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First date coming up

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Hurtingnconfused posted 9/23/2020 00:41 AM

So I’m going on a first date this weekend. We’ve been texting and talking on the phone since the 10th. No red flags .,,, None! I’m on his Facebook so double checked and triple checked everything he’s said. He’s a self proclaimed “shy nerd” and a “Christian.” Again checked that. He has posts interspersed in his Facebook about church and nerdy things. We’ve talked about EVERYTHING and know each others story including “triggers.”

He’s only been with 2 women his whole life and seems very wholesome. Respects my boundaries and makes sure he’s careful with them. Worried I’m gonna blow it!

JanaGreen posted 9/23/2020 07:37 AM

Good luck! What's the plan?

Freedom2013 posted 9/23/2020 08:08 AM

Such an exciting time!! Don't rush things and just enjoy getting to know one another. I'll be checking back to hear your plans.

barcher144 posted 9/23/2020 08:23 AM

Good luck! Relax and be yourself.

He sounds like a nice person. The funny thing is that a lot of women have learned that a "nice guy" is not an actual nice guy. It's almost as if "nice guy" is code for narcissistic asshole.

That said, there are genuinely nice people out there. I'd like to think that I am one.... my GF would agree most of the time (not right now, we just had a fight).

Hurtingnconfused posted 9/23/2020 09:03 AM

He was going to drive to my home town and spend a few days, checking out museums and stuff. Was going to cook dinner too. Logistics worked better if I went to his home town so setting up tours of things to do there. He’s a “researcher” of everything so already planning things.

My Exwh was a “nice guy” so I know all those vibes and games. Keep screen shotting some of our conversations to my daughter to make sure I’m not putting blinders on. She also doesn’t see anything. Soooo excited!

twicefooled posted 9/23/2020 09:04 AM

I finally met a man that lives his principles and is exactly who he appears to be. We also have friends in common, so I made sure to do some sleuthing before meeting up with him.

You won't blow it if you live your authentic self - and if he doesn't love your authentic self then he isn't the one for you.

Best of luck, first dates are so much fun :)

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/1/2020 20:41 PM

So first date did not happen, I got sick with flu like symptoms but of course quarantined due to my job until I was cleared. Talked on the phone every night for hours and hours! We have talked about every possible issue: religion, finances, child rearing, house hold roles, sexuality, everything, even the dreaded politics! We know each others back story and have read each others Facebook from start to finish and asked questions when it was evident something painful happened but no details were posted.

Supposed to have it this weekend, and again, because of my job, I am back in quarantine. One of the things he said to me was "I cant wait to meet you, I just want to hug you and kiss you on your forehead." I just melted into a puddle cuz forehead kisses is what I do for people I really care about and are close to. An affectionate thing that has nothing to do with sex.

We Facetime a lot so I know know his routine pretty well and I think his dog recognizes my voice. He cooks from hand written recipe cards! This last weekend he gave me the link to his church so we could attend online together and we had a conversation about it afterwards and it is part of our nightly conversation on one topic or another. I was raised Catholic and kinda got away from it but this had been nice.

So, he had one comment when I told him I didnt think I could safely come to visit. He blushed and looked away, usually that is a sign he is being shy. I asked him what he wanted to tell me, he told me he has been anxious about our first kiss and now it is going to be put off further. I must have looked really confused as he told me he really wanted our first kiss to be perfect so now he has to worry about it more. Then he really blushed to the tips of his ears! Who thinks things like that??

I have to say, there are no uncomfortable silences anymore. This is either going to be the most amazing thing I have ever experienced because we are so polar opposites or it is going to blow up in our face. Our morals and values are right on the money for everything BUT he is an uber nerd and super smart. I am a Social Worker so my "smarts" is people. Im by no means dumb, but I dont get excited when the 51 page voters manual comes to the house either! He's excited, he said it was "light reading"

ok people, Im not seeing any red flags. Im, in his words "a smitten kitten." He calls me that then blushes. Im afraid its true and I havent seen him in person. Thoughts? can you be smitten for someone you havent met in person yet?

Adlham posted 10/7/2020 03:03 AM

Sooo...
I met my husband on a nerdy Tolkien fansite. We have been married for 17 years now. And still going strong!

So yes, you can definitely be smitten with someone's mind even though you haven't met in person yet.

EvenKeel posted 10/7/2020 07:36 AM

ok people, Im not seeing any red flags.
Most times people are on their best behavior those first six month (+/-). It isn't because they are hiding anything, it is just most folk's nature.

Now if red flags were blaring already; it would be mega concerning.

So do not think no red flag is alarming at this point.

Usually around six months, you will see more of the rest of them. That doesn't mean something bad is coming, that means folks have habits others might find annoying, etc.

This is good...you WANT to find out what those things are so you can decide if they are acceptable to you.

My advice right now is just slow down and ENJOY this magical phase!!! It has only been a month.

It is easy to get struck online. But sometimes in person you don't click. I know that sounds crazy, but it happens. Chemistry is weird. I know I had a guy I met OLD and he checked all the boxes, but then we meet and nothing.

I am NOT trying to throw a wet blanket on ya...really. CAUSE I have a guy that was the opposite - chemistry online and in person...wow !!!! So may this guy be everything you want and more.

Just want you to be prepared in all ways.

Keep us updated and again....ENJOY!!!!

(PS - Yeah you!)

twicefooled posted 10/7/2020 07:47 AM

Anticipation can be delicious, can't it?

I've fallen hard for someone I haven't known all that long and it's out of my character to do so (the walls I have up are 20ft tall usually). However, I'm also older and wiser this time around when dating and took my time multi-dating up until now.

I will always be a "trust but verify" person. I'm not even talking about actively looking to verify but I also don't want to visit my insecurities on an amazing guy.

Enjoy this time, it's so fleeting. And whether you pursue this or not, you are WORTH having some fun and company <3

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/13/2020 22:48 PM

Well it happened!! Quite by accident! I was in the other side of the state and my plans fell through. I was upset anyway so figured I'd "get this over with" thinking its too good to be true. Asked him if he wanted me to come to him instead of heading home. It was the same distance. He said he's working right now, but "sure!"

I got to his town 10 minutes before he got off work. No time for him to hide anything. Got to his house and it was cluttered but not dirty. We had not planned anything since it was last minute and it was late. It's obvious he takes care of things he values. His dog has 5 dog beds around the house so she will always be comfortable.

He made popcorn and we watched a movie. It was comfortable, relaxed and no awkward silences. Within 20-30 minutes he pulled me up against his side and started feeding me popcorn while we watched. Talked and watched the movie till we both fell asleep. I am usually stiff and standoffish with people and HATE to be touched. It was sweet and felt natural.

Next morning I told him to do his morning routine so he took me at my word. Listened to his church while getting ready for work. Made brunch and checked my preferences. He plays Christian music on Sunday's so after both sermons, he has a play list. Made sure I was comfortable and we chatted as he is doing his thing. Took me on a tour of his town and pointed out things that he thought I would like.... and mentioned the different places where a Social Worker like myself might like to work. He blushed and was very endearing how he said it. took the dog for her walks and held my hand the whole time.

He's exactly as advertised. Considerate, shy, NERDY, smart!! likes details and routine, affectionate, he cooks and cleans, and is looking for a long term relationship. Talked all through the day until he had to go to work.

He is coming to my home town tomorrow for his off days. He is already making tenative plans for the future, stating "If we are still together in May, my son's graduation is...."

I have never been with someone I have not had to "fix." I literally will pick ones that have issues as I was co-dependent and felt needed. He has none that that I can see. No drugs, he doesnt drink except on rare occasions, he cooks, he cleans, he has good relationships with his family and kids and his ex. He has a career... not just a job, he budgets and he has plans!!

My only concern? He has routines and I am, well, more take things as they come! I think we will be a nice balance! Crossing my fingers that tomorrow will be great as well

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/16/2020 23:42 PM

Ok “date” number two -face to face- although he laughs and says we’re on like 36 because of all the calls n face timing over the last month n a half,

He came here, very nice, very sweet. He seems like one of those really nice guys everyone overlooks. It’s so strange, no red flags but quirky. He packs for any eventuality ... snow shoes, pants, heavy gloves and the spiky things you put On Your shoes. He did an inspection on his car and topped everything off. I’m very get in n go, He’s methodical. He’s sharing our pictures together with his friends n family.

Soooooo. I’m thinking that if it leads anywhere, I will be spoiled and things will be taken care of. It won’t be me handling everything! But, my biggest concern now is, will I be bored? There’s no drama, He’s basic, likes his routine. He is SO LOGICAL. He is practical and thinks. I’m not used to that

So? Thoughts? I’m not in a rush but he looked me in the eyes and told me he was falling for me. He’s so gentle and naive, I don’t want to hurt him if I’m not sure. Nice way to tell him to slow down?

Palmetto9213 posted 10/17/2020 09:39 AM

Hurtingnconfused, I can't give you my thoughts because I'm struggling with the same scenario....lot's of talking on the phone, texting, one face to face date and things are going well, but.....

He seems like one of those really nice guys everyone overlooks.

I don't want to pass on what COULD be a great thing but I don't want to settle for boring and predictable either, and I don't want to lead him on...

twicefooled posted 10/17/2020 10:35 AM

"I don't want to pass on what COULD be a great thing but I don't want to settle for boring and predictable either, and I don't want to lead him on..."

I so understand this sentiment and I'm checking my gut as I go along. I, too, have a history of picking exciting over stability and it shows in my dating history. When I was dating again this summer, I decided to do it more methodically and think with my head more than my heart.

I listed to a podcast that was recommended on here, and it was exactly what I needed. I started making a list of my "must have" "nice to haves" and "deal breakers" As soon as a date waved a red flag, I stopped seeing them no matter what my heart told me.

I'm currently dating someone that checked off all of the "must haves" (things like MUST be an involved father, MUST have a career, MUST be kind to others, MUST be a lifelong learner) and most of my "nice to haves" (nerdy like me, loves watching the sky (him and I sit for hours just watching the clouds or the stars and talking). My goal was a long term partner so things like "boring" and "predictable" scream "stability" to me.

I think that letting things get boring is a relationship issue, not necessarily a character trait. It's something 2 people can work on through communication.

Long story short, don't discount what you have but also don't settle. If your heart and head truly say "move on" then don't give it a second thought.

Just be upfront along the way and no one gets hurts or led on.

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/17/2020 11:53 AM

Palmetto and twicefooled, thanks.

I am struggling with this! He’s the type to fall fast and fall hard. He is SO nice. He’s already talking “future”. He looks deep into my eyes and tells me he spends a lot of time thinking about what our life would be like together, then blushes.

Several drawbacks, he’s in a specialized field so I would have to move to him, Again, I’m not in a rush but he is so innocent and pure and he wants to be loved. Reading between the lines, he was chumped and hard. No wife goes out every weekend for years ..... and her best friend always pays. So it’s dawning on him that he got taken for a ride for his money and position. And she moved in with some guy pretty quickly.

The thought of having an equal partner is so intriguing. And it would be equal. The thought of knowing he’s on the couch watching news or sports or Pokémon Go instead of snuggling at bed time is a little off putting

WhatsRight posted 10/17/2020 14:30 PM

I am definitely not in a new beginning nor am I looking for one, so why am I here you might ask, and what the hell do I know?

But after reading your thread, a couple of things come to my mind.

1. It is not best to be a mirror image of someone… Opposite people in every area.

2. Neither is it best to be exactly the same.

3. Some nights him watching Pokémon Go (whatever that is) on the couch while you’re snoozing might not be a bad thing.

4. Tell him EXACTLY what you’re feeling.

5. Slow down. Enjoy every minute of the freshness of a new relationship without a bunch of decision making factors for the future getting in the way. Tell him you need/want to just have fun and get to know him very very well before you start thinking about the future.

If that is off putting to him, then that could be an area to think about.

One other question… Is the emphasis he has with his faith, the sermons, the music… Is it offputting to you in anyway? I ask simply to note that anything that is offputting upfront while the relationship is exciting and new… Well, it could be a source of irritation later on.

Case in point… I am so outgoing and talkative, and my H is not. When we first met, the difference was quaint. His sweet smile and shrug of the shoulders was cute. Now it makes me want to smother him with a pillow! Just sayin’.

Anyway...Have fun!!!

steadychevy posted 10/17/2020 19:38 PM

I suggest you read "Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" by Levine and Heller.

Those who have a secure attachment style may seem boring. No or little drama. Steady as she goes. Secure and steady.

He might not be the real deal but he might be the precious stone most didn't notice. Hope, for you, he is the latter.

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/18/2020 10:55 AM

Thank you! I will do that. He’s endearing and sweet and at least for now, exactly what I need. Just hope that he’s also getting something he needs

Hurtingnconfused posted 10/21/2020 00:34 AM

Headed to his house for a long weekend This weekend knowing it’s snowing out and we’ll be stuck in his house. Decided we’d see how we do together doing our “normal” routine. Both home bodies so it Shouldn’t be bad. Sent me a text today outlining how special I am to him. Melted! It listed compassionate and empathetic, open minded and sweet! Who says stuff like that! Had a conversation that was uncomfortable for me (medical) and it was dealt with immediately and he asked that I never be uncomfortable sharing.

The week after that he is teleworking from MY house for the whole week. He knows I have to work on my house to sell it, so he’s bringing painting clothes. So, I go to work all day and we work again at night to finish this beast.

Guys.... he’s just amazing... his quirks are coming out... he’s silly snd fun and oh-so stuffy to start with, then he gets going!

twicefooled posted 10/21/2020 07:59 AM

Sounds like fun!!!

My nerdy date this weekend includes drinking tea, singing along to all the 90s songs (both 90s teens) and building a Lego of the International Space Station :)

After we do that we normally go outside and watch the stars for hours.

Make sure you are up front in what you will do/won't do in terms of the future. For me, I was up front that I will not cohabitate with anyone until my kiddos have finished highschool (my youngest just started this year). My guy has kiddos slightly younger than mine. He had mentioned "living together in the future" so I let him know that I have no interest in living with other people's children (even if I end up loving them, which is probably what will happen) but that in the future when he needs a break he can come to my quiet oasis :) It didn't turn him off at all, he completely understood and thanked me for keeping him grounded in reality :)

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