betrayedafter20 posted 9/3/2020 20:34 PM

Been doing fine, I guess. Staying no contact for the most part. But something that is pissing me off is that it almost seems like STBX is going grey rock with ME. I mean, I'm getting one word answers, and thumbs up and thumbs down even with just the little I am texting always about the kids or our business. He is in counseling now so I wonder what filtered version of me he has given his counselor and if he was given that advice. Because he's not smart enough to do it on his own. It also could be he's responding to my lack of emotion - so he's trying to "beat me" at the game... he's never been chatty in texts anyway, so who knows. But I find it irritating. I want to be the one who is punishing him with silence..

A lot of things coming to the surface today - my mom's birthday so I stopped by to give her a gift - she's so happy to see me (I see her every week, she's 92) - stirred up emotions for me about her narc tendencies - she was a cheater on my wonderful dad, and I didn't know until I was an adult - and found out at age 30 that I was the AP's child. :( My sister has known since she was 14 and was shushed to cover up my mother's indiscretions - their relationship has never been good since. My sister said there are things she knows she will never tell me. And then I married a cheater - not even knowing. Subliminal?

Tomorrow I have an infusion at the chemo center. I'm not sick anymore - this is a drug I have every six months that is to help prevent osteoporosis that can be a result of the other preventative drugs I take. I don't do well with the infusions and experience anxiety because I had a traumatic experience with one of them during my other chemo treatments. Plus this particular drug makes you nauseaus, and so i am not looking forward to it. I am not looking for sympathy - bringing it up because these are the times that I seek out my WH in my fear and for comfort - it was the only time in the last several years that I truly felt loved and cared for - he really did take care of me during those types of days.

today I texted him to remind him that I had it tomorrow and to please stand by in case the kids needed anything during e-learning or after in case I was sick after treatment.

I got "OK". Gray rock??? Really? Not even "I hope it goes well, take care?"?? I'm not horribly upset, -just really can't believe it.

He did ask me the other day how everything was going with my reconstruction procedures.

But truth be told, I post it here because I won't tell him. I wanted to throw my arms around him, sob, and tell him I'm scared as always and please take care of me and I hate that I always have to deal with this stuff.

I'm really fine most of the time - it's just the day before/after procedures - because it's a reminder of all the trauma that I've tried to put behind me.

Feel sometimes, it's just not fair. All this stuff. And then the cheating. And then being mean to me when I was better. What the hell? When do I get to feel good??? Why did this happen? How could he turn away to another woman after supposedly having loved me so much during those times? I saw his tears, his love, his compassion (at least that's what it seemed like) then - what happened? I feel better - so now you need to go get some attention that you were such a hero for doing that?? POS. The OW's husband had cancer - she was a hero too, apparently. So they comfort each other. Disgusting.

Even before she knew he had an A, his mother feeds it to him. She had a horrible first husband so she was always saying what a good guy he is compared to him, that she knew he could be mean but I should deal with it because he could be so much worse, and we have a nice life compared to her (she was poor).. ugh.

I still do feel like because he was there since the beginning of my cancer journey - no one else will ever understand the intimacy of those times we shared. I did feel like he was my husband then - and feel like I couldn't have done it without him. He wasn't actively in the affairs during those times - so he was present.

Until he wasn't anymore.

Superesse posted 9/3/2020 22:56 PM

(((Betrayedafter20))) I just wanted to send you a cyber hug, and say that I also had that kind of experience when I was hospitalized this spring, had a close call, and my SAWH seemed Finally to really be there for me, taking me to the ER, waiting patiently for hours, bringing things to my hospital room, and I could tell he was genuinely relieved when he came and got me and drove me home. Similarly, 2 years ago when I had a Colon Cancer scare, he drove me halfway across the country to a top medical center, and got me through the worst of that, too. He seemed to love and care the most for me when I've physically been in trouble....I wondered about that, but I truly thought, after all the hell of 18 years of IHS, at last I had someone in my corner. Then, a month ago, I stumbled onto evidence I've been completely misled - for the third (and final) time in 23 years of marriage.

No answer for why they do this, but I too sought out my SAWH for his ability to comfort me in my pain and fear, even after knowing he had betrayed me. I guess when we are desperate, that is a very natural response? Yet it is sad...my need for that comfort, and his caring at that time, in that circumstance, somehow misled me into believing he and I were more of a team than we really are.

So, here is some support and hope that all goes well for you!

betrayedafter20 posted 9/4/2020 10:01 AM

Thank you Superesse. I am glad to hear you are okay and sorry you were hospitalized in the spring. I've been thinking about this some more. Almost as though I'm trying to convince myself he did not care for me during those times - that somehow it was selfishly motivated - because otherwise it is utterly confusing.

I wonder if there is a panic that they won't know how to do anything for themselves if something happened to us. Or that they want us to hurry up and get better so they can get back to having their fun.

When we see tears in their eyes though - what is that??? Am I completely delusional that I saw love in those moments? Were they tears of guilt? Perhaps.

I have to leave in a few minutes and will be glad when this next 48 hours is over so I can move on emotionally from this moment

Superesse posted 9/4/2020 17:11 PM

betrayedafter20: hope your infusion went OK and with no dreary side effects.

How I wish I could answer your poignant question! Let's see: we are all stand-ins for their mothers? Or: they have split personalities? Or....or...Don't even try. It'll just drive you crazy. It has me...but I know exactly what you are saying.