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Didn't Expect This...

Triples posted 9/8/2020 09:39 AM

So, going thru the D process has been anything but predictable for me! Since November 17, 2019 (confirmation day)I have been getting things in order-still have much to do. However, I did three things: 1. Retained the best lawyer around 2. Opened up my own checking account 3. Secured a rental home. In all three cases my STBXWW blew the hell up! She snooped to find out all of this-I didn't come out and tell her (which is alarming in its own right). I mean she's the one that created this mess, and she cannot believe that I am doing these things. I get nasty text messages, I get awful looks, I get threatened (custody mostly), and on two occasions, she became physical with me. The only thing I want is closure to this hell and to move on with my life and my kids. How have some of you dealt with this?

Lalagirl posted 9/8/2020 11:21 AM

Hi Triples,

I assume you are in-house separated.

Ignore the text messages.

Ignore the dirty looks.

Inform your attorney of her custody threats; they probably hold no water. Ignore her threats.

Next time she gets physical with you, call the police, let her ass sit in a jail cell for a spell. Bet she will never lay a hand on you again.

Hang in there, Triples - and don't let her assholery weaken your resolve.

Triples posted 9/8/2020 11:34 AM

Thanks Lala-
Yes, my attorney advised that I stay put (in the name of not conceding anything-particularly the kids/custody). It's dreadful going thru this. I have been able to ignore, but at times it is impossible! I do plan on calling the police if she ever gets physical again.
I would never have imagined that she could be/get so nasty!
I did hear that she and her bf may be on the outs, so I may be a target?
I have been concentrating on making sure my kids know that they are loved and are safe.

barcher144 posted 9/8/2020 12:11 PM

Uh, yeah. This happens. Pretty common, really.

The same personality 'quirks' that lead a spouse to cheat... also tend to lead them to blame everyone else for just about everything.

The best thing that you did is get a good lawyer. I am on my third and the damage done by my first two lawyers is substantial.

Absolutely document the domestic abuse. That can be very important for determining custody. The specific issue is that the courts want to avoid a situation in which Parent A intimidates Parent B into making decisions. This is not iron-clad. My STBXW accused me of numerous acts of domestic violence (mostly falsely -- I had some mental health issues after D-day), but the custody evaluator determined that all of it was "situational" and that my STBXW was in no way intimidate by me (I have plenty of evidence of that!).

Something to watch out for... and this is important... is parental alienation. I recommend that you do a google search for Craig Childress and the Pennsylvania legislature. It is a video about an hour long and it is VERY informative. Parental alienation is VERY difficult to prove in court (my custody evaluator didn't think that it was happening in spite of some VERY OBVIOUS events), so it's best if you get out in front of it sooner than later.

The only thing I want is closure to this hell and to move on with my life and my kids.

Sorry to be so honest, but strap in and get ready... you might be in for a very long and bumpy ride.

taken4granted posted 9/8/2020 14:39 PM

Has she been served with divorce papers yet? If she hasn't she might get even more angry then. Be prepared for all hell at that point. I'm glad you already hired a lawyer.

My EXWH started a smear campaign and had me almost afraid of my own shadow at one point.

Make sure to document everything. I had to call the police when my EX threw a tablet at my face because he was escalating. I didn't press charges even though it left a black eye, but the courts still considered it with a restraining order. Also, think about anyone that witnesses her agression that you may need to testify if things get ugly.

I got a guardian at litem to protect the kids. For a long time, he didn't even have overnight visitations and even now, he still doesn't get them on any school nights thanks to the parenting coach he had to work with.

HalfTime2017 posted 9/8/2020 15:17 PM

Go get a VAR buddy. If she is physical or threatens you, you have proof. The cops are not friendly to the guys in most cases. they will believe the women over you. SO go get a VAR.

As for her snooping around, you know you're in for a fight during D. You better start looking over your Tech/passwords and stuff. I know my ex and her AP were tracking and reading text messages from my and the BS, b/c the AP installed tracking and snooping software on the BSs phone. Don't put this pass your WW.

Go and wipe your phone. Don't keep anything of importance at home if you are IHS, go and rent a safety deposit box at a bank.

As for her looks, just ignore. As for her text and nasty messages, save all that for the D. If she is threatening you with custody, you def. want that to show the Judge. She will be loosing on that front. No judge wants that shit to happen under their watch. And if you have proof that she became physical with you, you would be able to get primary custody. She would be deemed unsafe and unfit.

Westway posted 9/8/2020 16:00 PM

Don't call the cops on her, as they will most likely arrest you instead. Take pictures and document the attacks, then turn those over to your lawyer.

Butforthegrace posted 9/8/2020 16:28 PM

Keep a detailed daily diary of her shenanigans. Eventually, you can use it in the custody hearing, etc.

Triples posted 9/9/2020 07:49 AM

Thanks to you all. Yes, I kept all the "threatening" text messages. My kids have been the witnesses to the physical stuff-so super sucks. I'm at such a loss-it breaks my heart for DS and DD (13 and 11). We didn't sign up for this! I should've walked 3 years ago.

smolderingdark posted 9/11/2020 04:53 AM

You didn't expect this and your wayward wife didn't expect you would blindside her by taking action to leave her. She has lost all control over you and the narrative. That is why she is angry and violent. Keep a VAR voice activate recorder on your person at all times. You should not be surprised if she makes false allegations of abuse or violence against you. There are are also discreet portable cameras that you can find on amazon. Some of these should discreetly make their way into your home.

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