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D-day has been a little under a year and we have been in R for that time. I feel that recently, my BW has been mentioned the OW's name frequently. This as opposed to earlier where she was referred to as the OW or the B....

I get a negative reaction to her name being mentioned and avoid it. So I asked my BW to refer to her as the OW again. Her reaction was one of surprise and even though the BW agreed not to mention her name, it did not give her a good feeling to do so.

When asked why, she mentioned that she was not totally sure but by not mentioning her name or being referred to as the OW, she was given too much power or made into a secret (again).

Does any of you have experience with this?

Thanks!

Yes... by calling her by name, it makes it real.. and as uncomfortable as it is for you, that's the kind of pain you brought to your wife. You want distance, your wife wants to not trigger anymore. Many BSes would prefer to use an epithet than call the OP by their name. But if your wife needs to refer to the OW by name, you're just going to have to suck it up and find a way to desensitize yourself to it instead of trying to escape it. Escaping it means you're not facing it, kwim?

My husband called the OP "shameless asshole." I couldn't even say OP's name for the longest time, because it made me nauseated to do so. If H had referred to OP by name, I'd have done the same. I took my cue from my H.

[This message edited by Fallen at 1:29 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]

compared to the racial slurs used in my house, i'd take the name.

Since you didn't put a stop on the message, I think you are OK from hearing from a BW on this. I started using the OW's name, too. The reason I did was because just as Fallen said, it does make it real. Using her name rather than a pseudonymn takes power away from her and the A and gives it back to me. By referring to her as anything other than her name, I feel that he is still protecting her. I'm sure it hurts when I use her given name rather than the names I prefer to call her, but I've found it's also made it easier to get work through the pain.

There is a store here that has the name of OM. Every time we see a truck from there, my bf looks at me, shakes his head, and talks about something WoW-related. I hate seeing it, makes me feel

H never refer xOM by his name. He calls xOM, either by his first initial or bozo/schmack.

Since there's no stop sign I thought I'd reply.

For a long time I couldn't refer to my husband's OW by name. Then one day i started calling them by their names because of spite - i could see how uncomfortable it made my WH and that it put a real face to the affair. They were real people after all. Then after a while, I got tired of referring to these OW by their names - the hurt it caused my husband didn't make it worthwhile because it hurt me too. It humanized people who are not very humane in my opinion.

So now I refer to them as Thing 1 and Thing 2, aka Dr. Seuss - It works for me, and my WH definitely knows of whom I'm speaking.

H calls OM "possum", from POSOM :) I just never refer to him by name at all.

Thanks for the responses! It helps me. I indeed also wanted responses from BSs. Even though I understand that some do not mention the names, it also makes it clear to me that as confronting as it might be, it is something that I will need to go through.

also, as you say--the year antiversary is coming up. Things can be a little dicey for a bit.

At first, I didn't even want to know OWs name, but then I asked, and now I use it.

One of the funny things is that her name is the same as MCs, and we call OW by name, but when talking about MC, we say J the Counselor or just Counselor.

I feel very uncomfortable using the OW name as well. Also there is a fairly popular song that has her name in it. The song was on my computer and it came up when I was listening to music one day at work and I swore out loud and quickly deleted it from the computer. It doesn't hurt me if my wife mentions her name. I figure if that makes her feel better then so be it. I avoid doing it because I want to forget that she exists. Whenever I say her name or hear her name from BS it is sort of like having contact with her. After A it is amazing how many times OW's name seems to be the name of a T.V. character, in the papers, or anywhere else you seem to look. It always gives me a wrench and I kick myself all over again for what I have done.

This subject is a really sore point for me.

OW has same 1st name as I do and same last initial too so I have a problem referring to her on those occasions when I feel the need. Since WH does not want to be reminded at all of his betrayal this makes it quite difficult to have any kind of meaningful discussion about the mostly online EA who is still a seasonal employee at his workplace.

I agree with your BW's reasoning:

she was given too much power or made into a secret (again).

And Fallen's post says pretty much how I feel about 'this making it real'. Unfortunately it remains very real for me but is still a 'fantasy' to him! We are just past 2 1/2 yrs out. I just started IC and FWH has an apptmt soon so perhaps we'll tackle this there.

WH rarely calls me by name since Dday (02/07/07). He calls me 'dear' or dearest' which I haven't found a way to not trigger at as he referred to her as 'dear' in their online chats! But also haven't made an issue about this.

T/J...I don't want to be the one to find a new endearment for him to call me but don't know how to broach the subject. Guess GENERAL is the place to broach this?

BS here. I still don't use OM's name. I feel sick & my BP rise when I hear or see his name. I have a ton of other names reserved for him (some of which I called him in person,) that seem to fit better. Just can't say them around my kids.

And it may seem silly but I never want to hear my WW say that name again.

Makes it weird...We have a neighbor that has the same name as OM.

My H used to call the OP "your boyfriend". He hasn't been mentioned in a long time so I don't know what it would be now.

This just all reminds me of my H telling me after dday that he should have known this ex-boyfriend was "dangerous" b/c he was the only ex I NEVER talked about (you know, when you first start dating and talk about past relationships). Never talked about him ever, no mention of his name. Unfortunately, he was right.

[This message edited by TexCirce at 5:27 PM, July 3rd (Friday)]

Ours was a double betrayal. Prior to the A my H had a nickname for her as he does pretty much everybody. After Dday I asked him to NOT call FOW or her son by the nicknames he had gave them. Naming is ownership and the only person on this world who has the honour and priviledge of nameing people are their parents and themselves. I started refering to them both by their first name and he followed suit.

That's not to say I haven't called her any names, I have, and so has he.

I agree that not using their names gives them a aura of power... It' almost like Valdimor in Harry Potter. By refering to him as "He who shall not be named" instils fear and power.

[This message edited by kdny at 5:34 PM, July 3rd (Friday)]

This is the WS forum.

This thread is not about what BS would call the OW. Its not a venting thread.

Please post accordingly.

I still can not mention the name even after 5 years. It took over 3 years before I could call my favorite cousin of WH's by her name, which is the same as OW's.

When WH mentions the name, I want to vomit.

Tonight, we went camp shopping for the kids and the name happened to be written on an item I was looking at, as the designer. I was holding the item in my hand, looked down and saw the name and recoiled so hard the item fell out of my hand. Fortunately, it was not breakable.

I was a bit shocked by my reaction - to think that after all this time, I can't hold the word of the name in my hand without a visceral reaction.

I had a work appointment with a person of that name and referred to her as Ms. Lastname only even though she called me by my first name and every one else used her first name. I could not recommend hiring her just because of her name. The thought of working with someone of that name just upset me so.

I can't say here what I do say instead of the name.

I'm the BS, and I rarely verbalize "its" name. My husband has used her name once, when I asked what it was.

As a BS, the name itself brings on a host of negative feelings (for me). I'm quite sure that it does the same for my FWH/DH. (He doesn't refer to "it" at all - simply refers to "it" and that night as "August".)

For your wife, it may be a way of making your OW/betrayal "real" to her vs. something along the lines of a bad dream.

I was thinking about this post on my drive to work this morning. I'm a BS... and at first, any time we referred to WH's exOP, it was by her initial. Ever so often I'd say her whole name, but it hurt so darn bad... Even just to think it, or to see it in writing when it wasn't HER... made life a little disconcerting for me for quite a while since I work with and/or associate with a few people with the same name as exOP.

But this morning I realized that I can say her name and see her name without that feeling of choking or being stabbed.

It's like the power was gone.

Words have power. Maybe your BS wants to mention the OW by name to take the power away. Cause you know, in other cultures, you didn't say the name of the boogey man (whatever bad spirit it was) because to say the name was calling it up... you would avoid the name of anything that had the power to hurt you.

I'd take this as a good sign for your BS, that it's one more step toward healing.