Lifeexploded posted 8/17/2020 11:38 AM

Cross posted since not everyone has access to the Investigative Tips forum.

Long story, but I have a male friend, let's call him Mark, who is also recently divorced. His ex wife (let's call her Cathy) is CRAZY. Well, she found out that I am friends with Mark and sent me a fb message basically telling me to knock it off. We are just friends and I don't want any of her drama so I ignored her. Big mistake. The next day she called MY ex and told him that Mark and I were talking before our divorces were final. That's true but for F's sake, JUST FRIENDS.

Anyway, my ex told me that Mark told Cathy that I told him that my ex is a sex addict and that I'm on antidepressants. I did tell him these things. He swears up and down he didn't tell her. He also told me some things in confidence that he DEFINITELY doesn't want me to tell her. So to betray my confidence would be pretty stupid.

Here's the options:
A: He is lying and he did tell her.
B: My sister in law could be relaying information back to my ex. She and I were friends before we were ever married and are still friends. But I have to consider that anything is possible.
C: My phone could be bugged.
D: My car could be or was bugged.

I need to try to eliminate each of these possibilities. I could just reset my phone to factory settings and if there is a spy app on it that would get it off but I wouldn't know for sure if there ever was one.

If he had a recording device in my car, I am pretty sure he has it now since this stuff just came up. If he did, I think I know where he put it so I will keep an eye on that spot.

I need to think of something to tell my sister in law that I said to Mark (like a lie, not actually something I said to him) and see if it gets back around to my ex. If it does, then I'll know it was her. Any ideas?

Also, I need to tell Mark something, probably using Fb messenger on my computer, and then immediately delete it so my phone doesn't see it. If that gets back around to my ex then I'll know he is repeating stuff to his ex.

Any thoughts at all? I have been looking all through my phone. If I look at all of the apps, including system apps, there are over 500. I don't have time to search every one of those to see if they are a spy app.

Okokok posted 8/17/2020 11:45 AM

Any thoughts at all?

Initial thoughts are that A or B are most likely. C and D are less likely, but do your detective work just in case.

In the case of A or B...yeah, anything you say to *anyone* can get around one way or another.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/17/2020 12:22 PM

Most likely your confidence was betrayed. In fact that's about 99% likely - let's face it - few people are able to keep everything to themselves, even when they say they will.

I stopped telling any of my friends things that I was not okay with other people knowing - my group of friends have been friends since grade school. It's not that I don't trust them - I do - but I also know that if I tell one of them something concerning that they may talk to one of the others of our group (there are about 10 of us who are very close) out of concern. When I told 1 about the A, over the course of the next 6 months they all knew at least something about it. Who told who told who? IDK - but that's what likely happened here. In your case if you told the friend something you knew about his own situation..then what I said above is doubly likely.

Lifeexploded posted 8/17/2020 13:28 PM

On top of all this, the ex is telling people that I was the crazy one, that I made him take lie detectors, that he had an allowance (um I did too, but he wasn't allowed to have the debit card), that I wouldn't let him talk to women, have an accountability app on his phone, and if he talked to any woman at all he had to tell me.

Makes me look nuts right? Well, it's all true and it because of his cheating and sex addiction. These were rules given to us by our therapist to help him earn trust back. I see clearly now how dysfunctional all of that was and how codependent I was and that I should have just divorced him rather than deal with all that other stuff.

He's also been telling people that he still has to help me with stuff "all the time". Like I can't handle life without him or something. He hasn't helped me with much tbh. He did replace a window, but I didn't ask him to. He saw our daughter at the hardware store and asked what she was doing. She was getting a glass scoring tool. So then he INSISTED on replacing the window glass. He helped me go pick up a fridge when mine went out. I'm the one who PAID for it, he just did the heavy lifting. I could have and should have asked someone else. My car broke down out of town last week. I had the kids with me. I arranged and paid for a tow for my car, he came and picked us up. He refused gas money. So I don't really know what he's talking about. I'm not sure how best to handle it when people bring it up. I've just been saying something like "Yes, it was a dysfunctional relationship on many levels and we should have ended it sooner. Now that I'm divorced I am much happier and I hope he is too." Does that sound ok?

BearlyBreathing posted 8/17/2020 14:42 PM

I think Occam’s Razor is the answer here. You KNOW that people share secrets, especially with spouses.

As for your Ex, really really cut the ties. He’s your kids dad,so I get that. But put up your boundaries and then there won’t be any issues. He’s gonna spin it to make him look good (total cheater mentality) so dont expect otherwise.

Sorry he’s being a jerk. (And block friend’s ex wife on FB).

Lifeexploded posted 8/17/2020 17:55 PM

How do you cut ties? I am having a hard time with that. Can you give some examples of what some conversations should look like?

BearlyBreathing posted 8/18/2020 14:44 PM

It’s hard, LE.
But you need to set up boundaries- physical and emotional - and enforce them. No favors from him, he’s not your handyman or anything like that. (This was hard for me— exWH was VERY handy around the house). Dont let him have the privilege of helping you - -he will turn it to make him look good and you look like you are taking advantage of him. (Of course if there is an emergency and your kids are involved, there can be exceptions).

And conversationally, look up the gray rock way of communicating.

And just remember that he is a jerk and don’t worry about what he is telling others.

You’re doing great!

Anna123 posted 8/18/2020 17:36 PM

Can you give some examples of what some conversations should look like?

Ughh, it's tough after being used to just communicating. Example: "Yes, no, day, and time." You communicate basic facts on child exchange plans and anything legally required. That's it. No nuance here. No comments or opinions. No response to all the many things that will come up that you REALLY really want to respond to. It will feel unnatural at first. No announcements to him you are doing this. It's better to 'fade away' than for him to be on to you doing this as a choice.

They all tell people a bunch of BS after divorce. Smart people know this, the others don't matter. Current gossip gets old and forgotten quickly. If and when these people are with you, just be nice, upstanding, not gossipy, not a word about him.

As far as guy friend, if his wife doesn't like it, I would gently let him know it's best for you both to not talk. Almost always, the jealous wife has a reason, even if it's not you at all, something sets her off. If she has no reason and is super crazy, then best you are not part of his life anyway.

You sound like you were on your way to taking care of all of the things he helped with but he should not ever know when these things come up at all. Then there is no you having to say no to him. If you have to train the kids over time that Mom deals with it herself, they will adjust. Ex is loving this looking like the good guy btw.

Good luck.

taken4granted posted 8/19/2020 14:02 PM

It sounds like your friend may not have good boundaries with his ex.

I found that telling me ex that everything needed to be in text of email was the best way to handle things. I stopped picking up the phone when he called. And yes, he would try and get jabs in with emails and texts, but I would ignore those and only respond to things that concerned the kids. At this point, I really don't hear from him and it makes everything so much better. Perhaps you can tell your ex the same thing. It also gives you time to calm down or vent if he's being a jerk before you respond.