I also know he does love me and feels immense shame and guilt and sadness over his actions and the breakup of our marriage. So its all just sad. I am really sad that this is the outcome and I wish he had been brought to his knees a long time ago so there was a chance he could have been a healthy husband to me.

I know divorce is the right decision for me and I absolutely do not want to be married to the man he became. I am not mourning my marriage of the last three years nor of some parts of years preceding that. But I feel like I am mourning over the marriage that could have been if alcoholism and mental illness had not been a party in my marriage. I'm mourning not being married to the person I married. I cannot tell you how many times I have cried to him that I just want 2009 him back.

Anyways, its been a weird day. I'm hopeful the next part won't be the hardest and it will all just be easy - he promised me that since being married to him was so hard he could at least make it easy to divorce him. So hoping and praying that it happens like that.

nekonamida posted 6/19/2020 07:38 AM

ML, this is a tough situation. Sometimes you screw up and there are no do overs. Just know that you gave your STBX many chances to do the right thing by you and your family. He still kept choosing to be destructive instead of getting healthy.

I'm sure old self would have told him it was okay and that I understood how sorry he was, but now I just don't say anything.

I am so guilty of this and I've learned it's okay to say nothing and let the apology hang awkwardly. I too used to rush to say everything was okay and usually it was. Usually the thing being apologized for was not a big deal and was quickly forgotten but then when it was a big deal, I had to really stop myself from treating it like spilled milk.

I've realized we're not actually doing them any favors by jumping to the rescue to make it right. We're sending the message that anything they do can be okay with us if the slightest amount of regret is shown and that's just not true. We're sending the message that when they do something bad, we also have responsibility to forgive them and move on from it without anything more than the apology. We would hope that they would see our grace and genuinely feel bad about hurting us when we're so kind and understanding but many WSes just tend to see that as another loophole to exploit. It's better for him to hear the deafening silence of his screw ups that can't be fixed with an apology and for him to learn the lesson from it.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/19/2020 15:01 PM

(((((messy leslie))))) Today is a sad and hard day for you, and I am sorry. It is one more step of the shit sandwich to getting to your new and better life.

What I saw in your post was a wise woman with much internal awareness and strength. You really are seeing this situation clearly because of all the work you put into it.

Remember, feelings are not facts. Feelings change but facts don't.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 6/19/2020 18:41 PM

Hugs.