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Walk Me through What to Expect

SimplyRed posted 7/2/2020 17:31 PM

Independence Day. New Meaning. I am looking for someone that has been through divorce in the deep south to know what to expect as a woman with a wayward that is spending money like it nothing. He has a job, working 40 hours a week, sometimes a little more. My employment is a COVID casualty. I also have little savings and no retirement. Because of the type of work unemployment is not paying. I have a child. I also have responsibilities that will need to be sold to relieve the financial drain. I'm older. He's younger. Child is in teens. Live on family property but mobile home is in his name. It is in a state of disrepair. My preference is for house to be fixed and him to move. Is alimony there? What sort of child support?

Help, please. He will be home for 3 day weekend. He has purchased guns and ammo including a pistol. He is under the care of a Psychiatrist for extreme anxiety and depression. On meds. Has made suicide attempt in the past. That is what led to diagnosis and meds as well as continued care. He has buffaloed more than one therapist into believing him and convincing them I am crazy and imagining things. I am thinking slept with another and the only one that wouldn't buy his BS he refused to see.

I want to tell him he has this weekend to decide on what he is going to do and/or papers will coming. I feel this is a lost cause as he is a serial cheater but wishes, horses, beggars riding and only a few years left with child at home. He has never been transparent and is a gaslighter supreme. Lies with the best of them and makes you doubt yourself.

I understand that details can identify and I am not really looking for that just close.

Thanks for reading this far. I also welcome any BTDT but our state is funny with custody and marriage so also hoping for some that can relate on that level as well...

If hindsight were 20/20 my life would look much different now.

[This message edited by SimplyRed at 10:13 AM, July 3rd (Friday)]

Muggle posted 7/4/2020 19:10 PM

He has purchased guns and ammo including a pistol. He is under the care of a Psychiatrist for extreme anxiety and depression

This statement worries me greatly. If you and your child are living with him I would suggest staying somewhere else. I would contact his psychiatrist and advise them of this behavior. He could become suicidal or homicidal toward you. He doesn't sound balanced.

If the mobile home was purchased during your marriage it will likely be considered a marital asset. Alimony is never guaranteed. They do calculations on the length of the marriage, the wages of both people, and job opportunities. If you are currently unemployed they will impute (put in an income) for you based off what the average would be for someone your age.

See an attorney immediately and share your concerns. Do not leave your child with him for any reason in his current mental health state.

If he threatens you or your child or threatens himself call the police and have them make a report for a psychiatric evaluation. This is dangerous territory, do not engage him until you have a game plan to be safe.

If you feel in danger leave with your child, or call the police from a safe place.

CallingSpades posted 7/4/2020 22:53 PM

I apologize I can't answer your questions, but in line with what Muggle said, do a MOSAIC domestic violence assessment online. I think you will be surprised, and I agree with Muggle that your first concern should be your and your child's safety.

SimplyRed posted 7/6/2020 17:23 PM

Thank you for that Calling Spades. Just finished. He is on his way home so will come back to this tomorrow. Thanks also for your reply Muggle.

CallingSpades posted 7/6/2020 22:29 PM

Hope tonight is ok for you.

Second idea, maybe don't give an ultimatum. It might work, but could also bring things to a head in a bad way. He knows he's doing wrong, knows you know about it - he's already made his choice to double down. Maybe decide what's best for you and execute your plan without giving him a heads up and time to act against you. Gather information, do attorney consults, and as long as he doesn't know, time can be on your side.

Knowledge is power. You can do this.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 10:34 PM, July 6th, 2020 (Monday)]

SimplyRed posted 7/7/2020 15:02 PM

The MOSAIC was not as high as I expected but escalation is expected no matter the route just some routes would escalate quicker if that makes sense.

No confrontation and though I want a D yesterday at this point, D is my end goal. It has been my end goal since I confirmed his cheating years ago. What stopped me was that there is a pedophile in his family and shared custody would have meant unsupervised visits since it was never reported. I had no clue until I walked in on this person changing a diaper and this person was caught red handed in the act. I was young and stupid and didn't push about reporting. Not only he and certain members of his family but mine convinced me i probably really didn't see what I thought I saw and best to just let it be and beware (in the case of my family) only to later found out about others. Also family history of mental illness on that side. Safer to shelter in place so to speak and limit contact as much as possible. WH also really had not much to nothing to do with child until recently.

We are living with a patched hole in the roof and several patched holes in the floor and deteriorating living conditions he could easily afford to properly repair/remodel, though on a budget. I hate the half azzing approach to house repair. I have considered this is his way of driving me out thinking child would remain because of state laws on custody and removal from the state/area and he would get child support but at $10 to $12 K a year at what I do to keep my schedule same as childs he wouldn't see anything nor could he devote the time to making the child's commitments. I would basically need it all to just survive and child would lose out as all extra curriculars would stop. Plus child would come with me. I worry child would change his mind but he is pretty against living here if I am not here. Sadly WH has been making efforts to do dad things and child is wanting those expereiences.

What triggered this thread was needing financial information for something entirely different and when going through the bills to add up expenses to see if they had appreciably changed I found the amt due pages for his credit cards but not the what was purchased during that month pages. When I asked about this he said they were there I just missed them and all he ever spends on is us. B total S. I got lucky and a new bill was in the mail. $400 in charges to QPID (anyone know anything about that site?). I went back and looked at the new charge line on the bills with missing pages and one had a total of over $1k and the other right at $750. Of course I started digging. I also found receipts for $4k in guns and ammo and a receipt for $10k for a used vehicle. When it showed up I had asked politely where it came from and who paid for it. I was told his dad bought for family use and it could be for child to drive if he needed it for something specific. The vehicle is totally inappropriate for that use. I had let the gun slide when I accidentally came across it as I certainly didn't want a confrontation if he was being responsible and he had already "repurchased" the ones he "sold" that I had returned to him when he said he needed money to pay bills down 3 years ago... that was another $3k if he is telling the truth. I just didn't know the type or number of when the first new one showed up. All of that not only would have put a new roof over our head but made a big dent in replacing floors then ripping out walls and remodeling one room at a time starting with kitchen and bathrooms where the most damage is.

He'd been pushing his luck with work and though he screams how transparent he is at the top of his lungs to any and all, how his word is gold and how I control his life at every turn because he calls me to let me know he is on his way home every (almost) day - the fact is I have never controlled his life. The things he pays for he would have to pay whether we were here or not. I do my thing, put food on the table (buy and make), provide the extras and raise my child and mostly I ignore him doing his thing. He knows better than to pull control strategies with me so he makes sure that if I decide to do something or go somewhere that he has at least offered to cover a portion of the cost. It makes him look good to himself and all those I am sure he shares it with. I always offer to include him. He always declines.

And that is another thing. He has this fantasy story of who he is and just all he does going on in his head that he supports with the tiny grain of "truth" that is central to his lies. I feel this is a huge issue for him. We know the whole truth and all the unvarnished truth so help us but he can take that grain and as long as there is no crossover he can be the hero he thinks he is and promote that "truth" to the world or whatever new OW is supporting his pity party about how bad he's got it living with us and if they don't know about us all the better they get a whole nother story. That is really when the marriage fell apart. When I moved here and discovered he wasn't who he claimed to be. I've been playing catch up ever since.

If you've read this far then bless you. I didn't realize I had that much to say.

I'd still like to hear how D's went and would appreciate commentary from those that have a WS similar. BTDTs from those that stayed until children were old enough to be safe or out of the house before that step.

Staying somewhere else could precipitate that confrontation. I also have no where else to stay. My family is out of state only his is here.

[This message edited by SimplyRed at 3:06 PM, July 7th (Tuesday)]

CallingSpades posted 7/7/2020 21:31 PM

I'm glad you said what you needed to. It shows you see your situation clearly. I'm not D yet but hope someone is here to help soon. I think you're right to post details here and ask for advice, as it seems he could manipulate the finances and get himself a lawyer, where you don't have that option. Have you looked up any free legal clinics that might help find pro bono services in your area? There's an organization here but I'm close to a major city. The American Bar Association has a page that might help.
Hope someone with better info reads your story soon. I wonder if the rules allow you to post on the general forum, since they get more traffic there and someone that's been divorced a while might not be looking at this forum?

SimplyRed posted 7/10/2020 13:10 PM

Yes, and had one on retainer who has since retired. The first I saw basically said - go home, get hit, file a report and he'd then nail him to the wall. I was told by several other women that had gone to him that is his standard and reporting him is useless.

I did try that route and found that those weren't putting forth much effort beyond filing papers. That was how I ended up with retaining the one I found. I borrowed the retainer fee from family and paid it back over time. Those doors are now closed.

I did end up not so much confronting but when he came home and decided he needed to read the riot act about his expectations for everything he feels needs to be done in a day I just asked how he could even begin to expect me to work for nothing while he paid literally thousands it turns out to QPID to host his new "friendships". It was the same with Ashley Madison.

He throws out the line - You need to take over paying the bills then but when it comes down to it he won't turn everything over to make that possible.

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