SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since I posted about my struggles with this earlier, I thought I'd send a follow-up.

FINALLY the work meeting where H and OW were together is over- it was tues and wed. It went worse than I expected in some ways, but better than it could have in others.

Worse- Day1 H gave her a 'hello hug' and they spent the dinner sitting next to each, had a few minutes alone in view of all other folks, but no other alone time. Day2 OW sent H text because didn't get to say goodbye in person, then called him when he didn't respond.

GOOD- H came home for the night Day1, told me on his own what had happened Day 1(and of course I had a fit but we made it through the two hour 'talk' over it... some anger and frustration and lots of hurt..., H told me about the Day2 call and forwarded the txt, seems to admit that the Day1 hug was a mistake, said he is trying to make me the priority.

Other good in last month-

H has come back to MC with me though he doesn't think it is really going to help us - at least he is doing it for me; is being more open despite being more depressed and hopeless about future at times, we've weathered some pretty big 'talks', H tried to join SI to get help for himself from other WS but had issues so not sure he actually ever did, my friends have kept me from losing my mind...

We are still getting by one day at a time. The rollercoaster took a really big drop on Tues and Wed for me, maybe it will start to climb again for a few days.

Today I am feeling hopeful and trying to stay out of my bad thoughts... I could use a break from them for a while

I am glad he is trying to make things right. Yes, Day 1 wasn't good, but at least now he sees that.

I'm also glad to see you are hopeful. That is huge.

(((hugs)))

Hi, I know you feel discourage but don't be, he seems to be tring and telling you about contact. My WH we are over a year since Dday and he is still struggling with telling me anything, be patient your WH is on the right roadit just might take him a bit of tme.

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Me 55

WH 51

DDay 040509

seperated 040509

Worse- Day1 H gave her a 'hello hug' and they spent the dinner sitting next to each, had a few minutes alone in view of all other folks, but no other alone time. Day2 OW sent H text because didn't get to say goodbye in person, then called him when he didn't respond.

Did he send her a NC letter? I know that you are feeling hopeful because he told you about this (which is good) but it is NOT okay that he hugged her and sat with her at dinner. I'm also concerned that he "seemed to admit" that the hug was a mistake and that he is "trying" to make you the priority.

I'm glad that things are going better for you and that you are in MC. However, you can't settle for scraps. He HAS to go NC with OW. If they have to be at the same work event, there is no reason why he can't greet her formally and sit by someone else at dinner. Please bring this up in MC and set boundaries. Hang in there!

Very gently, but a hug and some alone time, even if in front of others, is NOT GOOD. I hope you made him realize this in your talk. I agree that a NC letter is very necessary. His Day 1 behavior was totally inappropriate, even though he did admit it.

I do hope you make it; any success story on these boards makes me feel better.

Thank you for the hugs and the gentle reminders...

H has said he is committed to no personal contact with her. He has not been willing to do a NC letter/email/call and says he can not control what she does. He will still have work meetings like this one every 5-6 months and work email contact with her. I did not expect this level of contact between them at this meeting this time and it was a kick in the gut. I did tell him that this was not acceptable to me AT ALL. I think part of the problem is we have to better define boundaries - his definition of what is ok and mine are not the same, obviously. I have been having a hard time with what really happened, but I am trying to focus on the good that he did tell me about it and I am feeling like he told me the whole truth.

I know- everything I have read and every expert and website says NO CONTACT, PERIOD, FOR LIFE. I can not control him and I can not force him to do a NC letter/email/call... it will not serve the purpose I want if it is not done by him under HIS committment, not mine. I am hoping and praying that he will come to this himself on his journey back into our marriage when/if that is what he choses. He is still ambivalent right now. It is so hard to live in this state of uncertainty and limbo - it eats me alive- but all I can do is decide for me, how long am I willing to wait and when I will have given it all I can and then what I will do? For now I have decided to give it more time since he is telling me about the contact that occurs, they are in different states so it isn't physical (that is completely unacceptable) and there are no more lies or secrets about contact. It has not been an easy week at all. But there is some good and I am trying to see it. We are better than we were before in that he is telling me and being open.

All I can do is work on me. I didn't deserve this nightmare and yet I have to take the pain. H and OW got something positive in this mess, all I got was destroyed. I have things that I am working on that were my contribution to the problems in our marriage; I have a better focus now on what I want our marriage to be after this.

It has been about 4 1/2 months since DDay1... I keep reading that this is just the beginning of this journey and I am trying to find hope. Yesterday I had none; today I am a little bit better. Tomorrow, I will likely be ready to quit again... I hate this insanity.

crossmyheart,

I'm sorry for the pain/hurt you are going through.

You stated:

He says he can not control what she does

I don't mean to sound harsh, at all....

But, YES- your husband can control what OW does with him.

Your WH does not have to allow OW to hug him...Or, to sit next to him at dinner...Or, to have ANY alone time with him.

Your husband being unwilling to send the NO CONTACT letter is very concerning to me. Personally - I'd want to know: Exactly why he's not willing?

You're correct:

You can't force him to do anything.

But, you do have the right to know WHY he won't send this woman a "No Contact" letter.

Do you have access to your WH's phones and email accounts - to verify what he's telling you about this text and phone call from OW on Day 2?

Or, do you simply take his word for what transpired?

Can I ask:

Why aren't you sure, if he joined SI, or not?

Have you asked him?

Were your WH and OW in separate states, when this affair was ongoing?

I'm wishing you the very best, you deserve it!

Dare2Trust- thank you for your support and response.

I guess I haven't asked him why he won't send the No Contact letter recently- his feeling that he can not control what she does is what he tells me when the subject of No Contact comes up. We are working on being able to talk openly and constructively. It is a learning curve for both of us

I do have access to the cell phone records (and text message records) and he forwarded the text from Day2 to me so I do believe him on that. I actually am so happy he handled it just the way I have asked him to. I have not been checking up lately because I honestly couldn't handle finding anything else before the meeting because I was already so upset/stressed about the meeting. I will still be checking from time to time for my sanity, but at the same time when I was checking constantly and totally obsessed, it was not good for me mentally either.

I will ask about SI again now that the meeting is over- he had mentioned it to me and it has not come up since. I would like him to find support from other WS here so I really do hope he has come to join.

They were in different states during the A but had meetings together that they were together 3 times and one time made a daytrip to see each other 'to say goodbye'; most of the A was EA on Facebook/chatting, email, phone and texting. Actually, one of the only reasons I made it this far is that she is not local. She is about 3 hours away.

I actually understand the hug and the dinner seating a little more now, though I am still not happy at all about it, I also know it was not deliberate on his part or hers- I also hope that the result of this time is that it isn't repeated at the next meeting. We are actually a bit stronger today because of it.

We had a good MC session today on all of this, so today I do have more hope than I had a week ago. It has been a really rough week on the rollercoaster though

I actually understand the hug and the dinner seating a little more now, though I am still not happy at all about it, I also know it was not deliberate on his part or hers- I also hope that the result of this time is that it isn't repeated at the next meeting. We are actually a bit stronger today because of it.

I would be interested in hearing more about why you feel this way? Until he agrees to a NC letter, you will more than likely feel insecure and rightfully so. That should be the first step toward R.

This is new for you, keep reading here and posting.

sorry for what you are going through...and I do understand wanting to commend him for being honest about the meeting etc. but....

it just does not sound like NC to me... and it does not sound like he really 'gets' how important complete and total NC is for you and for any chance of R.

There is absolutely NO reason why he HAD to sit next to her at the meeting...none.

and if he did.. he needs to brainstorm with you ways that he could avoid this awkward situation in the future... trust me if she was someone that grossed him out? he would have had no problem figuring out how to avoid sitting next to her.. he could have gotten up, gone to the men's room, come back..found a new seat.. tons of things to do..and a private side conversation?

I would have been ballisitic..

I know many FWS on SI that have left jobs, asked for transfers, even moved thousands of miles away from the affair partner... all to save the marriage...

[This message edited by njgal480 at 12:15 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]

Crossmyheart,

I don't understand how you could feel"a bit stronger today" about your WH hugging and then sitting next to OW at that dinner.

No amount of talking, and no session with a MC could make me feel "stronger" about that situation.

YOUR WH could have avoided both...especially the hug; and having any alone time with this woman.

If your husband managed an affair with OW; living 3 hours away from her...I'd DEMAND this NO CONTACT LETTER; so this OW would know "without a doubt" that this affair is over and done with!

If it's too stressful for you to monitor your husband; and OW hasn't received a NO CONTACT LETTER - you have no way of knowing if the EA end of this affair is continuing, or not.

Something's terribly "off" if he won't send her this No Contact Letter. Red Flags are waving!

Why doesn't your WH think MC will help you as a couple?

You say he's depressed and hopeless: Has he seen a doctor about medications?

Can your husband specifically define what he thinks are appropriate "boundaries" for him and OW?

Here's how I see your situation:

Your WH really hasn't "GIVEN UP OW."

He still gets to communicate with her - through work emails.

And, since he refuses to send her a NO CONTACT LETTER: telling her this affair is OVER; and she's only to have "specific work-related contact with him."

He's still free to talk to her, at work - about anything he pleases.

Plus: He knows he will be seeing her, in person at these scheduled meetings/dinners.

SO: He "really" hasn't given OW up -Yet.

He still has both of you.

You really deserve a lot better than this.

And, I'm sincerely sorry for the pain you're going through.

Whatever excuses he makes and you make for him are just excuses.

The fact is, every ounce of respect and consideration he shows for her is disrespect and more towards you.

As long as he's not willing to go to battle for your M and stand united with you then he's still open to her...or the next one.

Maybe it will work out differently for your M. Odds are not good though until he wakes up and places you and the M above her.

And so I guess I was too optimistic. It was a really, really bad weekend and I both showed H some of the anger I had been channeling elsewhere (journal, friends) and he got the full blown version of my despair over where I am, where we are, and how much this hurts.

The MC session led to discussions that did not go well- hence my anger. Then I totally triggered over something minor yesterday and just could not pull out of the nose dive into the bottomless black pit of despair... again, first time H has fully seen this.

I can only take today as a new day, but it has been a hard hard trip to the bottom of the rollercoaster.

I do not have any reasonable hope of getting a NC letter, and absolutely no hope of his changing jobs to avoid future contact with her. I sortof have MC but he doesn't think it will help, I had a promise of no more lies or ommissions and he does love me and he has stayed with me to this point.

But the hell just keeps getting worse. I keep trying to look to the future when, 2 years from now, we have gotten through this pain and are happy again...

crossmyheart,

I'm really sorry.

You deserve so much better than this.

(((crossmyheart)))

crossmyheart,

I'm just over 2 years of dday and I still have times of total hate and anger. Just Sat. he was watching a college football game and ow is from town of one team and it just threw me for a loop. We had dinner plans with friends, so it wasn't as fun as it should of been. Time heals but what our WH did to us never truly leaves us.

[This message edited by flygirl96 at 4:10 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]