We’ve been separated for four months and the divorce is on the way. I’m getting everything I want in it. This past Friday was our 16th anniversary, and the first one we’ve spent apart. We had a twenty year relationship as best friends and spouses.
I cried every single day last week. I scheduled a visit with my counselor to discuss it, and that helped a bit.
Getting my heart to release her is a monumental task. My head is in the game—I pursued the separation and the divorce because I know I deserve better—but those emotions, memories, and desires for what once was and what could have been die so very hard. My counselor says the love may never die because I was fully invested, but it can become less painful or even a source of strength over time. I hope that’s right.
I can tell from our limited interactions that she is absolutely miserable, living with her mother now and dealing with car troubles and finances on her own for the first time. I took care of EVERYTHING, so she has a huge learning curve ahead of her. Part of me wants to say HAHA! while the other part wants to help. I don’t want to lean into either part. I just want to be DONE emotionally. I’m staying distant except in regard to the kids and money, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. It’s like amputating a gangrenous leg without sedation. It just be down to survive, but damn does it hurt!
I have a list of all the shit she’s done, starting with her affair five years ago and ending with the most recent lies she’s told, and her anger over being called on those lies. I read that list when the sadness gets too much to bear. Anger is a better emotion, and I’m entitled to it, but I still don’t want to live there forever.
I’m supportive of her relationship with our kids, but going forward I won’t be as verbal and as available as I have been. She can call me to find out what the week’s schedule looks like. She can inform me of her days off without me asking. They have phones now and can contact her anytime they please.
This just hurts so much. How strange is it to hate someone and love someone at the same time? To remember so many of the most joyous moments in your life were with that person at your side, but also to know that that person gave you the most excruciating experiences as well?
I know I’ll be ok. I’m focusing on me and my kids. I’ve lost over twenty pounds recently by changing some habits and exercising. I think a lot of the anxiety I’m feeling right now is also because I haven’t been able to get back out walking/jogging in the past week because of work and weather. I know what to do and how to do it to get through life. I’m just ready to do it without the albatross of pain, anger, and anxiety hanging about my neck.
What’s the time frame on healing from a separation/divorce? I know nobody can answer that question, but I thought I’d ask.
