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Finally filed

dfdxb posted 8/28/2020 23:30 PM

After almost 12 months of fake reconciliation, a failed seperation and him refusing to divorce, I took matters into my own hands and filed last Wednesday.

I felt ill but also relieved and empowered that I'm taking control of my life.

If anyone is hesitating - you won't believe how much better it feels!

Just wanted to share xx

squid posted 8/28/2020 23:58 PM

Congrats! The first step is the toughest. It'll be as bumpy as he wants to make it.

Hang in there.

BearlyBreathing posted 8/29/2020 00:23 AM

Congratulations! Very strong and empowering! Day by day, you are reclaiming your life. Great job!

takethelongview posted 9/2/2020 10:25 AM

Yea, I did something similar...even though mine was a smaller step, it has made a difference in the way I think and feel, for the better.

skeetermooch posted 9/2/2020 10:34 AM

After almost 12 months of fake reconciliation, a failed seperation and him refusing to divorce, I took matters into my own hands

Congratulations dfdxb! I just filed yesterday after a year of false R too. Freedom here we come!!

Ripped62 posted 9/2/2020 10:48 AM


Westway posted 9/2/2020 13:09 PM

Congratulations and Godspeed.

betrayedafter20 posted 9/3/2020 09:37 AM

dfdsh thank you for your post

I am hesitating. We are in no way in reconciliation - but I think that WH thinks we will continue indefinitely in separation. It is to his advantage, for a few reasons including healthcare.

I know he will not be able to stand being alone much longer - so he will find someone - possibly FAP although I think she is rejecting him right now (she has OW guilt).

I've been doing very well emotionally partly because of that so I know when he is involved again I will struggle more.

So I know I need to end the marriage myself first- to take control - but I truly don't want to make his life difficult as a result - nor mine. As long as he thinks things are to his advantage as well - he is being generous with the finances. My fear is that when new AP comes along, his demeanor will become more defensive - that has been my experience in the past. So I need to get things set in place before that happens and he's still feeling guilty and generous..at the same time I think once things are on paper he will feel like he's being too generous...

It's not really about the money - we don't have much at all - but there is definitely a part of me that feels like I shouldn't have to struggle or make sacrifices I didn't before because he chose this path - that I paid my dues, tolerated his emotional abuse and worked hard all 20 years of our marriage - and so why should I be the one scrambling?

I think I will feel better when I plug in the numbers on the calculators that are available online for my state

But in the meantime I'm in this sort of uncertain limbo which I don't like. Your post is encouraging.

dfdxb posted 9/4/2020 15:41 PM

Betrayedafter20 believe me I was in limbo for the longest time and even now I have moments of doubt (he's being super nice and promising change etc) but I keep myself in check by talking to friends, therapy and reading stories on SI. I still love him but will never love him the same again. The damage is done. What I realize now that even if he does change and we reconcile - I just don't feel the same way about him. Our values are not aligned and it was one of the things I thought made us solid! I just don't think I can truly love someone who has no issues cheating and lying to his supposed soulmate.

He is still in denial and it's going to be a tough road but Im hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel x

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