Lighthousegrl posted 7/30/2020 23:10 PM

I need the strength to set forth motion ~of pending letter ~sent.
I’ve retained legal counsel, and hesitated on sending WH said letter of legal representation. Why?
Because I don’t want this. Exit affair lied gaslighted TT n deemed our relationship toxic.....”We were done n I should of not been surprised. “.....
Lied in counseling sessions x 3, cut n ran.
A year passes. Daughter pingpong between
He remains “friends” with exit affair thing.
He feels nothing. Has no remorse, no wonder on how I am nor care. 25 years
I equate myself to a flip flop that’s stepped in a pile of dog poo. Toss it away n replace, bc who in their right mind ~would clean THAT off.....,Toss n replace.
I’m so disappointed in myself. A year here and at times (random ) I feel my worth.
But just yesterday I held back on moving myself forward,
and held on to maybe. I said to lawyer “don’t send the letter of representation“.
And of course ......
Today
.....was predictably another discard.
I just don’t understand how and why I allow myself to become less than.
I asked my lawyer to wait til next week. Why why why.

I need strength to call it. Tomorrow. Direct my path.
Ugh.
WTH is my problem.

Hippo16 posted 7/31/2020 05:17 AM

fear of the unknown - something you have no experience with how life continues on

"Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway."

John Wayne (Marion Morrison)

homewrecked2011 posted 7/31/2020 06:19 AM

Hope this helps: In Alanon I learned that we get stuck bc we think we have to justify what we do...I learned in Alanon that we do not have to explain to anyone our actions. (This includes a drink or cheating spouse, our families, etc)..

As long as you know in your mind it’s the best thing for you, you can do it. You are done with him, he will never understand why you are D him, so remove yourself mentally from his entanglement, and physically. To not continue is to deny reality and put your head in the sand like an ostrich. Keep moving forward, stay in reality, stay in the day. You can do this.

Have the papers served, if he starts yelling, etc, do not say a word, just call the police.
Period. You deserve peace and getting away from all this will bring you mental peace.

hcsv posted 7/31/2020 08:06 AM

It makes it real, simple as that.

I had the letter sent that I had retained a lawyer before I filed and had him served. I wish I had not sent the letter, just filed.

It gave him time to get his ducks in a row by emptying our joint accounts and hiding assets.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/31/2020 09:17 AM

If you are going to file - I would say file and send the letter of legal representation concurrently and no sooner.

Here's the thing - you can ALWAYS dismiss a divorce complaint. So file it and let it go forward - his actions will tell you all you need to know.

You are clinging on because you feel ABANDONED...because you were. And that sucks. It's hurtful. I know - I've lived it too. But it also passes...and self-imposed limbo sometimes is worse than all the rest of it, because it is the one thing you can regret because it is something you are in control of.

So don't wait until tomorrow...do it right now. File and let the chips fall as they may. If things change you too can change, but get yourself out of this limbo now...it's time, and the fact you are writing what you did means you know it's time too. I know it's sad, but you've got to put one foot in front of the other. You have counsel so it should be a lot less work at the onset. I'm sorry you're here and I know it sucks - but do it for YOURSELF.

Lighthousegrl posted 7/31/2020 10:30 AM

Moving forward. Thank you SIers for the support.
Despite not wanting this, I find it odd-and predicted it -that it would be left up to me -to make it happen.

susielee posted 7/31/2020 10:30 AM

"If you are going to file - I would say file and send the letter of legal representation concurrently and no sooner."

I agree. In my case I made him file, though I had already retained a lawyer, lawyer put it on hold until my ex filed; which was about a week or so.

When I got the summons in the mail, I drove it to my lawyer, and he took it from there and told me to not discuss anything with him re: settlement. H tried, but I always referred him to lawyer.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/31/2020 12:34 PM

Oh don't I know this feeling too:

I find it odd-and predicted it -that it would be left up to me -to make it happen.

I felt like I had to do everything, which made me feel like either my WH didn't give a shit at all, or he was so emotionally stunted that he just couldn't handle it. I think it's more option 2 than 1, as it turns out, but ultimately it didn't matter. I had to make it happen or it wasn't going to, and since you know that too, you might as well go ahead and take the reigns.