Decadewasted posted 7/3/2020 14:18 PM

I ended things with WH last week. There is no getting back together. We will be living together but separate until the conclusion of our lease (6 months). What's on my mind though is having casual sex. I've never done that before. I've been with H since I was 18, I am now 38. Is that a bad idea? I don't think I'm doing it for revenge. I wouldn't tell him or rub it in his face. I just feel like I want to enjoy sex and not be attached by emotion. What are your thoughts and experiences?

Butforthegrace posted 7/3/2020 14:33 PM

I was cheated on and dumped for the AP. I felt totally alone and vulnerable. I very quickly fell into a rebound relationship that was highly sexual. I won't lie; the sex with somebody new felt really good. However, the rebound relationship itself was pretty messy. I was in a horrible emotional state and as it turns out we tend to make bad relationship decisions.

This was years ago, long before the internet. Nowadays, with Tinder and such, it's possible to get a FWB or hook up. I'd suggest that. Sex with somebody new is a good feeling.

Okokok posted 7/3/2020 15:15 PM

Is that a bad idea?

It could be a bad idea one week from your last relationship ending (mostly because your emotions are all over the place, and if nothing else it could have negative consequences for your new sexual partner; you really do run the risk of "using" someone without really having their consent for that). Of course, people still do it all the time in situations like this.

It could also be an incredibly bad idea during a pandemic, so really think about how you'll keep safe in that regard as well.

~

Those two things aside, what's really important is that you're honest, careful, and really communicative. Casual sex can absolutely be done safely and healthily between two consenting and conscientious adults.

Be sure to never lead someone into thinking they could have a chance at a relationship with you if that's not really the case. You absolutely can honestly communicate what your intentions are in a situation like this. There will likely be many men happy to oblige, but there is also potential for you to accidentally hurt someone, so be mindful of that.

On that note, this is definitely one of those scenarios where the playbook is different for women than it is for men. There are many awful men out there on the apps and this could quickly turn dangerous or unhealthy if you're not discerning and careful. I'm talking about violence, crossing boundaries, etc.

Hopefully other women will chime in about date safety, etc., but in general make sure there are people who know where you are, and really take time to get to know a new partner before putting yourself in a vulnerable situation. That means beyond talking to them. Verify their realness, google their name, etc.

[This message edited by Okokok at 3:17 PM, July 3rd (Friday)]

Jesusismyanchor posted 7/3/2020 15:29 PM

I personally would caution you that you are very early on only ending it last week. You may be more emotional and vulnerable than you realize. I do not know if you really know how you will feel or respond. It could make you feel better or worse. I would take more time to consider it as you work through your present emotions and still see if you feel that way later. IMHO.

PSTI posted 7/6/2020 13:20 PM

You can't fill a "relationship" hole with casual sex, if that makes sense.

If you want to have casual sex because you want to have casual sex, that's awesome. Have at it (once it's safe, I wouldn't give this advice during a pandemic), use protection, and have a wonderful time as long as you're upfront with potential partners that you're only open for casual. Don't assume they know that.

But if you just want to have sex to kind of get the taste of a relationship out of your mouth? That's not going to work, and it does make you feel worse afterwards. Sex is fun if you just want sex, but if what you want is someone to hold you and care for you? There's something missing.

I love casual sex, and when I broke up with my very first poly boyfriend I went on a several months long casual sex spree. Craigslist personals were a lot of fun. But it was not a good idea after the relationship ended- I needed to get back to feeling like myself before I could really just enjoy the NSA sex again. Before that I just found myself missing my xBF.

DevastatedDee posted 7/6/2020 13:27 PM

It was a fabulous experience for me. I had an absolutely meaningless ONS that I hadn't been expecting shortly after leaving my XWH. He cheated on me with young women. I was at a backyard party with my neighbors in my new neighborhood and hooked up with a younger man. Never saw him again, honestly can't remember his name now. Doesn't matter. It was fun and healing as heck for me.

Decadewasted posted 7/9/2020 16:14 PM

So I think what I am trying to do is sexually liberate myself. I have only ever had 2 partners and I loved them both. I want to just experience sex because I want it, not because I love him or it's an expectation within a relationship. I want it to be mine.

BluesPower posted 7/9/2020 16:26 PM

I am not going to say one way or another.

Like others have said, DO NOT START ANY RELATIONSHIPS right now.

If you want to, be safe, and have fun.

If you don't want to, then don't. Make sure you feel good about it.

Do not put yourself into any bad/unsafe situations. Let a friend know where you are at. Things like that.

Okokok posted 7/9/2020 19:10 PM

So I think what I am trying to do is sexually liberate myself. I have only ever had 2 partners and I loved them both. I want to just experience sex because I want it, not because I love him or it's an expectation within a relationship. I want it to be mine.

You will have no problem doing this. Get on the apps, be honest and up front with potential partners, including I'd say how recent you are out of a relationship, and be safe!

Hedwig posted 7/12/2020 06:08 AM

Hey DecadeWasted, chiming in with a little experience on this topic.

I am now 3 months away from break-up and Dday was 1,5 years before that.

I would recommend you wait a little before heading into casual sex. I downloaded OLD apps 3 weeks after I ended it, in a drunk mood. Then I realized I was only doing it to fill a void and because I was lonely, so I waited some more. I did use the apps to talk to some people, just to get a refresher on how the hell to do that.

After three months I had a ONS and it felt good. I felt ready to do that, have effectively been NC with wexbf for 2 weeks now. I made sure not to spend too much time with the guy, no lovedovey stuff (he did grab my hand and interlaced his fingers with mine and after letting him for a couple of minutes, I took my hand back). No sharing of too much personal info, just enough to know you're safe and comfortable. I made sure it was on my turf, so no going back to his place or whatever. And of course making sure 1 or 2 friends know who you're with/where you're at.

Tbh, the sex was very disappointing! Part of that is because I was used to my wexbf, we were sexually very compatible and he was quite a good lover (aside from laziness and lack of effort at the end). Some people might say well, ONS, what can you expect? A person doesn't know you. Let me tell you, I've had casual sex before my relationship and some men have been outstanding that one and only night! This guy was just...bad. I still enjoyed it, because it felt empowering to be able to do this. So be prepared to be disappointed!

Also preferably don't do a sleep-over, it makes it less casual. And if you do sleep-over, no cuddling or sweet nothings you would say in a relationship. Keep it sexual, not intimate. Limit your alcohol intake or don't drink at all. Make sure you can make clearheaded decisions so you wont do anything you might regret later.