Been doing fine, I guess. Staying no contact for the most part. But something that is pissing me off is that it almost seems like STBX is going grey rock with ME. I mean, I'm getting one word answers, and thumbs up and thumbs down even with just the little I am texting always about the kids or our business. He is in counseling now so I wonder what filtered version of me he has given his counselor and if he was given that advice. Because he's not smart enough to do it on his own. It also could be he's responding to my lack of emotion - so he's trying to "beat me" at the game... he's never been chatty in texts anyway, so who knows. But I find it irritating. I want to be the one who is punishing him with silence..
A lot of things coming to the surface today - my mom's birthday so I stopped by to give her a gift - she's so happy to see me (I see her every week, she's 92) - stirred up emotions for me about her narc tendencies - she was a cheater on my wonderful dad, and I didn't know until I was an adult - and found out at age 30 that I was the AP's child. :( My sister has known since she was 14 and was shushed to cover up my mother's indiscretions - their relationship has never been good since. My sister said there are things she knows she will never tell me. And then I married a cheater - not even knowing. Subliminal?
Tomorrow I have an infusion at the chemo center. I'm not sick anymore - this is a drug I have every six months that is to help prevent osteoporosis that can be a result of the other preventative drugs I take. I don't do well with the infusions and experience anxiety because I had a traumatic experience with one of them during my other chemo treatments. Plus this particular drug makes you nauseaus, and so i am not looking forward to it. I am not looking for sympathy - bringing it up because these are the times that I seek out my WH in my fear and for comfort - it was the only time in the last several years that I truly felt loved and cared for - he really did take care of me during those types of days.
today I texted him to remind him that I had it tomorrow and to please stand by in case the kids needed anything during e-learning or after in case I was sick after treatment.
I got "OK". Gray rock??? Really? Not even "I hope it goes well, take care?"?? I'm not horribly upset, -just really can't believe it.
He did ask me the other day how everything was going with my reconstruction procedures.
But truth be told, I post it here because I won't tell him. I wanted to throw my arms around him, sob, and tell him I'm scared as always and please take care of me and I hate that I always have to deal with this stuff.
I'm really fine most of the time - it's just the day before/after procedures - because it's a reminder of all the trauma that I've tried to put behind me.
Feel sometimes, it's just not fair. All this stuff. And then the cheating. And then being mean to me when I was better. What the hell? When do I get to feel good??? Why did this happen? How could he turn away to another woman after supposedly having loved me so much during those times? I saw his tears, his love, his compassion (at least that's what it seemed like) then - what happened? I feel better - so now you need to go get some attention that you were such a hero for doing that?? POS. The OW's husband had cancer - she was a hero too, apparently. So they comfort each other. Disgusting.
Even before she knew he had an A, his mother feeds it to him. She had a horrible first husband so she was always saying what a good guy he is compared to him, that she knew he could be mean but I should deal with it because he could be so much worse, and we have a nice life compared to her (she was poor).. ugh.
I still do feel like because he was there since the beginning of my cancer journey - no one else will ever understand the intimacy of those times we shared. I did feel like he was my husband then - and feel like I couldn't have done it without him. He wasn't actively in the affairs during those times - so he was present.
Until he wasn't anymore.