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How do I Start?

thrown71 posted 1/29/2021 18:52 PM

13 months post, Dday. Threw him out the day I found out he had a PA (he lied to me earlier that day and said there wasn’t a woman when I asked, but then I got proof) and he lived in apt for 7 months. Been back home last 6 months trying to reconcile but I am just done. Just over the blameshifting and lies he says about me.
A year ago I had consulted lawyer and had one on retainer but dropped them in June since I decided to try to commit to the marriage.
I am so frustrated with how he treats me to the point that I am fine leaving and getting an apartment, (we will have to sell house anyway because neither of us can afford it on own).
1) do I go with same law firm or try somewhere else?
2) do I look for apt and move out first or secure lawyer?
3) do I tell WH
What order do I do this? I wish I just had been stronger last December and not let his lies convince me to try again. He is not cheating, but I am tired of him blaming our lack of communication caused him to cheat.

I am just done crying and having to justify my emotions and struggling to explain what I want in our marriage. He doesn’t get it.
Appreciate any advice.

homewrecked2011 posted 1/29/2021 19:28 PM

I’m not sure about question 1, someone will probably answer that for you soon...

As for 2 and 3-do not move out until you’ve had your appt with an atty, and do not tell your STBXWS.

(((Thrown71))) You can do this!

WaryOptimist posted 1/29/2021 19:35 PM

Audition another lawyer to (a) get a second opinion, and (b) have two that would not be able to represent your WH due to conflict of interest.

Hippo16 posted 1/29/2021 19:49 PM

you said earlier:

I have no one really to talk to about this (except for therapists). I don't know what to do.


two choices - stay together or separate

from what you have posted - he is not remorseful and is blaming you for HIS choices

I suggest NC except for $$ issues/lawyer proceedings/kids - for six months - give yourself time to chew on what has happened to you and study the posts that deal the question of "Do I stay or Go?"

GO? a definite path to sanity - easily a couple of years (maybe)

Stay? From what you write - I don't place a bet of more than 20% that he sorts out himself.

What is your worth to yourself?

Keep in mind you have to also learn to live with what has transpired. Some can - some can't.

Overall - my assessment is the "Cut and run" folks find a better life more quickly.


skeetermooch posted 1/29/2021 20:20 PM

1. If you liked that law firm no reason to move to another. As another poster mentioned, any lawyer you consult with even once can't represent your husband, so if you suspect he'll hire the biggest shark in town, consult with as many of them as you can so he can't use them.

2. I would wait on moving out - yes, you may have to sell the home but the D could take awhile and you could wind up in a scenario where you're supporting yourself in an apartment, while still on the hook for half the house costs. Get some advice on that for sure before making any moves. Is there any way to occupy separate bedroom/areas of the house to make it less terrible?

3. Do not tell him anything until you have talked to your lawyer and have a firm plan in place - right now it's all about tactical advantage, sadly.

Get all of your bank, investment, credit card, etc documents into a safe place. Even in a no fault state you can recover money he spent on his affair so if there's anything proof of that, put it together. Put your valuables in a safe place - he sounds like a prime candidate for becoming vindictive as he's blaming you.

Countingsheep65 posted 1/31/2021 23:04 PM

1. Hire attorney first if your for sure on what your going to do.. If you liked your previous one why not use them? If your doubting them, definitely find another. I wish I had as I did not care for the paralegal she screwed up a lot.

2. Consult with attorney first before moving out. Could be if you did this he could come along and use that against you and make you responsible for 1/2 of bills of the home. Take your time looking around to where you want to move to. Unless your being abused, well, you are mentally, but if physically get out.

3. Don’t tell him a thing. Let him find out when you have him served. There’s some pleasure in this process. It gave me great pleasure the day he got served, he got served at our business. He text me and says, “ I received your papers”. I felt like I had finally said I am done with your BS.

Get your thought process together, your plans. Get copies of all financial records.

YOU GOT THIS!

thrown71 posted 2/1/2021 10:02 AM

I suggest NC except for $$ issues/lawyer proceedings/kids - for six months - give yourself time to chew on what has happened to you and study the posts that deal the question of "Do I stay or Go?"

GO? a definite path to sanity - easily a couple of years (maybe)

Stay? From what you write - I don't place a bet of more than 20% that he sorts out himself.

How do I find posts easily that deal with do I stay or go? I struggle with the stay or go. I started to make my plan on Friday opened a separate checking account, looked for housing (online) to see what I could get/afford. I was set to get the lawyer thing in action, got paperwork in line and was planning on contacting a lawyer today (previous one and another one,) But then we ended up talking on Saturday and had a good weekend on Saturday night and Sunday so now I feel like I should give it another shot, but then I remembered how I felt on Thursday and Friday (and part of Saturday), and how he has made me feel horrible about myself and my choices.

I am so confused

[This message edited by thrown71 at 10:03 AM, February 1st (Monday)]

AboveAverage7913 posted 2/1/2021 13:00 PM

@Thrown

Try to keep a daily journal.

In the near term (weeks, maybe a couple of months) it will help address the jeckyl/hyde rollercoaster when you're able to revisit your own words and recall your experience. I suspect it will enable you to make a decision with conviction, either way.

This practice will also help to document your experience, and may become useful to your atty depending on what you decide to do down the road.

skeetermooch posted 2/1/2021 16:05 PM

I don't know how you find those posts but I think many of us have posted those. Maybe check in the "I can Relate" section, where there's a "Betrayed womenz" thread.

It's a pretty normal part of the process to waiver for awhile. It sounds like aside from the affair he's currently somewhat emotionally abusive and not helping you to heal or recover from his infidelity. This isn't a very good sign.

It's okay to pursue getting your ducks in a row to leave and trying to reconcile simultaneously. Get into counseling if you're not, as that will help with your process. Ultimately, you need to be happy and if he's actively making you unhappy then you need to address that.

Hippo16 posted 2/1/2021 19:00 PM


You might get more help on stay or go by posting a topic in General

Journal is a very good idea - and make a list of good/bad/meh things. If you can add a weight to each item.

for some (SpaceGhost0007) the sex was 100% deal-breaker. Others - not so much.

So you "threw him out" when you found out the PA.
What changed your mind?

Some men - a female is a device for orgasmic pleasure and will say whatever they think will work to get into the -

That thinking has to be stopped - moral integrity and boundaries need to be revamped.

If the affair was also more than just physical - there is a lot more to sort out on his side.

Some husbands view their wife as more like a piece of property. That is to devalue their worth as a human. No empathy. How does he rate on that?

The hard part is putting some kind of value on the gamble that staying will make your life better in long term.

Looking at your past posts - I still stick with 20% at best.

Confusion - yes for sure - the heart wants what it wants and the cold hearted brain is as odds with the heart. Brain is saying "save yourself" - fight or flee! How do you "fight" when the other half of the marriage is not also doing 101% effort to fix themself? If not total remorse you have not much to work with. If ANY lies - you have not much to work with.

I suggest you go back over your earlier posts and contrast your current feelings with that which you have posted in the past.

24 years is a lot to leave - a big part of your life

Can you stay and learn to live with what he has done? Did you ever get a timeline? Did the APs spouse get informed? How about close friends and family? Be careful of their opinions - friends sometimes will tell you what they want for you - not what is best in your long term. Only you can make that decision.

Or what if I choose to file for D, and regret it later down the road? How does one really know?

Sometimes you have to make a decision to make a move - do something to move yourself forward in some direction. If you D - you can still see each other and even (perhaps) re-marry (See MrsSouthAfrica)

Important thing is you are taking charge of your life and not depending on someone else for happiness.

By taking concrete steps you are on a for sure path to a destination. But you always have the option to change direction.

Confusion? Really ask yourself if what is confusing is not taking any definite action to "stay or go" - Do one or the other and remember you change change direction if you find the path to not be going to where you want to be.

Also, either path is going to have some unhappiness. No way to avoid.

Bigger posted 2/2/2021 03:12 AM

I think a lot of the fear of divorce is in the unknown. A good place to start IMHO might be to better understand and have a realistic view of what D will look like and be.
Based on what you share about your husband I don’t think it’s realistic to expect him to play fair in divorce. However his options are limited by the law. I would start with preparation:
>Get a copy of ALL tax records as long back as you can.
>Get statements for all known bank accounts.
>Get statements for all known credit-cards.
>Get statements for all pensions, savings, shares…
>Get a statement over all loans, mortgages, student-loans, co-signed commitments, leases…
>Get copies of all legal documents such as mortgages, deeds, rental agreements…
>Have a clear view of assets and debts.
>I will even add that you take time to photograph each and every room in your home, with emphasis on things of value.

You could alternatively get your attorney to do all this, but you will be both saving yourself a lot of money AND probably be a step ahead of your husband if you do this yourself.

What this does is it protects you IF he does some monkey-business once you file.


Google and study what general rules and laws apply to divorce in your state or country. I’m not suggesting reading the legal text, but generally there are many sites that will outline the basics of what to expect.
Don’t leave the house until or unless your attorney gives you the green light to do so. In most marriages the home is the biggest single asset, and residency can be key in how it’s disposed of.

The above should take you anything from a week to two weeks. Once this is over then I would suggest that the attorneys you already paid a retainer to might be your best bet. After all – the reason they didn’t do the work was because you stopped them. They might already have some background preparation work ready.

I wouldn’t mention divorce until you have your documentation and info gathered. Don’t have to file first, but I would suggest you file within 24 hours of letting him know your intentions. The reason is that while married you two are more-or-less one financial entity in the eyes of the law AND divorce tends to bring out the worst in people. If he thinks or knows you are divorcing he could semi-legally do some financial damage that could impact you. For example: maybe go rent and furnish a new apartment using a joint card/account. You could be accountable for half that debt or it could in some way negatively impact the marital financial value. Once you file you have a legal date where any actions can be referred to: He tries to use a joint card to furnish his apartment and THAT debt can be deducted from his value in the house.

thrown71 posted 2/2/2021 10:16 AM

In the near term (weeks, maybe a couple of months) it will help address the jeckyl/hyde rollercoaster when you're able to revisit your own words and recall your experience. I suspect it will enable you to make a decision with conviction, either way.

AboveAverage: This is a good idea, I will start one and backtrack the last few weeks, it has been a difficult one!

It's a pretty normal part of the process to waiver for awhile. It sounds like aside from the affair he's currently somewhat emotionally abusive and not helping you to heal or recover from his infidelity. This isn't a very good sign.

Skeetermooch:
He doesn't see this as an issue. He is more concerned with how he feels and how I make him feel. He will say he is 100% responsible for choosing to have an affair, but then will often talk about "our communications issues and how I act makes him feel neglected and unwanted".


If the affair was also more than just physical - there is a lot more to sort out on his side.

Hippo16:
It started as an emotional affair, the messages I saw the day he told me was unhappy but that there was not a woman involved, talked to her about his plan was still the same, he couldn't say good bye to her, and his plan was to be with her. Then when I found out and threw him out, he cut all contact and has since sworn up and down that he never truly wanted to be with her, he was just confused.

Some husbands view their wife as more like a piece of property. That is to devalue their worth as a human. No empathy. How does he rate on that?

Hippo16:
I don't believe he treats me like a piece of property or devalues my worth, he thinks strongly off my work ethic and my multiple degrees, but I do see times when he is completely unempathetic.

So you "threw him out" when you found out the PA.
What changed your mind?

Hippo 16:
I gave into it. It was actually a dealbreaker for me (affair), but somehow I gave in, I lost part of my values for letting him back in. It was a lot of him convincing me I needed to try for our kids and for family members (his family members who really like me and were so pissed at him) and that he made a mistake. I think he truly wanted to save face with people. I think it is also my low self esteem of who will want me? What can I offer someone new? Is he really that bad of a guy? I don't know, I just gave in. I am the type of person who puts others first, I typically do whatever is asked of me, I am a people pleaser. I am working on this.

>Get a copy of ALL tax records as long back as you can.
>Get statements for all known bank accounts.
>Get statements for all known credit-cards.
>Get statements for all pensions, savings, shares…
>Get a statement over all loans, mortgages, student-loans, co-signed commitments, leases…
>Get copies of all legal documents such as mortgages, deeds, rental agreements…
>Have a clear view of assets and debts.
>I will even add that you take time to photograph each and every room in your home, with emphasis on things of value.

Bigger: great suggestions!
I have started to collect the data that the lawyer I had last spring was going to ask for. I have the last 3 years of income tax reports. I have my bank account information, but WH has a separate checking account that my name is not on that includes his latest bonus of over 15K. I have copies of some pensions, and totals of other pensions. We own a house (2 mortgages and have that info), I have taken pictures of things I want from the house.

Thank you everyone!

Bigger posted 2/2/2021 11:00 AM

Add to my list:
>All bank accounts your husband has. Your attorney will know the process for how to make sure you have all the accounts.

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