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Feeling small....and weak..

Lost2760 posted 7/10/2020 14:54 PM

Today has just been one thing after another today. Normally Iíd just shrug it off and tell myself tomorrow will be better I just need to get through today but, for some reason Iím intensely emotional. I blame lack of cigarettes lack of sleep and it being 6 days since D-day.

I thought I was doing so good yesterday. Yesterday was the first day since finding out that I picked myself up. Didnít obsess over it..I was productive went on a run, fed myself, showered, and deep cleaned the house, and looked up resources to help me just reinvent myself and get better. I thought I was starting to navigate away from the pain. But it reared itís ugly head today.

Well today.....all of that went down the drain. It just all these little stressors and things built up and what I hate the most....is my knee jerk reaction when Iím having a panic attack is to call him. He calms me down....and I realize if I choose to walk away which Iím leaning toward....I lose so much...I have relied on him for so long, and I guess itís just hitting me a small taste of life without him would look like. Iím scared to be on my own, scared Iím going to fail, not me good enough, not keep it together enough... like today I complete crumbled over a bunch of little stressors today...

I want to be better for myself. I hate that I rely on him more than I even realized til now..he was my rock. And I donít know if Iím strong enough to be alone. I had all the best intentions yesterday finding resources to help myself and I swore I would be strong and so things on my own without asking him if itís the right thing to do, without running to him when I need help. When something breaks around the house I want to figure out how to fix it on my own. I donít know who I am or how to live life without him and it hurts and scares me and Iím ashamed that Iíve relied on him soo much and Iíve lost so much of myself over the years.... I feel weak..and small...

I fee like I just canít stop crying today. Thank you for listening...

Outoflove2020 posted 7/10/2020 14:59 PM

Hey Lost

You are only on day 6, you are still in shock. You are going to be on an extreme rollercoaster for a long while yet. I don't think you can expect to be anywhere near 'normal' so early in the process. You have to take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself.

Drink water. Eat. Sleep. Cry. Journal. Whatever you need. But know it's completely normal to be feeling this way. Please don't beat yourself up over this. You are not weak or small. You are suffering from trauma. This is on HIM. This is not on you. HE did this. This is NOT your fault. You are left in this state because of him. Do whatever you need to do to feel even just a little bit better each day.

I'm six months out and I still have bad days. The last few days have all been bad days for me. But I know the good days will come back.

((hugs))

Lost2760 posted 7/10/2020 15:19 PM

Maybe it was unrealistic of me to think I could just turn around after this and make all the right healthy choices and just have it together but, I guess I didnít fully grasp the severity of how Iím affected and how long it takes to even start to feel ďnormalĒ. It makes me angry as if I didnít have enough shit to work on for myself now I get to add alllllllll this.

Iím sorry you have some bad days recently... I guess I donít know how to prepare myself for the extent of how this has affected me and cost me. The gravity of it all is crushing to think about.

Thank you for always listening and letting me randomly rant and word vomit my thoughts. :)

99problems posted 7/11/2020 05:13 AM

My WW was a rock to me as well. A rock that someone kept slamming into my head, trying to kill me. A rock tied to my ankle while I was drowning in the ocean. We do not need a rock. We need to be our own rock.

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