SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't tell what I am feeling anymore. Maybe I am rationalizing for my husband. Our marriage became so complicated so quickly, I feel like I am able to blame myself for it going down the tubes, as well as his actions. If we were doing a checklist of who has wronged who, our lists would pretty much equal out. I feel like I don't belong here but I am still in pain and confusion about what has happened to my marriage.

Long story short...we separated briefly in '07, initiated by me. I wasn't ready to be married and was depressed. I moved back after 1 month apart. Shortly after this he created an online profile on "married but looking" and "adult friend finder". I flipped out and tried to get him to come to MC but he never did.

We had an open relationship for several months in '08. This began, much to my shame and regret, with a ONS with the couple without my husband's knowledge. (I later confessed everything, but he told me he "wasn't mad". I don't know if I believe it, but all that really matters I guess is that I absolutely feel it was wrong and regret it deeply.) I was willing to experiment but found pretty quickly that deep down I was not comfortable with the open relationship, and it confirmed the feeling that I wanted to be committed exclusively with my husband. I discussed this with him explicitly several times. He chose to meet the woman from the other couple while I was out of town. I found out and he finally agreed to go to MC with me. We only went for 2 months, and he spoke only when being spoken to. A month after "graduating" he tried to contact another woman with the intent of beginning an affair. (I didn't find out about this until last month.)

Just a month and a half ago, after we had been moving forward (or so I thought) with a great relationship...trying to buy a house and begin a family....he began to send explicit text messages to his best friend's wife. This one was a total shocker for me. I thought we were finally on the same page about our relationship. Part of me secretly feels odd for considering divorce over text messages. But I am very bothered by his repeated obliviousness to my feelings. I feel at this point that all he needed was opportunity, and he would have slept with lots of other people...lack of opportunity is what kept him from behaving worse than this. On the other hand, how do I know that for sure? Do you understand my doubts? I keep getting stuck in this.

[This message edited by ywallpaper at 10:59 PM, March 19th (Friday)]

Explicit text messages usually mean something is going on...

And to his BFs W???

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Sounds like the ground your M stood on was soggy at best. From my incredibly ignorant viewpoint, it seems that if your M is to survive, you guys need a radical new beginning, a renewing of vows, and explicitly stated intentions of commitment and fidelity. You need to become a new couple.

Part of me secretly feels odd for considering divorce over text messages.

It isn't the text messages per se, that has you considering D, but rather what you say in the next sentence....it's

his repeated obliviousness to my feelings.

((((ywallpaper))))

OnceInALifetime, I agree with you. I have been trying to lay new groundwork for this "new relationship" in all the ways you talked about...beginning with marriage counseling, renewal of vows, and being explicit about what I wanted our relationship to be (absolutely monogamous). Apparently I was the only one, although he went along and said he agreed with it at the time....