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Why is she stalling on the final step of divorce?

heartachenpain posted 7/7/2020 09:58 AM

It's been a while since I have posted here, mostly because nothing has changed since my previous posts. My stbxw is still with the man she left me for and supposedly happy as she can be. Truth be told I am still very much struggling with life without her. I believe mostly because there just wasn't any closure. So many unanswered questions that I will never get. Not only that but just doing everything without her that we used to do makes me always think of her and knowing my kids are suffering even though they are playing it off like they aren't kills me as well. I have had to see a Dr. and get put on anxiety and anti depression meds because I just couldn't take all this interfering with my job and basically everything else in my life. The meds help some but my heart is still broken. It's been 10 months since she's been with another man and I still can't seem to move on.

I believe part of the reason is her stalling on the divorce. She served me the petition at least 6 months ago. The divorce was uncontested and we both agreed to the terms of the divorce. For whatever reason she will not(or to my knowledge) has not filed the final papers to finalize our divorce. I just don't understand why? There is absolutely no reason to drag it out. I believe it would help me so much just to know that it is finally over. It feels like I am still holding on to hope of reconciliation even though she has been with someone else that long. It's pathetic I know,but I can't help but feel that way. This was a woman I loved more than anyone and never pictured myself here.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/7/2020 11:29 AM

If you have agreed on the terms, why can't YOUR attorney file the final paperwork? Is there anything you can do to end the delays?

Dealing with infidelity is very tough. Try to focus on your future. Maybe start planning a trip with your kids that you can look forward to. Even if it will take a while to save for. This type of thing really helped me to change my focus to positive things.

WheresMyBlanket posted 7/7/2020 14:47 PM

Sometimes they do this to have a backup plan in case her new relationship goes sour. Ruthless, I know, but the betrayers normally are. In the meantime, my suggestion is to focus on your healing. This is the most important thing you need to achieve. Create your own closure by accepting that this is your new reality. Do not wait for answers that may never come. Do not wait for justice or anything, just chop it off and be done with it. You need to adopt a new mindset. You are alone now but you can enjoy life even so. Appreciate every little thing, that you are healthy enough, you have enough to get by, simple things like fresh air, sun, cup of tea or coffee. Enjoy walks in the park, or travel even if all by yourself. Do not look at couples or compare yourself, or you will feel lonely again. If you develop that joy from within, whether you are alone or with someone, your life will be so much better.

taken4granted posted 7/7/2020 18:03 PM

I would urge you to do whatever you can to get the divorce finalized. Itís amazing how a piece of paper can free you and get you to stop wondering about the why and wishing that you could work it out. My ex dragged it out as long as possible. I was so happy when it was finally over.

ALotofHistory posted 7/7/2020 23:31 PM

Absolutely agree with others. Get the D done by yourself or your lawyer if need be, but don't wallow or stagnate. Move fwd even if only an inch a day. Yesterday is done. Tomorrow awaits the beginning of the next chapter.

...make it good.

Carissima posted 7/8/2020 02:04 AM

You say you've agreed the settlement but does her delaying filing take you being married over any significant timeframe?
Some jurisdictions will award spousal support for longer if you've been married longer than 10, 20 years etc. Be careful she's not dragging it out for something like that.

heartachenpain posted 7/8/2020 02:25 AM

Thank you all for the replies and great advice. To answer the first question I guess I havenít moved forward with the final divorce decree because divorce was never what I wanted and even though she filed it still felt/feels unreal so truthfully I have really just been praying for reconciliation even though she has moved on. Idk whatís wrong with me? Iíve never had trouble getting women but I still feel like I donít want any other woman. I feel like if I went on a date Iíd be disrespecting that woman because I still am not over my stbxw. At the same time I realize Iím just sitting around missing out on what I should be doing and thatís moving on as well.

Funny someone just mentioned a vacation I just took my children to FL. and we had a wonderful time. The only times I really got in my head was when I would head to the pier to fish and see all the couples holding hands and watching the sunset or out at dinner just seeing couples so in love. Iím just so lonely at this stage. Itís been almost a year and I still only work, do things with my children and really thatís it. Itís very hard to adjust to being single again. I had a previous relationship I was in with my sons mother for 5yrs or so and then almost instantly went into my relationship with my stbxw. We were just really good friends at first and then after a few months of that I realized I had falling in love with her. Anyway, I guess my point to all that is that I find it harder at my age now(mid 30s) to replace so easy as it was in my 20s. Most of my old friends are married and doing family things mostly or itís hard to find time to do things because I am basically raising my daughter full time and have no family here so itís hard to find a sitter. Maybe some of it sounds like excuses but it does seem difficult. I guess I just need more time and for this divorce to be finalized.

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/8/2020 08:19 AM

Seek out council from your lawyer on this, that's what you are paying the firm for. There is no reason for you to suffer her choices. She has been playing house with him for almost a year, there is no R. Rip off that band aid and start your healing process.

HappyCamperDude posted 7/8/2020 16:12 PM

Ya know, my XWW did almost the same thing. I started with an attorney and out of court process (pre-filing), as a last straw to wake her up. As someone said above, youíre the backup plan. Wether thatís a conscious or unconscious decision is often unclear.

Never be someoneís backup plan.

Often I feel like Iím dealing with a toddler when I interact with her. I can sympathize with how you feel, because sometimes I catch myself missing my XWW too. Getting the legal stuff on track can help with the longing of your marriage. But donít forget to give yourself some slack on your emotions.

I found the further along into the process I got, the more I could refocus my emotional energy.

I know youíve already heard this - but it DOES get better!

VinST posted 7/14/2020 12:24 PM

You wife has chosen someone else over you and your kids and you still hope?
Seriously dude.. I know it hurts but the longer you keep this up, you will never move on.

"This was a woman I loved more than anyone and never pictured myself here."

lets clear this up, the woman you loved is long gone and likely never was in the first place. Time to put some passion into yourself. you clearly need it sir! You esteemed your WW too highly. Get your Lawyer to file asap!

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