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New beginings -scary though

NEWPERSON posted 6/22/2020 05:21 AM

I moved out of our home two weeks ago.

To give my background my WH cheated with his PA(i estimate 2 years before I found out) and refused to let her go so we could work on our marriage-continued the after a year and .I went for IC for 9 months -I learned that he is a narcissist (he also admitted that he is one).I asked him to leave last November and he refused .I started saving money and by March I had found an apartment but could not move out due to lockdown. During the lockdown he was so mean and selfish -refusing to assist me with kids home schooling -told me I was a mother and its a mothers job to help children with school work. That was the last straw ,I called apartment owner requested keys in May and started buying furniture online and when lockdown was mildly lifted and moving was allowed I moved.

I am now in this new chapter that makes me feel scared and also angry at him because I feel like he has put us in this state .We agreed on separation and having kids spend a week with one parent and following week with another parent .

I started talking to a lawyer and we realised he put everything in a trust (South Africa)-we are married Out of community with accrual but everything since we got married everything he bought (2 land for building) put in the Trust .Anyone with any experience of this nature, even when I request maintenance he says that I want to live of him

lieshurt posted 6/24/2020 08:07 AM

Bumping for responses

Muggle posted 6/24/2020 12:40 PM

I have no experience with an out of country trust. I can only tell you that you need an attorney to sort out what can be done about it.

I'm glad you're in a place of change, and that you are in your own space. It will be scary as you learn to be on your own.

Don't hold your breathe that he will parent, expect to do it solo. My experience with a narcissistic spouse was that he opted out of everything that he wasn't legally obligated to help with. He never was present when he was in the house, and it appears he moved across the US and gave no address where they moved. He has minimal contact with his almost adult kids.

He's what I call a Hallmark dad. He sends a card at Christmas, and on birthdays, but otherwise isn't engaged.

Good luck and congratulations on taking the first scary step.

NEWPERSON posted 7/13/2020 03:08 AM

thank you Muggle for just giving me the reality of being with a narcissist. He now mentions wants two more kids girls(he has four boys in total (2 from first marriage and 2 from our marriage)

Now he wants two girls so that they can love him unconditionally, so the kids must love him because its all about him.

Nonetheless that's the least of my worries as I wont be the carrier of those girls.The only challenge when i went to drop the boys over the weekend -he aske dto discuss with me our relationship and what led to the breakdown.I agreed as I am a reasonable person and really I am trying to be civil...he then started accusing me that I am the one who led to the breakdown because in 2015 we agreed that I take a break from work which I did as I was studying and then in 2016 I went back to work and according to him we were so happy then and had I not gone back to work like would still be pure bliss.Firstly when I took the break -I was going to work with him as he is a businessmen and he changed on me and said he cannot work with me which obviously hurt me as that was the initial plan.Then he would give me silent treat when we have disagreements for days and sometimes a whole week (so the perfection he experienced is not true) Oh well I guess I was on the receiving end of narcissism so he never would have known what it was like to be at home and be ignored with no one to talk to as I not studying fulltime so I did no get much interaction with other people then my family.

He went on and on about how our intimacy was never great from the onset and that I was never able to satisfy him....so I said well then its a good that we apart because then in anycase I was never good enough.Then he changes he loved me, no man will ever love me more than him...blah blah blah...so i said what is the point of the conversation since for a year and a half he had no interest to fix our marriage and I left 5 weeks ago now he is caring and wants to get to the bottom of things.

Eventually I left after 2 hours of this and then I got a message on Sunday saying , he would like to engage more on this as he needs closure about what really went wrong so I said I am not in a good space to chat can he give me a week(the reason is I am doing IC) so wanted to ask my psychologist what he thinks of this.

One thing for sure I am not going back but I also am an empath so I struggle to just say no but I also am trying to create boundaries for my sanity.

please advise what your thoughts are?

NEWPERSON posted 7/13/2020 03:08 AM

thank you Muggle for just giving me the reality of being with a narcissist. He now mentions wants two more kids girls(he has four boys in total (2 from first marriage and 2 from our marriage)

Now he wants two girls so that they can love him unconditionally, so the kids must love him because its all about him.

Nonetheless that's the least of my worries as I wont be the carrier of those girls.The only challenge when i went to drop the boys over the weekend -he aske dto discuss with me our relationship and what led to the breakdown.I agreed as I am a reasonable person and really I am trying to be civil...he then started accusing me that I am the one who led to the breakdown because in 2015 we agreed that I take a break from work which I did as I was studying and then in 2016 I went back to work and according to him we were so happy then and had I not gone back to work like would still be pure bliss.Firstly when I took the break -I was going to work with him as he is a businessmen and he changed on me and said he cannot work with me which obviously hurt me as that was the initial plan.Then he would give me silent treat when we have disagreements for days and sometimes a whole week (so the perfection he experienced is not true) Oh well I guess I was on the receiving end of narcissism so he never would have known what it was like to be at home and be ignored with no one to talk to as I not studying fulltime so I did no get much interaction with other people then my family.

He went on and on about how our intimacy was never great from the onset and that I was never able to satisfy him....so I said well then its a good that we apart because then in anycase I was never good enough.Then he changes he loved me, no man will ever love me more than him...blah blah blah...so i said what is the point of the conversation since for a year and a half he had no interest to fix our marriage and I left 5 weeks ago now he is caring and wants to get to the bottom of things.

Eventually I left after 2 hours of this and then I got a message on Sunday saying , he would like to engage more on this as he needs closure about what really went wrong so I said I am not in a good space to chat can he give me a week(the reason is I am doing IC) so wanted to ask my psychologist what he thinks of this.

One thing for sure I am not going back but I also am an empath so I struggle to just say no but I also am trying to create boundaries for my sanity.

please advise what your thoughts are?

NEWPERSON posted 7/13/2020 03:09 AM

thank you Muggle for just giving me the reality of being with a narcissist. He now mentions wants two more kids girls(he has four boys in total (2 from first marriage and 2 from our marriage)

Now he wants two girls so that they can love him unconditionally, so the kids must love him because its all about him.

Nonetheless that's the least of my worries as I wont be the carrier of those girls.The only challenge when i went to drop the boys over the weekend -he aske dto discuss with me our relationship and what led to the breakdown.I agreed as I am a reasonable person and really I am trying to be civil...he then started accusing me that I am the one who led to the breakdown because in 2015 we agreed that I take a break from work which I did as I was studying and then in 2016 I went back to work and according to him we were so happy then and had I not gone back to work like would still be pure bliss.Firstly when I took the break -I was going to work with him as he is a businessmen and he changed on me and said he cannot work with me which obviously hurt me as that was the initial plan.Then he would give me silent treat when we have disagreements for days and sometimes a whole week (so the perfection he experienced is not true) Oh well I guess I was on the receiving end of narcissism so he never would have known what it was like to be at home and be ignored with no one to talk to as I not studying fulltime so I did no get much interaction with other people then my family.

He went on and on about how our intimacy was never great from the onset and that I was never able to satisfy him....so I said well then its a good that we apart because then in anycase I was never good enough.Then he changes he loved me, no man will ever love me more than him...blah blah blah...so i said what is the point of the conversation since for a year and a half he had no interest to fix our marriage and I left 5 weeks ago now he is caring and wants to get to the bottom of things.

Eventually I left after 2 hours of this and then I got a message on Sunday saying , he would like to engage more on this as he needs closure about what really went wrong so I said I am not in a good space to chat can he give me a week(the reason is I am doing IC) so wanted to ask my psychologist what he thinks of this.

One thing for sure I am not going back but I also am an empath so I struggle to just say no but I also am trying to create boundaries for my sanity.

please advise what your thoughts are?

devotedman posted 7/13/2020 06:54 AM

He needs closure? Pfui. What do you need?

As a narcissist, everything is about him. When he appears loving, or reasonable, or kind, or whatever, he's manipulating you to achieve whatever outcome he wants at that time. He put enough time into you to learn what buttons to push to get what he wants and from then on he's just pushing the necessary buttons.

You will learn that "No" is a complete sentence. Then you terminate the interaction and remove yourself from further interaction.

NEWPERSON posted 7/13/2020 08:16 AM

I really want to be left alone, I want to heal and never ever find myself with such a selfish person ever again...I want a life of happiness and not lies and cheating.


I am just not sure how to handle him considering we still have minors(kids)-if there was no children I would have blocked him and left town .

devotedman posted 7/13/2020 09:08 AM

Go into The Healing Library, upper left of this screen, and read about The 180, item #11 of the BS FAQ if I remember correctly. Use those techniques to create some distance for yourself. You will heal, you'll begin to see more clearly because of that distance.

Basically, only talk of children and money, If he shifts the talk, stop talking and leave.

Learn to use phrases like, "I'm sorry that you feel that way." Dry up his narcissistic "food" supply. He'll try twice as hard to get a response and remember- i f he gets a response you're feeding him.

He doesn't believe what he says, he says the words to push your buttons to get his reward, feeding his ego and validating his worth. much like a rat in a test.

Don't feed him.

[This message edited by devotedman at 9:09 AM, July 13th, 2020 (Monday)]

NEWPERSON posted 7/14/2020 02:35 AM

thank you Devoted man, I fully understand that it is about him trying to walk away feeling like the victim as opposed to the reason for the marriage falling apart.

I definitely will create the boundaries to kids and maintenance for the kids because personally I could careless if he with 5 or 10 women ...I just trying to find my closure through therapy.

NEWPERSON posted 7/27/2020 02:20 AM

So we separated in June and agreed on 50/50 on children( which means one week with one parent and another week with the other parent) , he sends me a message on Friday that I should keep the kids with me until our helper is back(she had to go home 2 weeks ago as her son was sick)This means I could have the kids for 2 weeks straight -his reasoning is that because the house gets dirty and our helper is not around to help(The helper moves around with kids and I am paying her but for the sake of the kids and consistency -we are agreed on her moving around from my place to his )

I found this so selfish because I moved to a smaller place while he has a bigger house, now the kids must be stuck in the apartment for 2 weeks all cause he does not want his house which was our home for the past 10 years. Then he has the nerve to tell me that he spoke to his mom because I was at the house to help my 9 year old with home schooling -that I did not wash dishes (oh I decided to do the kids laundry because I left my washing machine there -and I did his too.) he says why did I not fold it .I have to do my work, help 9 year old with school work and then I still did their laundry and so he still expected me to fold it(I think he forgot I no longer play the wife role) I do what I want to do and don't do what I don't want to do.

I told him,I don't care what your mom says or think-you are 50 .... why do you need to run to her when you have an issue with me?that woman is 76 and she wants to call me and tell me that I should have washed dishes and folded laundry -I am scared I will tell her where to get off as she could not help me when I told them about his affair -she told me he does not listen to her and the dad -so now she wants to discipline me????

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