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Wow. Betrayal rides in on yet another horse. Kchip, I am so sorry for your pain.

I recall nothing from your posts to indicate that you and your wife are on any path of healing 'TOGETHER'.

Therefore, you can only do your best every day. Somedays it is a rant. Somedays it might be stillness. It is YOUR journey now.

You may also wish to re-evaluate friendships and advisors.

Best....

After being in labor for a little over 21 hours with my firstborn, I finally dropped an F-bomb. The nurse in the room said to me that she understood my pain but there was no reason for my language- for me to use the "F" word. IDK, maybe it was the pain and stress of 21 hours worth of labor and her righteous indignation triggered my crazy...

I called that nurse every swear word I knew and when I was done with her, I called her mother every swear word I knew. After that, I got a huge burst of energy to bear down and push, push until my baby was born.

Was I proud of calling her and her mother every swear word I could think of? No. Was I ashamed? No. Did I apologize? No. Because like NoTriangles said, it was MY journey.

I said a lot of horrible things to my WH after dday, also.

well, what can I say. Thanks Solution. I appreciated your advice.

As for my situation, its truly day to day for me. The cycle of anger, depression,hope, and despair has had its grip on me. Yesterday I had a long drive for work, and I struggle with music on the damn radio. So I shut it off and just thought about things. So you might say I was already triggered before I went to pick them up.

Some of you know what my WW did dday eve. She truly betrayed me in a way I still am angry about. My discoveries on dday and the weeks after slowly caused me to sink lower and lower. Truly horrific for any husband. The worst.

I went in to sign my D paperwork. I couldn't do it. Against a lot of advice from alot of members here, I spoke with my sponsor (older and wiser guy than me) and he suggested I wait 6 months to file. This is the AA way. Hold off on bug decisions. I admit, maybe twice a week I want to go and sign and serve. My WW is not in love with me anymore, I feel the disconnect and it hurts like hell. This is really all new behavior - since dday. Before we still had sex, went on family trips, and acted like we were married still - only I live 1 mile away. Now, its ice cold. She is mad me about busting up the A. Which makes me more angry.

Detach, kids and finance only. Here's tonights prime example of daily contact: She had the bathroom regrouted today and it didnt dry. Can she bring the kids over to shower before bed? Yesterday it was the science center, which I was supposed to take them alone, but she decided she wanted to join. Mixed signals? Am I dense? Why not just move back in? right? That's in my plan anyway. She can go if she wants.

Best part of my day, I will share - 6:30 this morning my youngest comes crawls into bed with me like always did at home, snuggles up and says "I love you daddy". Needless to say I welled right up. It was nice. It was like he knew I needed to hear it.

People say to post often, and I have. This forum and its members have been a great recourse and support for me. Thank you all. I'll get through all this, one way or another.

I spoke with my sponsor (older and wiser guy than me) and he suggested I wait 6 months to file.

Personally, I think that is crap advice, kchip in your situation. If you were a BS who had a truly remorseful WS who was doing everything they could to help you heal and you were feeling like you really wanted to divorce I would advise to give it 6 months.

In cases where the WS isn't remorseful isn't doing anything to help the healing process and oftentimes is still having an affair, I don't think you should wait the 6 months. However, this is your journey and you have to do what feels right for you. I wish you peace and serenity, kchip, in all your decisions.

(((kchip)))

I am sorry you are hurting kchip.

Solution,

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Thank you.

Personally, I think that is crap advice, kchip in your situation

It may well turn out to be. The alternative is to file, with the result of my ww having to move out of our home right before the holidays. That would be fine with me but my kids have never known another home. Of course I would move back in. It was my house before I met ww, and it was/is heartbreaking to have to ring the doorbell when I go over there.

Today, this whole thing feels like a deal breaker again. Dealing with the scope of the betrayal would be hard even with remorse from her. I am dying a little every day. Kind of like a drunk (like me) who won't change until they hit bottom, I haven't hit it yet.

There is also a huge financial hot from filing. My assets. We live in Fl, a no fault state. I will come out in better shape than WW who doesn't even have a job but the D will cost me $50k. So its like hey - let me hurry up and write that check....sigh.

I keep telling myself to just go about my days like I am single already. For all practical purposes I am (sorry Solution). Of course its not like I am good for anyone right now.

kchip, I'm sorry you're in so much continued pain. I think the way the 'older' posters here prioritize healing makes it crucial to preserve your own health and sanity first, and the marriage second. If your situation has you one step further along to emotionally circling the drain every day, then you wouldn't be in a good position to save your marriage even if your WW suddenly became willing. And your WW doesn't sound willing at all, so it's a moot point. But your emotional health and sanity is yours to fix and save right now, so of course my advice, and most of the advice of those who have been there on SI, is for you to find your own bearings and make choices that keep you safe and healthy.

Swallowing your feelings, doing 100% of the work to save a marriage to an unwilling and unrepentant spouse, "communicating intimately" to someone who is abusing you - all sound like a good way to make yourself sick and crazy. After all the time I've read on SI, I have never heard of such a thing working.

I don't know what the right answer is as far as the timing for filing for D and moving back into your home. It's a very personal decision to make, especially when there are children involved. But I will say that if you plan to keep that home, your children will always have it as their home as well. You are their father. I really wish you peace and healing.

Someday the gravity of this will all back up on her. Maybe once I'm long gone. But I know my wife. It will hit her like a ton of bricks and she will learn about hell on earth. Just like I have.

Follow SisterMilkshake's advice, she's a veteran here and knows what she's talking about...more than your older friend. Has this older friend of yours been thru infidelity like this? I doubt it. The AA way is not necessarily the best way to deal with infidelity.

You say you want her to experience the gravity of what she's doing. There is NO BETTER way that to file for D. Filing for D doesn't automatically mean you will D. You can cancel or postpone the process at any time. The D process itself often takes a very long time...and that is the grace period where you can push on toward D or decide to R. Many file for D and don't go thru with the whole process.

But if you want to live in limbo for a long time, then that's your choice.

kchip -- why not keep the kids? then only your WW has to move.

This is one thing I loved about VA (where I lived on Dday) my lawyer there told me I could expect 70% of our assets, use of the house, the kids, alimony... and OW's BH could expect a very similar result...

I say file to keep the kids, get a temporary order to keep them in the home with you, hire an au pair and make her get a job.

must be the day/night for it, I went off on my WH as well tonight, and oh did it feel good.