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Heading towards Divorce

ResilientSoul posted 12/12/2020 08:39 AM

Wow, even typing up the word divorce was hard. Iíve been on SI for a while now after I found out that my husband cheated on me in April. At the time, our baby was 10 months old and he abandoned us and left to be with his 19 year old affair partner, mind you he is 34. Itís been a complete shit show since then. He got an apartment and only saw the baby on the weekends, I tried to get him back but he was so mean and so cruel. There was absolutely no remorse and everything was always my fault. I talked to his family and after four months, he said he wanted to try to reconcile for the sake of our son and his family. I shouldíve known that wasnít a good idea, he went NC with AP and we went to counseling, but he was always distant and emotionally disconnected. He said the right things but it never matched his actions. I still hung onto the hope. I tried to be the perfect wife and change everything he said contributed to his affair. For example, not listening to him, going out more. But every time I tried to speak up about how I felt or what I needed from him to feel safe, it was always threatened with, I donít want this marriage. I was walking on eggshells for the last three months. He went to IC because he said he was so depressed and wanted to commit suicide. He ended up using therapy against me by saying hurtful things to me and saying that his therapist said I have to tell you the truth even if it hurts you, but in the most condescending tone. I felt so emotionally abused. I asked him for more calls to feel safe and he went off the handle and said he needed time to think, and the story repeats itself. He ignores me for days and reaches out when HE is ready to talk. He was always like that even when DDAY happened, he ignored me for months until he was ready to talk. Very conflict avoidant person but almost manipulative because he knows the silent treatment kills me. Last night I received a long TEXT message from him saying how it was his fault for cheating but heís been unhappy with me for a while and heís been trying to regain love for me and itís not there. He wants to get a divorce and wants it to be amicable for our 1 year old son. My heart was prepared but not. How could he TEXT me asking me for a divorce?! After 12 years together (married for 3), and a baby, you TEXT me this? So I called him to talk about it and he doesnít answer. At least give me the opportunity to speak to you. He doesnít so I go to his place and talk to him only to be met with IM NOT TALKING TO YOU ABOUT IT NOW, Iím going to talk about it with you later. Again...when heís ready. And thatís not okay so I said no. I cried and asked him what I did wrong and he said heís doesnít know exact reasons and heís working with his therapist on it but he knows he tried to tell me but I never listened. And i told him he never REALLY told me seriously or I wouldíve listened. And he said thatís his fault because he didnít communicate it with me. It all sounds good when I type it but I was soooo hurt because throughout this whole conversation, there was no emotion from him. He just said he fell out of love and thatís it. And although he accepts the blame but still blames me, thereís just no real sadness. It just hurts because after 12 years of being together, even if you fell out of love, how is there no sadness for the HURT you have caused me? How are you so emotionless about divorce? And I asked him and he says Iím done feeling ashamed and guilty, Iíve felt it ever since you found out and Iím done. Ohh so YOU get to be done with the SHIT that you put me through. You didnít look so ashamed in your new apartment going in fancy dates with your 19 year old slut. Iím devastated. His parents who Iím close to also told us to stop talking about it, we tried, and it didnít work so stop. And there I saw, his own parents donít know how to TALK through problems, which is why him and his siblings all have problems with talking through their problems. Theyíve all cheated on their wives too. Itís a family issue and itís way beyond me. Iím so hurt and Iím so devastated and I keep replaying all the stuff I COULD have done and why didnít I listen more or why didnít I do this or that? But I need to keep reminding myself that heís a grown man and I canít get punished for not reading his mind. Itís so hard and my emotions are all over. On top of that I KNOW I have to be a good co parent for my sons sake but Iím just so hurt. I will never take him away from his father, but it just hurts that on top of all of this, I need to be a good and mature adult about co parenting. Sorry for the long vent, Iím still in shock. Relief and shock because Iím glad Iím not hoping for R anymore, it was all just false. I know I wasnít perfect but I didnít deserve to be cheated on and discarded like this. I felt like I just had a baby and was abandoned soon after. This isnít the life I ever imagined and he was a good guy but thatís not who he is anymore. Any advice or just success stories after divorce would be helpful.

phmh posted 12/12/2020 10:41 AM

Check out the fear vs. reality post stickied at the top of this forum. All of us had fears, and 99%, if not 100%, of us found that we were happier after our divorces than we were with our WXS.

You are in the worst part right now, but it will get so much better.

And some year in the future, you will be so happy that you took these hard steps now to maintain your self-respect and to model for your son proper behavior.

You've got this.

Chili posted 12/12/2020 10:53 AM

Ah ResilientSoul:

I've been thinking about you the last several months, wondering how you were doing.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. When you said earlier in the year that you were giving it another go, I crossed my fingers, but at that point, you hadn't written anything that presented him as a good candidate for R.

One thing seems consistent to me - that he has difficulty sitting in his own crap. And shame. And emotions. I'm really sorry that he is such a coward.

He has really put you through the ringer this past year - right on the heels of having a new baby at home. That's a big big mountain to climb back up from the gutter and you know - he just may not have it in him. And I don't mean just to make the marriage work, but to own the pain he has caused you and your baby.

I know how that feels. A ton of us here in this forum who have been divorced know how that feels. And it really stinks to not have our hurt and questions ever acknowledged.

But his parents are right on the front that you should quit talking to him (but not for the reasons they think - I suspect they just want the noise and conflict to stop because they can't handle it either). You should quit because you're just beating your head against the wall with someone who is acting like a piece of shit. He is not (at least at this point) able to be decent. And that leaves you hurting and confused. And I know you don't want to hear this, but he may never be able to be decent and address everything he did.

Time to move into self protection mode.

You can be a fabulous co-parent by being polite and honest but at the same time putting up the biggest boundary and wall anyone has ever seen. Let him run around chasing his own tail or emotions or whatever it is he's doing.

Be frosty - don't let him into your head and emotions any longer. He doesn't deserve them. Reserve those for people who are kind human beings.

So - to ask the question I always seem to ask you - what are you doing for yourself? What kind of armor are you putting on to protect you and your son? Have you consulted an attorney? Are you getting your own therapist? Are you asking for help in caring the baby still so you have some hours to yourself? Is he back in his apartment? If not, when is he going?

I know how awful this is - hope you will keep posting and find a way to get all that ickiness out of your body.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/12/2020 12:58 PM

Hi RS ó sorry your WH has not pulled his head out of his ass. Heís sounds amazingly immature and selfish. I agree itís time for you to double down on protecting your precious heart and that of your child.
What is your support system IRL? Are you in IC?
Re-read the 180 and gray rock. Detach detach detach. This will help with the walking on eggshells and anxiety and help your heart and brain get some needed space from him.
Donít stress on co-parenting. Parallel parenting works too. Whatís most important is that you are the wonderful stable loving parent that you already are, and you need to be happy and healthy to do that best. Take care of you.
See a lawyer, gets your ducks in a row. Taking active steps can feel powerful and help propel you forward.

Hang in there- -you deserve better and your future is going to be great. Sucks right now, but you are going to be okay.

Stronger4it posted 12/12/2020 15:55 PM

He texted you that he wanted a Divorce?

Hun, that's all you need to know about him.

Communication is one of the most important things in a good marriage. His lack of this skill is genetic.

He's making shit up that his IC told him to tell you. Clearly bullshit that he is thinking. He sounds really mean.

ResilientSoul posted 12/12/2020 17:14 PM

Thank you so much guys for your words of advice! I am incredibly grateful for this forum especially during this hard time. Thank you @chili for following my story and being there for me this whole time. It really means a lot to feel supported by so many people on this forum. Iím going to do the complete 180 and ask that we donít see each other during pick ups and drop offs, as he is currently living with his parents. So they can bring my child to me. I got so much stronger when this first happened following the 180 so Iím going to follow what worked. Iíve been in IC since April and have been going twice a week for additional support. Meds as well for the moment to help with the intense emotions. My work in therapy has really helped me understand that this he is a broken man, someone who cannot communicate, and he will never be happy because he canít see or sit in his own mistakes and guilt. I know in time I will look back and thank him for doing this because I donít want to be dragged down by his personal deep seeded issues. I have a lawyer and have already gone over my finances. I moved the furniture around the house today to give it a different feel and already feel a little better. Iím def much stronger this time around than the first time around. The shock is not as intense. Thereís just a real deep sadness and grieving of what was and the potential of what could have been. But if thereís anything I learned, he isnít the person I married, and he will never be that person again so I have to grieve the loss of THAT man. Slowly Iíve come to realize I may never get the sadness or recognition of the pain he put me through (from him) as he is just NOT emotionally intellectual. He has no empathy, and I have to learn how to let that go and understand that that is HIS problem. Not mine. I pray that each day gets easier. Right now Iím not ready to discuss a co parenting schedule, I told him since I donít want the divorce and he asked for it, he needs to pay for it. From experience, do you think itís better that I do it first? Also how do we come up with a co parenting schedule with the most minimal contact? Does the lawyer figure that out? Or do we?

Chili posted 12/12/2020 20:31 PM

I really don't know that it matters legally who files first but:

From experience, do you think itís better that I do it first?

I can tell you from my experience, it's always better to be the one to take actions in your own best interest. Waiting around for him to be the one to do anything? That leaves you sitting there wondering and waiting for something to happen. And that does feel pretty crappy.

If you know D is the pathway you need to take, then you need to be the one to drive that bus for your own mental well-being. The financial pieces of who pays for what will be figured out.

They can also help you propose a schedule that makes sense with a young baby. And there are ways to deal with exchanges that can help. I never did that piece but I've even seen here where they happen in driveways and on front porches.

Now...some of the good stuff.

Rearranging furniture. LOVE it. Change up that environment. Paint a wall a color you love. Cook things you like. Buy some new sheets. Clean out all the products in the bathroom and replace them with stuff you like. All of that really helps you re-learn what makes you happy.

Lawyer and IC and a little medical help. Good on you.

Are you remembering to take breaks from all of this stuff too? Numbing out to some music or shows or a craft or physical activity is also helpful. Our minds and bodies need to hit pause every once in a while.

And every relationship that ends needs grieving. You have it just right - grieving the man you thought you married. Grieving the future you thought you were building together. I have a sneaking suspicion you're going to be just fine RS.

Ratpicker posted 12/12/2020 21:14 PM

Resilient, so sorry that he isn't the kind of person you deserve. I'm going to try to address some of your questions about working thru the legal process. One attorney can't represent both spouses in a divorce. When both can work out the whole arrangement between them there are a couple of options. The divorce could be filed pro-se - where you both represent yourself. Or one attorney represents one party, and files the agreement but the other spouse has to acknowledge they have no legal representation. Or this other spouse hires an attorney to go over the agreement to make sure things offer the needed protection without actually filing as the attorney of record.

A mediator can be hired to help facilitate an agreement. (Some jurisdictions require an attempt at mediation.) The options above require the ability to work out agreement directly with your soon to be ex-spouse. Or you both have your own attorney but use a mediator to help work out an agreement.

If you know in your heart that you can't work directly with him to work out the agreements, then you may need an attorney to represent you and handle all the direct contact. But it is early, and you are still licking your wounds. You may yet find the strength to handle the fight directly, or maybe the STBX will just agree to what ever you suggest. I didn't have the strength or an agreeable X.

skeetermooch posted 12/12/2020 22:21 PM

Resilient,

I'm so sorry you got stuck with this man child. He sounds utterly hopeless.

I would definitely file the divorce first. This is where you propose a custody and visitation schedule as well as any financials - like who's responsible for marital debts, alimony and child support. If he files first, lord knows what he might ask for. That would freak me out personally, but your mileage may vary. Also, he might never file because that might be too much adulting for him.

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