This is not meant to generalize or offend in any way. All situations are different.
***Take what you need and leave the rest.***
Remember this is the only chance that you get to save your marriage. Staying with your betrayed spouse is a gift. It may only be given once. If you break it, it is irreplaceable. There are not a multitude of chances. There is not an endless supply of opportunity. There is not any reason to give you another chance in the first place. Treasure and protect this precious gift, it is priceless.
Adapted from "Just Listen" by
Mark Goulston, M.D.
The 4 H's
When you betray someone's trust at such a deep level you trigger in them: Hurt, Hate, Hesitation to Trust, Holding onto a Grudge.
1. Hurt - Not only have you betrayed your BS's trust, you let whoever you are/were having an affair with know just how little you respect your spouse. You trigger intense, savage hurt in your spouse. The BS can become physically ill and mentally devastated. They thought they could trust you and you have proven how untrustworthy you turned out to be.
2. Hate - After you have ripped a hole in their gut, mind and soul with a direct blow to their core, they have the right to become infuriated and enraged. It is usually the reaction, even if the rage is slow in coming. One of the things that is most enraging and difficult to get past is that during the time they suspected you were cheating and you kept reassuring them you weren't. Maybe you told them they were imagining things or being paranoid, you put them in an emotional blender. Either you were lying to them, you made them think that you weren't and that they were just crazy. Many spouses will choose to believe the latter, because believing you are lying to them is incompatible with them emotionally and literally. More enraging and difficult, they trusted you so blindly that they never thought you would think about cheating, never mind actually do it. Both change the BS's entire world view.
3. Hesitation to Trust - Your BS went against their own instincts and were willing to think it was their imagination and that they were crazy. Now, they are not going to lower their guard. Your BS believed that you would be faithful to them. They are not going to trust you again only to be re-traumatized. You broke the self confidence that they had in their own judgment.
4. Holding Onto a Grudge - Being hesitant to trust is a way of protecting themselves, but having to be ever vigilant is exhausting. Holding a grudge is a much less exhausting way to protect themselves. While holding a grudge is obstructive to repairing a relationship, doing so enables them to keep their guard up. They are fortified with/by their anger.
The 4 R's
In order for a person who has been betrayed to forgive, their 4 H's need to be responded to by the 4 R's: Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation, Request for Forgiveness.
1. Remorse - This is not the same as regret. Regret is saying, "Okay, I messed up. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I promise, can we just move on?" Regret is almost insulting to the hurt that the injured party feels. In most cases it makes them feel worse, as if they're doing something wrong by not letting it go.
Remorse is feeling incredible and unbearable pain for having hurt your BS. By looking into their eyes, (you may have to plead with them to look into your eyes) you should be able to see what your betrayal did to them. Look, really look at your spouse. They might not see that you're seeing their pain and they might not see that seeing their pain causes you unbearable pain. Remorse should be painful and it should not be self serving. You should not want to help your spouse to relieve your own pain. Your goal should be to relieve your BS's pain as much as you can and expect nothing in return.
2. Restitution - Your betrayal cut your BS to their core and took something away that was incredibly important to them, the ability to unconditionally trust you. It took away the specialness of your relationship with your BS. Hurt may be satisfied with remorse if you are sincere in your remorse, but their hatred needs a payback. Your restitution needs to cut to your core as deeply as your betrayal cut to theirs. Maybe it's therapy (if you don‘t want to go), maybe it's public humiliation, maybe it’s ignoring you, maybe they will withholding affection or maybe it's listening to them continuously verbally berate you and vent until they've emotionally punched themselves out.
Restitution also includes:
No contact with the affair partner
Take complete responsibility for your actions.
A humble confession of the wrongdoing. Do not excuse your behavior. There should be no "If, and or buts". There should be, "I did this, this and this." Period.
Acknowledge your BS's pain and your family's pain.
Do whatever you can to right the wrong.
Ask what your spouse needs and follow through.
Verbalize that you will not ever have another A.
Answer any question with absolute honesty.
3. Rehabilitation - In order for your partner to overcome their hesitation to trust you, they will need to see you have changed the way you deal with stress. They need to see you deal with upset, disappointment and frustration in ways that do not include betraying them, abusing them, ignoring them and/or lying to them. Furthermore, they will need to see that you actually enjoy your new ability to deal with things in a healthy way. If they feel you have only learned a new coping mechanism to appease them and your heart is not into it, you really haven't rehabilitated yourself.
4. Request Forgiveness - You can't undo or take back what you did; all you can do is practice the first 3 R's - Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation - over and over again until you have internalized them into your personality. And that can take 6 to 18 months (If you are sincere-longer if you don‘t step up and do the work required of you.). At that point, you have earned the right to ask for forgiveness. If you want forgiveness before you have made the changes necessary to yourself, to insure that you will never have another affair, you are asking for cheap forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness early on is only to relieve your guilt and make you feel better. Betrayed spouses do not have to ever forgive you. They may forgive but they do not have to forget. They may let their anger and distrust go all at once or in increments as you continue to be consistent with the changes you have made in yourself. They may give you a second chance and you may truly begin to reconcile. That doesn't mean that they have to forget what you did. It doesn't mean that they will not hurt, trigger, or not have doubts.
If they are unable to forgive, they are responsible for their being unforgiving. The BS's ability to forgive is an act of faith. It is a gift to themselves as much as to you. They may forgive you and still not want to stay with you. That is not something that you can control. You can only control what you do. Keep practicing the first 3 R's. Number 3 should last throughout your lifetime. Maybe your BS needs to see that your changes are not just a sop. The need to be reassured of your sincerity may take a long time.
Recognize that rebuilding trust is a process, a staircase to climb, not an event.
Remember this is the only chance that you get.
*Any time that you break the 4 R’s:
Breaking NC
Betraying them again
Asking them to move on
Becoming defensive
Being uncommunicative
Lying about anything (even the color of your socks)
Making excuses
Blaming anything or anyone else
Falling back into old habits
You reset the clock. Any progress that you have made toward Recovery and Reconciliation becomes null and void. You may have just thrown away the only opportunity that you had to right your wrong doing.
You must start all over again. If your lucky and your spouse allows you to continue to try, Express your gratefulness for the opportunity.
Again, There are not a multitude of chances. There is not an endless supply of opportunity. There is not any reason to give you another chance in the first place. Treasure and protect this precious gift, it is priceless.
Redo the 4 R’s again.
I understand that some people may not agree with everything outlined above. There may be some objection to the wording or concepts. I found this helpful and posted it in the hopes that someone else may find it helpful as well.
